Dying mom said hateful things?

Question

My mom and I had an exceptionally close relationship. She lived next door to me the last ten years and I was her caregiver. I helped her with everything (cleaning, shopping, doctor's appointments... pretty much everything). We were always there for one another.

She went into CHF over the holidays and eventually came home with hospice. I thought she would be happy to be home. The month before she died she said some very hateful things to me - accused me of wanting her to die, pushing her to die. Told me not to cry crocodile tears for her - she'd soon be gone and I'd have everything.

These words devastated me. I can't understand why she would say those things when I have pretty much devoted myself to her care for the past ten years. The nurses said they see this a lot - dying people lashing out against those they love the most. She was on a lot of meds at the end and her electrolytes were messed up. Anyone else have a similar experience? Why would she do that to me?

Answer 1

My dear,

I just went to a psychology seminar and in it, our teacher, who is a very experienced psychologist who has involved in healing for 36 years told us that whatever we think of others, is actually a projection within.

When you are dying, usually, your concious mind is very weak, so all the sub concious and unconcious thoughts that you have will pop out.

For all you know, she may have visions of herself dying for a long time but may not have told you or may have suppressed it.

When your concious mind is weak, instead of keeping all the self hatred and negative self concepts to yourself, you voice them out... not at yourself.. but usually at the ones you love most.

What it means by a projection is that when we make a comment about someone and how they made us unhappy or uncomfortable, we are in actual fact talking about ourselves. We are not unhappy about them. We are unhappy about ourselves because this is the way we think about ourselves and perceive ourselves and we dun like it.

So what your mum is trying to say to you is that she wants to die quickly but yet, she feels guilty about wanting to die.. so as a defense mechanism, she starts to think that it is other people who want her to die.. and since you are closest to her and the person she sees more often, she chose ot lash out at you.

If you could see beyond what she is saying and read the undercurrent, you would have known that she must have felt terrible... so terrible that she wanted to leave her body and be freed but at the same time, she is afraid of leaving you.

Your mum may have a heartbreak that has not healed and that is why she wishes to just go.

Pls close your eyes, forgive her, send her prayers and tell her you love her still no matter what. I am sure she can hear you and that she will finally be able to go in peace ;)

Answer 2

I am really sorry to hear that you losing your mother. That must be very difficult.

Regarding her actions in her last days, it happens to a lot of people. Let me ask you this: if instead she had started talking to invisible gremlins and claimed they were stealing her Cheetos to make a nuclear bomb when she was sleeping, how would you feel? You may think I am making a joke at your expense, but I am dead serious! It happens. People when they are near death, ESPECIALLY if they are on medication, are NOT the same people they were in life. They are suffering from severe chemical imbalances as their brain struggles to cope with its impending death. The reactions vary greatly, but quite often nice people turn mean, or a mean person turns pleasant, or a sane person turns insane. It has nothing to do with you, or even your mom as you once knew her. In other words, you need to let this go and not take it personally. Your mom simply could not help it. It was likely no different than an involuntary muscle spasm. The many, many years you remember having a close relationship with your mom? That's reality. The stuff at the end? That was psychological destruction. That was not your real mom.

That said, I am really amazed that none of the nurses explained this to you. They should have known better. Either way, if you have troubles getting over this, I highly recommend that you try getting some grief counseling. It will do you some good. Good luck!

Answer 3

When I was working as a caregiver I witnessed a similar situation between a mother and daughter- the mother didn't act that way to people she didn't love, she was nice to me. I honestly believe that she did this because she new she was going to pass soon, and she didn't want her children to be sad and depressed. I guess maybe in her own way she thought it would be easier on the kids if she made them hate her? She was also on comfort meds, and those can make you say some strange things. I don't really think there is a right or wrong answer for this question, but I hope this can at least help a little by seeing it from a different perspective. Good luck! Oh also, Hospice runs wonderful bereavement groups to help you getting over your loss. Talking about it may help.

Answer 4

I have never had that exp. but I know that what the nurses told you was true! When you are dying you have no control over what is happening to you and you get angry. Sometimes we take that out on the people we are closest to, b/c we do not know where or how to direct it elsewhere! I am sure that your Mom did not mean any of the things that she said and it is a possibility that she was so drugged that she never realized what she said! Try to forget those hateful words and remember the love and support you had from her! Good Luck

Answer 5

It could possibly have been the meds, or this could have been the way she wanted to deal with it. It is sometimes easier for a person to be mean and spiteful then to admit their vulnerability. Also, she may have thought she was making it easier on you, by being mean maybe she thought you would hurt less when she passed away. I am sure deep down she appreciated everything you did for her, but everyone deals with crisis and death in different ways. Also, if your mother wasn't usually like that I wouldn't worry too much. Everyone deals with things differently and everyone reacts to medication differently.

As well, when my brother was in the hospital after brain surgery he was extremely loving to everyone but me. He lashed out at me and until he was sure he was fine treated me pretty roughly. When I asked him later he told me it was because we always bonded and the only way he could handle seeing me cry is if he claked it up to him being rude rather than the idea he could possibly die and never see me again. Maybe it was the same thing for your mom.

**sorry for how long this is**

Answer 6

I wouldn't read too much into it. She just wasn't herself at the end which is understandable.

Just ask yourself, was she ever cruel like that to anyone? Did this seem like something your mother would say normally?

I would forget these things and remember the good times. I know it's hard but try to pray about it.

Don't stop giving as there are very few givers out there.

Answer 7

I have not had a similar expierience but I have had a friend who did and she asked the doctors why her dad did this and they said that it was probably just the meds messing with his brain. My grandfather passed away and was on a lot of meds and he was almost incoherent (sp?) he didnt know who anyone meaning me my grandma and my mom was or why he was there/ they were here kind of a thing.
I am sorry you had to go through this but i know that time will heal your wounds and just try to remember the good things about her :)

Answer 8

at her state i don't think there was much of "her" to say anything.. my grandmother past away and was bed ridden she talked about the copper people in the walls! Some Mediacations can MESS YOU UP but when your very ill what else are your options!
go visit her ( where ever she is being held) and yell at her tell her you resent what she said ... say how you feel it's okay to be mad at her for it! but i honestly feel that wasn't her intent! sucks that ones last words would be something like that just don't let that be your last memorie of her!
i guess untill we are close to deth we will never understand lashing out ... I'm sure she was just starting to go insane

Answer 9

I am taking a sicology class and there are 5 steps that people take before they die. And that is one of them. They will get very angry and mean . they almost never hurt anyone physically but realy fauck people up mentally. Don't worry im sure your mother loved you very much. It is very natural for a Dying person to act like that. It usually last anywhere from a coulple of weeks to a few months.

Answer 10

when people are old and are dieing there bodies and minds are going through alot. many people try to blame people for the things that are wrong with them. or they dont want to be a bother anymore so they try pushing people away. she was probably embarrassed and worried and under a lot of stress dont take it personally. immsure she loved you very much at that time