Our 20 year old daughter who lives at home is simply not growing up. She goofs off and gets terrible grades in college that we are paying for, leaves dirty clothes all over the bathroom and you cant walk through her room it is such a mess, and she has struggled with an eating disorder for years and refuses to go to her counselor or her group for help.
She can be very manipulative, and lies a lot about what is really going on. She does have a job but spends all her money on junk food. We got her a new car for college and she is more interested in staying out all night with her friends. We worry because she is basically the same as she was when she was 15. When we get upset and confront her with her BS - she gets very sweet and promises to go get help - then never does.
I think it's time for tough love.
2007-05-15 08:34:14 · 19 answers · asked by Blondana 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I did tell her this week that she was going to have to start paying her own bills and auto insurance which just jumped up very high due to her getting in a bad accident in the new car. But when she gives me checks - they bounce because she nevers watches her bank account and over-draws it often.
2007-05-15 08:42:39 · update #1
She is paying me for insurance because we bought the car for her to use for college and it is in my name. She cannot get insurance as the car is in my name. I am not going to gift a new car to her. Thank you all for your feedback. It has been a great help.
2007-05-15 09:39:03 · update #2
You have the Answer in your own heart! Tough Love is hard to institute when the "child" is 20 and exhibiting very immature bhr!! Give a 3-month deadline and be prepared to sell your home and move to another part of the country!! She's become a parasite...and you have to face the fact that one of the two--or both of you parents contributed/created this!! I don't see much hope that either of you can go through with the REAL SELFLESS LOVE that it takes to help/require children to grow up and become self-reliant. If you can't, be prepared to support her childishness for the rest of your lives!! She'll outlive you!
2007-05-15 15:27:11 · answer #1 · answered by Martell 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
give her an ultimatum, a few months and that is it--she is not 15, she is an adult. I was married at her age and with a child, paying bills, etc. Her room is to be kept tidy, no males allowed in there, home by a certain time, say; 1 a.m.. I would have her pay board, mabey $50. a week, because she has no sense of personal responsiblity. Either that or she's out by Aug. 1'st, and no coming back to stay. 20 is NOT the new 17, that's b.s. she is only using you.
2007-05-15 08:45:15 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why is she giving you the checks? She should be paying to the insurance company directly. Let them deal with her bouncing checks. She is never going to be responsible as long as you keep doing everything for her. Stop paying for her college. If she wants to go let her pay. You are pretty much burning up your money there.
She needs to start paying all her own bills. I think she should also get her own place. And when she asks for money you say no. Otherwise she'll be 40 years old someday and she will still be pulling this crap. Is this what you want?
2007-05-15 09:21:41 · answer #3 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know it is hard but she is old enough to know about the real world. I think it is time for her to move out. Give her a reasonable time frame to find an apartment and move out, then stick to it. Once she has to live in the real world, she may finally appreciate what you did for her. It is tough love but in fact you may be hurting her more by always fixing everything for her. She will be completely unprepared for the real world if something doesn't change.
Until she has to move out make sure she pays you in cash. If you are paying for cable, phone, cell phone etc or anything else disposable, turn it off or disconnect it. If she runs out of gas, then she can take the bus. If she runs out of clean clothes, then she wears dirty. If he car gets repossessed, then she is on foot. Cause and effect.
2007-05-15 09:10:11 · answer #4 · answered by wondermom 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it is your place so which you will desire to set some ultimatums or ask her to discover someplace else to stay. or you ought to discover which you're messing up a relationship that would have been helped by way of her in simple terms having moved out. in case you do no longer think of that's mandatory that she pays you lease, like if she would be in a position to't get a activity or some thing, then she would desire to a minimum of be doing each and all of the housekeeping and in all probability the cooking. You adult males in simple terms would desire to take a seat and be certain who does what. And if she's mad adequate that she makes a decision to leave, then that's her subject no longer yours. in simple terms relax and practice your physique for the appearance surgical operation. you do no longer choose the added stress. i'm hoping issues pass nicely from here on out! God bless.
2017-01-09 22:13:41 · answer #5 · answered by garriga 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only accept money orders from her. My folks tough loved on me. I came home & all my things were packed, on the porch, & locks were changed. I was devistated, but now that I'm back at age 37, I pay 1/3 all living expenses including property tax. I also do all the housework 7 yard work for them.
She'll be back after a future divorce
2007-05-15 08:51:24 · answer #6 · answered by J Doe 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to say this but it's time to threaten to kick this girl out. She is 20?!? Then she should have a part time job, do her own laundry and pay for her car's gas. Also, while she remains under your roof she should be made to listen to you and go to see her counselor about her eating disorder. If she doesn't listen to you threaten to take away her car or kick her out of the house. I know it sounds really mean, but she's just being a big baby. Good luck!
2007-05-15 08:44:35 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think your right. I am 23 and still live at home but I bought my own car, pay for my schooling and pick up around the house. You should really try and convince her to go to counseling, talk to her and try to tell her how worried your really are. Then, start making her pay for things herself. There is no reason why she can't pay for her car and help with her tuition. She has a job, she can start having some responsibility. It'll be hard, but no one said it wasn't going to be.
2007-05-15 08:40:30 · answer #8 · answered by Meggerz 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tough love sounds like a good idea. She is an adult now and weather or not she acts like it you must treat her like one. Tell her if the grades aren't up to a 3.2 average shes out of the house. Tell her that twenty percent of her check is her rent for the room she is in and she can be evicted from it if it doesn't meet inspection just like in real life. Tell her that your name is pit and shes not talking her way out of it and that if she doesn't follow these guidelines shes on her own you love her and best of luck! Or you can tell her that the military will pay for her college and she won't even have to deal with your rules and she can travel the world for free. They will straighten her out quick and in a hurry! I would recommend the air force.
2007-05-15 09:03:32 · answer #9 · answered by waltdawg3 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you definately need to deliver some tough love. If it were me, I would be charging her room and board for a start...time she realises the value of money and starts being responsible. Just because she is your child doesn't mean you can't charge rent ;) I would also get her to start contributing to paying for her own college. That might make her realise that she can't have a free ride forever.
2007-05-15 08:39:41 · answer #10 · answered by Ixtana 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