At what age do you talk about "the talk"?

Question

My daughter is 4 years old. And I really don't feel that I need to be talking to her about saving herself for marriage, or sex issues. I feel she is just to young. My mother in-law, has never had a daughter, and she is always mentioning these adult subjects to my baby girl. She has also said that I did not need to allow my daughter to wear a 2 piece or even little tank tops, or shorts that are short. She said that if you start dressing them that way, it only ask for trouble later.
My daughter is only 4. I don't let her run around naked, and I do try to teach her the need to be somewhat modest, but I really feel that I need to wait until she is a little older before I have the sex talks with her. What do you think?

Thanks for all the great advice.

Answer 1

Your mother in-law clearly has loaded sexual issues of her own, that she is now conditioning into your child at a VERY impressionable time. In that you do not share her fears, you and/or your husband need to take a very strong stand ASAP. Children at this age are so susceptible, and being programmed to be fearful and ashamed of her body is so very wrong. It is your responsibility as Mom along with Dad to decide what is and isn't appropriate, not your other family members. I would be proactive about grandmas comments-tell your daughter that grandma loves her, but that there are ideas gram has about thngs that you and dad don't share. Give her permission to respect her Grandmother, without needing to follow all that she tells her. Speak to your daughter after time with gram, so you can put to rest whatever stuff she has put into your daughtes mind.I would for sure speak to your mil, and be kind but firm as to where you see her crossing boundaries, and insist that she respect your wishes. But, you telling her (mil) to knock it off just might not do it-that she feels this compelled to step in and take over this way indicates a strong personal need that she will seek to fulfill. There's only so much you can do to influence anyone. So either find a way to get around it by neutralizing it or curtail any alone time between your child and your mother in law, depening upon how well she is willing to honor your wishes.

As for talking to her about sex, it comes in layers, becoming more detailed and complex as is appropriate. Girls who are too young can perceive the sex act as very frightening, but you have to keep a keen eye and ear out, as to when that begins to shift. Bring it up casually, make it a natural part of life if you can, and watch close while you speak. Her face will tell you when she has reached overload. Be a mama bear for your child-not only do you have the right, it is your responsibility. Good luck!

Answer 2

I have a 4 year old. He thinks body part talk is hysterical and if it has to do with the potty then it's even funnier. He has no real concept of sexuality. We talk all the time about how is body is private (we have to because he is a little exhibitionist!) and we have talked with him about good touches and bad touches. You have to keep a constant dialogue going about things that are important for them to know. We bring up subjects like drugs,smoking and strangers whenever an opportunity arises. If it is part of the daily landscape of life, then it will become part of their core set of values. Sitting a child down to have a "talk" usually comes across as a lecture, not a learning experience. Our plan with our son is to teach by example, speak to him in language he can understand, and give age appropriate information.
A mother in law is a touchy area. She really only has your daughter's well being at heart. Perhaps your husband could gently explain to her that you guys feel her actions may have an opposite affect on your daughter and may make her too curious too young or more likely to rebel as far as the clothes are concerned when she is older. He can kindly ask her to leave the sex education up to the two of you. Really, by trying to keep your daughter from wearing a 2 piece or tank top, she is the one sexualizing your daughter's body. I'm sure it is unintentional but should probably be brought to her attention so that she may stop.

Answer 3

I don't think you need to be speaking to your daughter about "saving herself for marriage" at age 4. However, your little girl may come up with some sex-related questions sooner than you think, because children hear these things from other children - particularly those who have older brothers and sisters! If your 4-year-old asks you a question, you should answer her truthfully, but in an age-appropriate way. As far as her clothes are concerned, why would it be inappropriate for a four-year-old to wear a tank top on a very hot day? There's nothing wrong with it! And as for bathing suits, a two-piece is great because the child can go to the bathroom with much more ease. All of these things are YOUR choice, not your mother-in-law's!

