Dying Mom Said Hateful Things?

Question

My mom and I had an exceptionally close relationship. She lived next door to me the last ten years and I was her caregiver. I helped her with everything (cleaning, shopping, doctor's appointments... pretty much everything). We were always there for one another.

She went into CHF over the holidays and eventually came home with hospice. I thought she would be happy to be home. The month before she died she said some very hateful things to me - accused me of wanting her to die, pushing her to die. Told me not to cry crocodile tears for her - she'd soon be gone and I'd have everything.

These words devastated me. I can't understand why she would say those things when I have pretty much devoted myself to her care for the past ten years. The nurses said they see this a lot - dying people lashing out against those they love the most. She was on a lot of meds at the end and her electrolytes were messed up. Anyone else have a similar experience? Why would she do that to me?

Answer 1

CHF can cause some hypoxia, which is a lack of adequate perfusion to the brain in the elderly and those who are dying. Also electrolyte imbalances can do odd things to peoples brains, including causing them to say things that they do not mean. My grandpa is going through the same things right now, and quite often he spends hours talking to his brothers and his wife and telling everyone who will listen that he just hit the lottery and needs to go and cash the check. His wife and brothers have been dead for years, and the check he needs to cash is his lunch menu. Do not let it eat at you, medications can change many things about people by altering their brain chemistry and even the kindest and sweetest old person can become hard to listen to due to the things they say. Think of her as having been a mean drunk, she didnt mean what she said, and would be mortified to know she hurt you so badly.

Answer 2

I am really sorry to hear that you losing your mother. That must be very difficult. Regarding her actions in her last days, it happens to a lot of people. Let me ask you this: if instead she had started talking to invisible gremlins and claimed they were stealing her Cheetos to make a nuclear bomb when she was sleeping, how would you feel? You may think I am making a joke at your expense, but I am dead serious! It happens. People when they are near death, ESPECIALLY if they are on medication, are NOT the same people they were in life. They are suffering from severe chemical imbalances as their brain struggles to cope with its impending death. The reactions vary greatly, but quite often nice people turn mean, or a mean person turns pleasant, or a sane person turns insane. It has nothing to do with you, or even your mom as you once knew her. In other words, you need to let this go and not take it personally. Your mom simply could not help it. It was likely no different than an involuntary muscle spasm. The many, many years you remember having a close relationship with your mom? That's reality. The stuff at the end? That was psychological destruction. That was not your real mom. That said, I am really amazed that none of the nurses explained this to you. They should have known better. Either way, if you have troubles getting over this, I highly recommend that you try getting some grief counseling. It will do you some good. Good luck!

Answer 3

When I was working as a caregiver I witnessed a similar situation between a mother and daughter- the mother didn't act that way to people she didn't love, she was nice to me. I honestly believe that she did this because she new she was going to pass soon, and she didn't want her children to be sad and depressed. I guess maybe in her own way she thought it would be easier on the kids if she made them hate her? She was also on comfort meds, and those can make you say some strange things. I don't really think there is a right or wrong answer for this question, but I hope this can at least help a little by seeing it from a different perspective. Good luck! Oh also, Hospice runs wonderful bereavement groups to help you getting over your loss. Talking about it may help.

Answer 4

Please except my deepest sympathy on your loss. I understand how devastated your mom's words can be.

The nurses were right. I was an only child and after my dad died I took care of my mom. She had heart problems and was a cancer survivor. I financially kept her in food, medicine, nurses, and paid for upkeep on her home. She got ill and needed a second bypass, which she had. The day she died I came to take her to the doctor and she accused me of taking her money (she had none) and forcing her to have the bypass operation so she would die. That evening she died in my car returning from the doctor.

Like you I never forgot those hurtful words and I still wonder if her temporary hatred of me caused her to die sooner. I have spoken with several geriatric doctors and nurses about this. They all say this is common and to not take it so hard (yeah right). For my mom the medical reason was a lack of oxygen/blood getting into her brain.

I don't know what helps, my mom died in 1994 and I am still hurt. I don't think that mothers are just mean at the end of their life. Maybe they are just so scared they lash out or maybe it is all medical. I try to remember to good times.

Answer 5

Believe the nurses - its true dying people lash out against those they love the most. If she was on alot of meds as well.
I lost my father 5 years ago to lung cancer. There was alot of hurtful things said and done. I stayed with my mom to help her with dad. He would wake up in the middle of the nite in his hospital bed and shake the sides of it. I couldn't believe this was my father - why was he acting like this? Long story short he lapsed into a coma about a week after that. We found out after the fact that he also had brain cancer. They are not aware of what they said or what they did. Until you forgive - you will be full of anger. I know I've been there. Just say quietly or write it down somewhere I forgive mom for all the things she said to me before she died (daily or nitely) , and you'll feel better. Almost immediately you will feel like a load has been lifted. You won't be angry anymore. I admit I still have my moments like when I see a father and a daughter together - I think how come they are still having fun together its not fair because my father was taken from me when I needed him the most. But then I also know - what I had with him when he was here was so awesome. I begged the gods or whoever to take me instead but obvioulsy it was his time. Plus my kids were just "wee" as he used to say. They were 12 & 16. He did do one thing though before he lapsed into a coma he told me he wouldn't die on my birthday. To my amazement he didn't. He was buried the day before my birthday. Don't me mad at your mom, cherish the time that you had together......

Answer 6

I'm sorry to hear about your Mom's passing. I've never had this happen to me but I think it was her illness getting the best of her. Fear, depression, sickness, and the thoughts of one's own mortality can be alot for someone to bear and lashing out the way she did was probably her way of handling it. Forgive her and understand those words were said out of Illness and withour merit or truth. Stay focused on the positive memories and the "exceptionally close" relationship that you two once shared. You were a good Daughter and she was very fortunate to have you. I hope my response brought some ease. Feel better and may your Mother rest in peace.

Answer 7

Listen, you know your mother. You guys were close. You know that either the meds or her condition made her act that way towards her loving and kind daughter. You know if she could tell you right now that she's sorry and that she loves you with all her heart she would. She would hug you and cry with you and say honey I didnt mean a word. You were everything to me! You made my life so much more comfortable and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Youre my baby girl, mom's always love their baby girls.

Focus on the mom you knew before the med and the illness set in. Thats what she would want you to do. You cant listen to those words as you know she did NOT mean them.

Heal yourself. Listen to what you know is true. Mom didnt mean it. She loves you.

I know you must be hurting so bad right now, please just let it go. Use logic, she didnt mean those things. No way.

Please take care of yourself and focus on your "real" mom, not the sick one.

Answer 8

I am so sorry. Please remember what the hospice nurses told you. This wasn't your mother talking.

Your mom loved you as much as you love her. Its hard right now, but in time the hurt feelings will fade, and you will remember the good times.

Call the hospice that worked with your mom. You should talk to someone about this. Hospice is not just for the dying, its for those who love them. They will help you get through this.

Answer 9

Jennifer has hit the nail on the head.
I went through this with my husband. He would talk to people who have been gone for years. See pretty colored fire flies, red, blue yellow, just all colors and got mad at me because i could not see them. I just finally realized what was going on and went along with it.
Do not let this interfere with the good times and the love you two had for one another. Just be glad the suffering is over.
God bless you for all you done.

Answer 10

I was in a simular situation with my mom when she died last year of cancer. She got so she was in so much pain the last day of her life that she lashed out at everyone. Please do not take what she said to heart. Do not let those words color the memories of her you have, she truly did not know what she was saying. Remember the wonderful times you had with her and forget the rest. God Bless