What to do about my stepson, threatening with violence?

Question

My stepson is 20 years old and still lives with us. With 16, he dropped out of school and promised to get a job instead. So far, nothing like this happened in 4 years and has still not looked for work until recently. We provided him with food and housing all those years. He's lazy and does hardly contribute anything in the household, like cleaning etc. He just hangs out at home and does nothing. And if we criticize him for it, he flips out. Any argument with him turns into a storm of the nastiest, most violent cursing one can ever imagine. Even up to the point where he threatens the person with ultimate violence; walks up into the face, challenging an open fight.
This happened a couple days ago to me and I am his step dad for half his life, provided him with everything he needed. He threatened me to "f*** me up real bad" and I was challenged to the fight. I turned around, because I did not want to hurt him, for the sake of himself and my wife. What in the world can I do?

It is pretty rude to say that I or we don't love him; we do. I've never been violent with him in any measure. I took him like my own son and treated him as such.
Just recently I bought him a cell phone and took him out for dinner. And now, all I had to do is tell him that he should have kept the house clean while we were gone out of town for a couple days and he flipped out on me like that.
My wife doesn't really see how much that bugs me, she tries to make no such big deal out of it, even though she states that he was wrong for what he did. He flipped out on her and my 15 year old stepdaughter too before, always when criticized. Otherwise, he's an alright going guy, but no one ever should dare to say anything against him. That's when he raises hell the way he did.
I consider this as dangerous and unacceptable, since it makes us feel uncomfortable at our own home; we never know what's going to happen next. I did throw him out, but walks back in as he pleases, mom won't tell him off.

Answer 1

He's 20 years old. Kick him out!

Answer 2

Your wife, his mother needs to stand up to him and tell him the same thing you have.
If he walks all over his mother and his mother isn't going to be any help to you to help this situation then I don't know what to tell you, you really need the mom to step up to the plate.
If that doesn't help anything or makes things even worse. Because he'll probably think that its your doing that she's now trying to get him to staighten up and that might piss him off even more towards you and her. Now this is important, VERY important. Does your wife, the mother of this 20 year old feel the same as you do about what you've written in your question. She wants something better....do you both just want him out of the house? Does he have any place to go if you threw him out. Does he just not know how to get motivated. Maybe he needs some kind of guidance to get him up and moving, maybe he's just lost about how to get it going. Some kids just don't know and become complacent and lazy.
If he ever puts his hands on you or your wife, or threatens you or your wife...you need to both agree to this, you tell this kid you are no longer putting up with his threats, this his your house and you aren't going to tolarate threats anymore and the next time he does your calling the cops and they will remove him from the house. He's been taking advantage of both of you and walking all over you way too long. Tell him the ride is over, that he needs to get a job, and get on with living his own life. Now, you might also allow him to stay in your home when he first gets a job....then in a month or so tell him you think its only right he gives you say for example 50 bucks a week for living there, which is still pretty darn good considering all the added things he gets by living with you. But him getting a job will eventually give him some self confidence in himself and hopefully it'll change the mood around your home. I can only imagine how stressful it is for you and your wife though right now. Good Luck hope everything works out.

Answer 3

Put him out of your house, so he can see what real life is about, if he doesnt behave, call the police, this guy is taking advantage of you both. He is lazy, and doesnt want to grow up, and get upset, because you see what is going on. He is using you both. This guy needs to be in the real world. He needs to go where he can do as he pleases, real life will teach him to become a man. Surely, a real man, doesnt disrespect the hands that feed and shelter him. He is ungrateful, and needs to face life. If he feel you all, are afraid of him, and unable to do anything, this behavior will continue, and you will have to fight him. It is best to go and get a restraining order from a family court judge, and have the police escort him away from the property. When he get himself together, he should be allowed back for visit, not to live, once he has shown and proven himself to be a responsible, respectful adult. If not he will stay with youall forever. Should he get arrested, then he will learn this is not proper way of handling people, and he can be diagnose for medication, if he cant control his anger problem, then you have to wonder, is it really an anger problem, or more of an controlling tool, to get his way. This older boy,needs to grow up into a man. By doing nothing, you are allowing this older boy, to remain as he is. As a father, you have to take a stance, because he's probably misreading your action toward him, he could be thinking, he has you afraid of him, and he will challenge you again. I would handle this situation immediately, before something deadly happens. People have to learn they dont try to control anyone by fear. He needs to learn the consequences of his actions.
Best of luck to you..

