disagreement on wedding type?

Question

my fiancee and I have two totally different wants for our wedding day - she wants just me and her, no one else, on a beach somewhere. I on the other hand am very close to my immediete family and cannot even begin to contemplate getting married without my mum and dad there and without my brother as my best man. The reasons behind her desire are based on a fear of her mother, who has a drink problem, causing a scene and ruining the day. Sober, her mother is a nice quiet demure lady, but with a drink in her turns into a very jealous, attention seeking woman. Beyond her mother, she has a slightly larger family unit whom she would feel obligated to invite. i've tried to reassure her that there is no way that her mum will ruin her wedding but my girl says she can't be stopped as she has done it so many times at family events when she hasn't been getting attention. Our parents never met and we both dread it as they are so different. anyone gone through something similar?

Answer 1

Marriage is all about compromise. If she wants the wedding on a beach, and inviting people is out of the question why don't you have a non alcoholic reception after you two are married in private? Make sure she talks to her Mom about being sober.
If you still want your family there when you are getting married then have her invite only the close relatives. Parents, sisters & brothers. Everyone else can meet up at the reception.

Good luck and congrats!

Answer 2

What if you do it without alcohol? Her mom wouldn't be drinking so (hopefully) she wouldn't make a scene. Or, would she do it with just your family in attendance?

Another option is that you could have two weddings. Do the first one her way. Go to a resort on a beach (a lot include a free wedding if you stay 7 nights) and that can also be your honeymoon. Then a week or so later, have another small ceremony at home with family and just go to a restaurant later for the reception. Make sure there's no alcohol involved and then there's no temptation. You can wear the same clothes you wore at the private, intimate ceremony on the beach.

Another option is just to sit her mom down and explain your worries that she'll make a scene and ask her not to drink (or tell her no alcohol will be served). Can you arrange a time for both families to meet prior to the wedding? For dinner or coffee or something - this isn't always possible if they don't live nearby, but it may lift any anxiety about the actual wedding day.

Good luck! I know this can't be easy!

Answer 3

I'm having the exact problem, but the roles are reversed. He is terrified of crowds, even if it's people he knows, and wants us to get married with only the minimum number of witnesses somewhere private. I, on the other hand, want a small church ceremony with our immediate families (20 people or less, including us!). I can also relate about how different your families are...ours won't get along at ALL!

What we may end up doing, however, could be an ok solution for you if she won't budge on the larger wedding fear. We're going to have a couple of friends, and get married with a pastor here in town, then have a reception of some kind (with no gifts requested), with our families.

I'll be watching your question, because I could use the same advice you're going to get!

Answer 4

You don't have to serve alcohol at your wedding. Have the reception at one of those churches that has banned drinking. Another option is to alert the staff at your wedding venue that she is to be removed if she starts a scene. Are her parents still together? Can your fiance's father control the mother? What about an Uncle or Aunt keeping an eye on her making sure she doesn't drink?

A wedding is not just about the Bride and Groom; it's about bringing two families together to celebrate the union. Your wishes need to be considered and so do both families. You guys have to live with these families for the rest of your lives. Unless you want to spend every holiday just the two of you, you guys need to figure out a solution. Good luck

Answer 5

I would suggest you need to help your fiancee to at least start to work through her issues before you get married, so that she can come to a place where she is happy to marry you no matter who is there, though I think having her mother drunkenly staggering up the aisle in the middle of the vows might be a bit much for any bride to cope with!
Can I recommend you get a copy of The Marriage Book by Nicky and Sila Lee, it's got loads of useful stuff in it.
I'm getting married in 8 weeks and my parents have only briefly met when we were moving house a few years back. H2Bs mum has suggested the four parents do dinner before the big day - I'd love to be a fly on the wall - they are retired before they're sixty, living in a big countryside house, and my parents will be working til they're ninety to pay off the mortgage on a pokey little terraced house with a postage stamp for a garden! But they at least have one thing in common, wedding planning!

Answer 6

ok, the above suggestions are great. See if your fiance would be willing to invite others if there were no alcohol served at the event. You could even go a step further and hire someone- a family member or not- to be the "mom-wrangler" Someone who can read her and will know if she's starting to feel like she's not getting enough attention who can steer her away from embarrassing situations and maybe shower her with attention all evening to keep her out of the way.

Answer 7

I had this problem with my dad. I was tempted to keep him off the guest list due to drinking. After discussing it with my brother, we decided that it would be too hurtful to leave him out. So I went to see him alone, and told him of my fear and asked that he not drink for this event. He agreed, I think, because he realized he might have to miss it altogether. He behaved and everyone had a wonderful time.

