How can your spouse understand your mother's mental disabilities?

Question

I know of a situation in which a mother has been dysfunctional for many years, and an enabler for the problems of those she is close with. The wife of the person in the middle thinks he should disown her for her failings. He has never expected his mother to come through for him on anything since she never has since he was a teenager. His wife expects her to let her actions speak for her...and to abandon her until she does. He wants to remain civil toward his parent and maintain a positive relationship with his wife and children. Any ideas?

The behavior that the mother has is basically neglectful...she left him and his sister when they were teens...to fend for themselves. She often says she will do things for them but 11 out of 10 times follows through. The mother calls often when she knows the phone number, just to say she loves her son and his family. The wife would rather she show her love by action and not wasted phone calls...as she calls on her cell phone and wastes her own minutes...can't pull her act together to maintain her bills, etc.

It should have said 11 out of 10 times fails to follow through...in the paragraph above....

The counseling sessions the wife has been going to have given her the idea she has a right to control the situation, or to stop the interaction between the mother and son. This is on threat of leaving with the children.

Answer 1

well WHO'S parent is it?? not the person's wife's, technically. If you've already found it in your heart to forgive your mother for her short-comings, why is your wife trying to stir things up all over again?? im sure you already had your period of wondering why she's the way she is and your period of having an enormous amount of resentment towards her, but by the sounds of it, you've grown up since then and have not forgotten, but forgiven your mother. Being CIVIL toward your own parent is the right thing to do, no matter HOW bad they've treated you in the past, present or future because it makes you the bigger person. as long as the mother is not being abusive mentally, physically or emotionally to the wife and kids, the wife needs to lighten up and stop trying to create unnecessary drama. Let the kids enjoy their GRANDMA!! even if it IS once a year or 10 years, it's still FAMILY, no matter HOW crazy they are!!!

Answer 2

Is the mother's behavior affecting the couples children? Is the wife being drawn into a disfunctional - and stressful - role? Is the mother creating some kind of chaos or stress when she visits the couples home?

The wife has the right to 'opt out' of the relationship if it is unhealthy for her. She has the right to object, on the behalf of her children, if the mother is affecting the children negatively (emotionally, physically or otherwise). If the husband wants to continue his relationship with his mom, then he has the right to do so. But he cannot expect his wife to join the dysfunctional club, nor to drag her children along behind her.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Well, you didn't say what kind of behaviors this mother is showing... If it's out of her hands, and the woman is truly mentally ill (and the behaviors aren't violent or extreme), then the wife needs to relax a bit. Her feelings should certainly come into play, and maybe the husband could back off from Mom or lay down a few stronger boundaries.

If the behaviors are disruptive, violent, or extreme, then there is no shame in staying away from her for a while, or even just having the husband see his mother alone.

Answer 4

The fact that the wife is having problems with the mother is the wife's problem. She does not have the right to tell her husband how to deal with his Mother. At all. Apparently, both the mother and son need those phone calls. Sometimes, it is the only way to stay in contact. Mental Illness is not something you can simply decided to "get over."

The husband has the right to love his mother, whether his wife wants him to or not. It's not up to the wife to decided that relationship.

Answer 5

my mother-in-law is not a good person. that's about the understatement of the year, but a quick way to say i get what the wife is going thru. she needs to just turn away from the situation and let her husband do what he needs to. this woman is his mother. there's no escaping it and that sucks. my poor husband went almost 2 yrs without talking to his mom and while it was a good couple of years things still weren't right. she is his mom and some part of him needs that. like the husband in your situation he doesn't expect, want or need anything from her, just to have some civility. as long as the husband isn't being hurt or disappointed and sees his mom for what she really is the wife should not interfere. if she pushes too hard she'll end up far from her husband (emotionally at the very least) and it sounds like he needs her.

Answer 6

That's difficult - but often a spouse can see what we can't. We want for things that may never be, and being outside the frame, the spouse isn't bound by those desires.

I feel for your friend - if he can be civil and not get upset or involved he should be fine as long as it isn't a bone of contention in his marriage. His family should come first - meaning his wife and children. He can't replace them, and he cannot change his mother.

Answer 7

No one should abandon a mental patient, much less their mom. I know I am one. Not crazy or nothing just Bi polar. Many people can't or wont get treatment for mental disorders. Be as supportive as you can be and wifo will have to deal with it.

If a mental person ever seems like they are a danger to you or kids, than maybe stay away. Also try and get them some help.

Always keep in touch tho.

Answer 8

I grew up as a unmarried newborn and my DD shall be a unmarried-newborn, too. I on no account neglected siblings till I hit the teenager years. yet one journey I made is, that because of the fact the be certain of a unmarried newborn, human beings look down on you. "whilst #2 will come?" is a elementary question and whilst human beings hear, that i don't choose extra, i'm getting unusual seems and comments like: "you recognize, that she'll become a egocentric something, in case you have not have been given extra, do not you?" or "you fairly could have extra.". i think blessed with the healthful cheery DD I even have - i don't see the choose of having extra. With our given existence-circumstances, one newborn is super for us. we are in a position to grant DD a huge selection of activities, we are continuously there for her, she does not would desire to share her room. we are in a position to grant her with a advantageous existence style, which could be impossible, additionally money-smart, if we had extra teenagers.

Answer 9

if the person has a mental disability YOU need to EDUCATE yourself about this... it IS a DISABILITY -- in saying so, a disabled person can't be expected to perform as a normal person would....

or hasn't this person actually been diagnosed wtih a mental disablity?

if you are the wife of the person whose mother has these issues, i think you're acting like a biznitch. if your husband wants to remain civil toward his mother, then let him... as long as she isn't doing anything to harm you, what does it hurt?

some people are ILL... and if she is ill... why abandon her? it seems she needs care and love, instead of shutting her out.

but then, some people have no compassion.. and it's all about them.

Answer 10

most things a husband and wife should share but this is one of those things that are totally up to you they are your parents and most women dont like thier mother in law anyway. i do but im not the normal in this situation. you are gonna have to tell your wife this is your decission because it is your mother now if it has any thing to do with your children you are gonna have to include her in your decision and thats how i feel about parents and thier children..