Is it appropriate for my birth daughter's adoptive parents to expect to be included in my family?

Question

I have recently rekindled a relationship with my 19 yr. old birth daughter (i placed her for adoption when I was 16). Her parents say that they are happy about this but insist on being included in all my family activites and gatherings that I invite her to. If they are not included, my "daughter" feels caught in the middle and wants me to invite them just to keep the peace. I feel that its rather a control thing on the parents end since they still feel that they have to be involved in every aspect of her life.

It's not that they are "bad people". I just want to maintain a healthy distance since the mother is very controlling and it's "her way or no way".

How do I keep everyone happy? Including myself.

Answer 1

Your feelings are correct. Remember that they part of life you spent with her was separate, and the part you spent without here will never be regained. Your relation ship with her needs to be developed as a dependent relationship. You have so much to learn about eachother. Keep it separate, and if she is not ready for that, just give her space and time. It is a big mistake to combine the two families.

Answer 2

I'm sorry to say that they have the right because remember you gave her up and now they became her parents, so they feel obligated, but a small part no because she is 19. Don't be angry be thankful she has loving parents who took her in when you could be there for her. After a while then address the issue because then she will be more of an adult and they don't need to be there every time. They may feel threatened a little because your back and your daughter likes you and they just don't want her to end up loving you more.

Answer 3

That's a difficult situation. A relative of mine just went through a similar experience with her child. She is the adoptive parent. Her son is 12 years old and for the first little while they wanted to be included in everything because they didn't know the biological parents well enough. They did that for several months until they got to know the birth parents better. Now, Jeremiah gets to spend as much time with his birth parents alone. I'm sure it was difficult for the birth parents to go through the same thing you are. Wishing you the BEST!!

Answer 4

I am both an adopted child and a Mother of a child that was adopted out. I am now 45.
At 19 your daughter is an adult, there is no reason for you to have to include her adoptive parents in everything that you do.
they are being insecure, and she should also let them know what she feels about this. You mentioned that she said to invite them to save face. It looks to me like she is still insecure herself and doesn't want to cause waves.
Unless you have a really strong reason not to include them, I think that I would let them come.
Atleast you have been able to re-connect with her. I have not
been that lucky with my child. I have not seen him since his birth and with closed adoptions in NY I don't have any right to see him at all.
I also have never Met "My" Birth parents.
Spend the time you have with her enjoying it as much as you can. You're blessed to be able to be a part of her life.

Sincerely Lisa R.

Answer 5

If your daughter is 19 than she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions as to whether or not she wants to attend an event with or without her parents. You need to respect your daughters wishes . . . this is a tough situation. You need to appreciate the fact that she has even allowed you back into her life and understand that your relationship will be completely on HER terms (not her other mothers).

Answer 6

You need to be happy and grateful that they took care of your daughter for 19 years! Of course, they're going to want to be included in everything, they've been included that long. You can't just NOW want to take over role of "mother". That sounds rude, I just can't really think of any way to put it. They know that you are her birth mother but they've had her under her wings for so long! And of course your daughter isn't going to say "My real mom's back" and forget everything she ever learned from these two people. Just take a step back and realize how much they've helped you and your daugther. They don't want to be included only so they can overpower everything you say and do with her. They're her daughter too now, you made that decision when you were 16 and gave her up.

good luck though!

Answer 7

try to let them be involved as much as possible so they dont feel like they are losing her to you but also ask them if you can have some time alone with your daughter. Iam just starting a proccess like that except my son is 8 and is being adopted by a single male and i really want to be a part of thier lives,. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 8

Well, honestly, you gave up the right to be your daughters mother when you gave her up for adoption. Her adoptive parents are the people that have done everything with her for her entire life until this point. Of course they are feeling as though they have to be controlling-they don't want to lose her. If YOUR DAUGHTER does not want her adoptive parents around, she will let them know. Let her make the decision.

Answer 9

Your daughter is now an adult. I would be very honest with the her parents and tell them that you are trying to build a relationship with your daughter, not with them. You appreciate everything they have done, and perhaps you can get together on certain occasions, but you'd like to be able to spend some time with your daughter. If she agrees to it, then it's ok and she shouldn't feel like she is betraying them.

Good luck. :)

Answer 10

YOU gave up your daughter and THEY are her parents. They have a right to know what is going on in their daughter's life. I think once they get to know you and your family, they won't be afraid to let her be with you alone. Just try and be patient with them for a while. Then you may remind them that their daughter is now an adult and that you would like to build a relationship with her on your own.

Good luck!