Her mother is her mother. Even though we don't always like the way people act, they are still important. Her mom would probably be crushed if she couldn't be a part of her daughter's day. Of course, being left out might be a hint that her problem is serious and she needs help.

Good Luck. I wish you a wonderful marriage, no matter what the wedding is like

Answer 8

Hi in my opinion I would try and compromise by asking her if you could have your family there and have no alcohol served at the reception and have exotic fruit cocktails instead with lots of colours and fancy glasses and suggest that you have a little reception with your own family when you get back home this way you get two parties and every-ones is please.

Hope you both live happily ever after, have a really good day best of luck

Kits xxx

Answer 9

Yes being in similar circumstances although now a long time married. My mother too had a drink problem and this worried me sick about my wedding, although going abroad then was never and option. I later qualifed and became an Addiction Counsellor but I this does not mean I have the answers to this one. In my case, not having the knowledge I have now I pleaded with my mum not to drink on the wedding day. She actually didn't but later when I phoned home from our hotel guests had returned to my family home
and she seemed pretty drunk. I can only say it is time for some honest talking, don't be like I was then and let her try to hide her mum's problem under the table. First of all does she really want a wedding away from lots of people she holds dear or is it only because of her mum? As I imagine it is the latter hopefully there are ways the situation can be resolved. However, no one on earth can guarantee if her mother has this problem she will not drink on the day. The sooner your fiancee faces up to this, the sooner she can deal with the situation. It is her day and the most simple answer she doesn't have her mum there and has to become immune from the guilt that her mum will try to pass on to her telling how hurt or how she will promise not to drink on the day etc. This lady CANNOT make this promise so don't listen to her. She really means it at the time but she has an addiction and from what you say not ready to accept it so without facing her problem she is not on any road to recovery. This is not something she can be persuaded to do, she must want to stop drinking before anyone can help her. That's perhaps the most harsh way to do things and more than possible not the way your fiancee would wish to handle it. Another way is really fingers crossed and hope for the best. By this I mean with your support she tells your immediate family her mum has this problem. That alone will take a great weight off her shoulders although she may find it difficult to pluck up the courage to do this. You know your own parents but if like most they will realise it happens within so many families nowadays and no reflection on your fiancee. This means she has no explaining to do on the wedding day. She then seeks the assistance, probably of her own family members to keep an eye on her mum and defuse any situation before it arises and remove her mum in the quietest way they can. Yes it can be done, if she is drinking it will show before it's at the stage where removing her will cause a huge scene. I know this is not an ideal answer but believe me there is not one if you both decide to have a wedding here. I do really know what she is going through and it has brought back so many awful memories to me. If like me one day there will be so many things with maturity that will not seem as bad but she will not believe this at present. I continually covered up for my mum, didn't speak about it and thought no one really knew when in actual fact everyone probably did. My mum seems to have been of the same nature as this lady when sober but abosolutely horrible in drink. Every occassion like Christmas etc I lived on my nerves because of her and spoiled it for others. After I was married and had 2 young children I got a call from my father frantic that she had been lying on a road drunk and taken to hospital. I loved her dearly but I remember despite thinking it was selfish just being so grateful I had my own home and family and it really was not my problem any more. I hope you show your fianceee this and she may relate in some ways to the things I experienced but I would beg her not to let her spoil her wedding day, she MUST have this day as you both want. Oddly enough for 7 yrs before her death my mum stopped drinking. I have no bad feelings towards her but I can honestly say her behaviour in drink has left me scarred and the feelings remain and memories vivid as in you never know when you brought a friend round what state she would be in, the drunken arguements with my father, things like that. Also even now in dreams about her it is always the way she was with drink. Funny things is she actually didn't drink a lot but at times she had to have it, and with her metabolism what she took made her drunk so she did have a big problem. Hope all this reassures your fiancee she is not alone, there are thousands in her position. Very best wishes.

Answer 10

It is such a difficult situation mate isnt it! I do feel for your girlfriend as it is total anxiety that is causing her to want a lone wedding abroad. However, could you not compromise? As these days a lot of people choose to do the abroad weddings, you could suggest to her that you are prepared to do this for her reasons, but on the understanding that your brother and parents and anyone she feels close to go along too. We did this and then upon returning we had a huge party at the local club for everyone else. It works brilliantly and everyone has had a slice of what they wante. Hope this helps mate, and GOOD LUCK. Please let me know how you get on xx