Answer 4

It's all in steps. Yes, she's too little to have a "talk". Yes, dress them in a fashion you want carried on. As she gets older, she'll ask questions. I never had "the talk" but made sure they knew our values. You instill these things daily. By the way you act, say, things you believe or don't, etc. Raising children is a day by day experience. As long as she isn't going into details, mentioning that someday she "may" be married is ok. Just no details or even expectations. In this day and age, many people just don't get married. They have a career instead.

Answer 5

ok, first of all the "talk" should come in several parts.

Now would be a good time to teach her about "girl parts" and "boy parts" using language she can understand. Explain to her that these things are what make her different from the boy across the street.

Also, if you know someone who is visually pregnant, this could also be a good time to introduce her to "where babies come from."

The earlier you start, the more comfortable she will be with the subject when you have to give her the full-blown "birds and the bees" speech. She will also be more likely to ask you questions instead of rushing off to have sex behind your back.

Your mother-in-law may also be overstepping her boundaries as well. It is not up to her to decide when your daughter gets these talks. Be sure to let her know (firmly yet politely) that you would like her to stop. If she argues or continues despite your policy as the official mommy, then less time with grandma may be the best course of action.

She may be right, however, about the clothing your daughter wears, though she seems a tad overly opinionated with her approach. It's not that it'll be setting your daughter up for trouble later on, it's that this is when your daughter is most impressionable and needs to learn modesty. Also, remember what a lot of the reason you pick out specific articles of clothing for yourself is meant to do, which is flaunt certain attributes on your body that your daughter will not have for many many years to come.

Answer 6

There isn't a "right" age to talk about sex. Every child is different. My mom always told me that it was like taking a train ride. She would hold on to my ticket until the time was right. I was a very inquisitive child and we had the talk when I was 11, My sister on the other hand had it when she was 15. W hen the time is right you'll know. If you want you can look at several books that are available on how to talk about sex with your child. There are different age group books. www.focusonthefamily.org

Answer 7

I have a 6 year old daughter and we are no where near having the talk. I deal with things as are appropriate by what she talks about and sees. She knows that babies come from Mommies two different ways. I had a c-section and she knows she was taken out of my tummy. She also knows thanks to a little friend at school that babies come of mommies "bottoms" as well. But, she just has vague ideas nothing to in depth. This is working for us.

As for your mother-in-law, I have the same problem. But, I work really hard to let her know that there are choices that my husband and I have to make. She raised her children and now it is our time to raise ours. She has been pretty good about dealing with decisions we make.

I do however try to pick my battles with her. Some things are just not worth getting my self in a knot over.

All children are different. Follow your gut, it will not fail you.

Answer 8

Each child will 'wonder' about things at different ages. Depending upon how old they are when they ask questions, should determine how much info you give them. Make sure that it is suitable for their age. And as they get older, then you can indulge in more details. However, in this instance, your mother in law should have more decency in talking to a child in that manner that's just passed the toddler stage!! The thing is, I think your little girl is too young to really take in what your mother in law tells her, so it's most likely just rolled off her back.

Answer 9

Educating a child about all things sex related is a PROCESS not an event. A four year old needs to know some things related to sex and sexual behavior, but not everything. By laying the groundwork in early childhood that sex questions are a fair topic for discussion, you pave the way for open discussion when your child is older and needs more information.

Now, it seems you and your MIL have different ideas about what a 4 year old needs to know. IMHO, you should talk with your MIL about this, let her know where you stand and ask her to either support your position or keep quiet on the subject. YOU are the parent and YOU have a right to control what your child is exposed to. If your MIL refuses to respect your wishes, you can restrict the time she spends with your child. Harsh? Perhaps, but it sends a clear message that you are in control of your child.

Answer 10

by four she should know the basics of where babies come from, but leave it at that. Fears of oversexualizing a child can actually encourage that behavior, it gets her attention from grandma, even if its negative attention. At this age she can still enjoy her body without social pressure, by the time she is in first grade she will be told by her peers if she is "prety" "sexy" ect. Its very sad, but if she has a good foundation she will be ok. Let her know that her body is a work of God's creation, and is special, no matter what others may say to her.