Answer 4

You need to get your wife alone and talk to her seriously about this situation. I know you love your family but no one deserves to be threatened by a child who is doing nothing for himself as well not showing respect for you or his mother.

I would let her know that you love this boy as much as she does but it is a time when you need to cut the apron strings. You all need to have a united front and let this boy know that he has a deadline to either get back in school to get his GED or get a job. If he does not he has to go. Not come back and forth, be gone. If she can't agree with that then maybe you need to reconsider your marriage.

Kids will tear a marriage apart but as long as you all stand together maybe you can get something accomplished. You never know the next person he threatens may be your wife and I know she will not like that too well. However, you have some women who will side with their children even when they are wrong and how much of that will you be able to take. Spend a day or a weekend alone with your wife if you can and talk to her seriously about your options. Hopefully it will all work out.

Answer 5

First what does your wife have to say about this? Will she be willing to do the hardest thing she has ever done in her life? Lock her son out of the house?

Trust me the best thing for him, your wife and you will to start Tough Love.

I have been in your shoes and won't go into detail here. But you can email me if you want more info.

If your step son won't toe the mark, the best thing you can do is cut the apron strings and just tell him then he has X amount of time to get out. Check with your local laws because you might have serve him formal eviction notice. Then on the D Day change your locks.

Tell him you love him, but you and his mom will no longer be his door mat.....

Good Luck

Answer 6

Talk with your wife about it. Let her know that you are no longer safe in the house with an adult threatening violence. When she is part of the decision to throw him out, the choice will have less repercussions in the family. Throwing him out will help him become a man.
I might give him two or three days to find a place if I trusted him, but be ready to call the police if you need to.

Answer 7

this is what I do, 1st take the bull by the horns. you made this monster now its you that needs to clean up your mess. Go into his room and turn it upside down. Take his bed, tv, EVERYTHING!!!. Leave him a small pillow and a paper thin blanket. Tell him it is now your way or the highway. If you are living in my house its my rules and until you show some respect this is how you get to sleep. When I get respect then I will give you a thicker blanket and a better pillow all the way until he earns his stuff back. Do yourself a favor though. DONT GIVE IN!!! If you give in he will never treat you the way he should. HOPE I HELPED OUT

Answer 8

You need to tell your stepson that it is time for him to get out of the house and move out on his own. Give him a certain day and deadline to get out. If he threatens you with any kind of violence, call the police even if he doesn't do anything to you so that at least it can be documented. If he refuses to leave, then go down to your local courthouse and file for an eviction. It will take about two weeks but you will be able to get an order. Once you have that order call the police and have him removed from your premises. Change all of the locks on your house immediately and do not let him move back in. At 20 years of age he is a grown man and you are no longer financially responsible for him at all. He needs to be out on his own and experience the hardships of life and having to pay your own bills. If he physically assaults you at any point in time call the police on him immediately. Don't wait and don't hesitate. He needs to be out of your house and on his own. Maybe after having to make a living for himself, he will learn to appreciate what he had with you and your wife. Make sure that his mother is on your side because if you want to get rid of him but his mother doesn't it will be really hard for you to get him out of your houes. Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

If i were you i would tell him to find another place to live. Also if he's 20 years old he shouldnt be living at your house. He's an adult and he's able to live on his own. He doesnt need your help. Another thing you could do is make him go to anger managment classes. Or go to the doctor and get some medication. He shouldn't treat you like that especially if your providing him with everything he needs.

Answer 10

Everyone that answered this seems to have the same idea kick him out... i think that this is wrong, what you need to do is kick his ***, he thinks he is the king of the castle but really he is being a crying queen. put him in his place let him know that you are the boss and owner of the place he sleeps and if he does not want to listen then show his *** the door. Secondly you need to get him help, he is suffering depression and anxiety and that all can be treated.

Answer 11

talk to your wife about how and why you're not putting up with this nonsense and then pick up the phone and call the police and have him put out if you can. if not, take him to court have the judge order him out and get an order of protection from him for u and your spouse and all othe family members. but, most important, don't put yourself in harms way, if he is a violent peson, or he does this because u and your wife are old and he thinks he can get away with it, call the elder abuse hot line and see how they can help u. good luck.