Should I discover who I truly am?

Question

I come from an adopted family. Basically since I was old enough to understand, my mother told me she adopted me. And I seemed to be at peace with that. Never questioned it. But along with me, she adopted many other kids. She only had one biological son, who's in his 30s now (I'm 20 years old).

Many people have asked me if I ever tried finding out who my true parents are. I've never tried in truth, because I always felt that if I did, I'd be stabbing my mother in the back or something. She cared enough for me to take me when my birth parents gave me up for whatever reasons. And she also took in all my siblings too. I have over 15 siblings, some not living at home anymore. She's one of those humanitarian types. I never wondered if they tried finding their roots, but their roots had found some of them. I'm still in the dark.

So I'm asking this: is it right for me to try and find my birthparents, or would I be betraying my mother (never had a father) like I think I would be?

Answer 1

You are not responsible for the emotional well-being of your mom. Secure, emotionally healthy adoptive parents are supportive when their child searches for their roots. Searching for your family of origin is a normal, healthy curiosity.

It doesn't matter what you find at the end of the search. You should prepare yourself for all possible scenarios - good and bad. What matters is the search itself. The end result of a search is not emotional wholeness - it's the truth about your origin. And no matter what the outcome, good or bad, no one can take the truth away from you when you've started the journey of search.

Here is a great essary from an adoptive mother on adoptee issues, and it touches on the search
http://www.nancyverrier.com/par_notes.php

More articles on the effects of searching for adoptive parents can be found here
http://parenting.adoption.com/parents/adoptive-parents-birthfamily-and-search.html

You are obviously a very kind and compassionate person who loves his mother deeply. It really shows in your writing. Searching for the past does not mean you don't love your mom. All it means is you have the desire to search. It's not wrong to not want to search, and it's not wrong to want to search either.

Good luck.

Answer 2

you already found your true parents, she raised you. just because they dont share genetic dna does not make them any less 'true'.
i found my birthmother a few years ago. it was a great experience for me, some are not so great. if you are curious then you should do it. but only if you want to, not because someone else thinks you should. many adoptees are fine with never knowing. it is a good idea for medical information though.
your mother seems to be not only kind but intelligent woman. no dummy could raise 15 children. she knew the day would come that every one of the kids would question where they came from, and thats all that it is, where. it has no definition on who you are. none what so ever. so do yourself a favor and dont consider it finding out who you truly are, or you will give yourself a complex.

talk to your mom, if she objects, then take that into consideration, but if you really feel you need to know then explain your feelings and i think she will understand. something tells me she already understands.
good luck to you. i really hope you find what you are looking for, i am very happy i looked for my 'family'. count your blessings every day for your mother, she seems a prime candidate for sainthood.

Answer 3

It is very natural for an adopted child to have questions or curiosity about his birth parents. Adoptive parents know this. If you are afraid your mother may not be supportive of your wish to find out about your birth parents, you should ask her what she thinks about it. She knows that you love her and will likely not feel "threatened" by your interest in discovering your roots. She told you that you were adopted when you were young, so it's not like she was trying to hide anything from you. Go ahead and search, for your own peace of mind. Good luck!

Answer 4

Tough one! Well I think you should only do it if you truly want to know the reason you where given up in the first place, what I mean is, if you find your parents you might find out stuff you don't actually want to know. What if one of them is a convict, or one of them died and they couldn't afford to look after you?
So I guess what I'm saying is that you should be mentally prepared for the worst, to ensure that you do not get an unnecessary shock!

As for your adopted Mom, I think you should talk it over with her first. Explain to her why you want to do what you do and I am sure that she will understand and support you. Any person that has a heart big enough to care for cast away children will have enough compassion to understand your needs and assist you in this situation.

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 5

I absolutely feel that if you have a need in your heart to find your biological parents you need to do so. I believe that if you shared your feelings with your mother she would understand the need within one to know ones roots. I feel that you should share what you are feeling after taking it to the Lord in prayer with your mother. The only way you could betray your mother would be from not being honest with her about your concerns. This is not taking away her honor. She would still be your mother and loved by you even if you found your birth parents. Unfortunately, i believe every adopted child faces undeserved guilt. Follow your heart.

Answer 6

You absolutely should try to find them if that is what you want in your heart. I do not think, from what you have told us about your mother, that she would consider it betrayal. I am quite sure she would want you to do what you need to do, and that she has already prepared herself for all of the possibilities of things that may come up as you and the other children got older. I think that if you went to her, she would not only not feel betrayed but would be happy to help you in the search. But if it would make you feel better, you could say to her, that no matter what if you find her or not, that she will always be your mother, because she is the one who cared for you, loved you, taught you, and best of all she was always honest with you.

Answer 7

Absolutely not! You would not be betraying her! You are you and if it is in your heart and mind to discover your roots, then you should do it! If you don't persue it, you may wonder for the rest of your life. It will become even more important to you to know your heritage and roots when you marry and have children of your own.
I found my biological father at 29yrs old and it gave me a great sense of closure. I was glad that I found him.
Good luck to you! I hope you find what you are looking for!

Answer 8

My ex-husband was adopted and never found out because of the same reason, However, he never asked his mom what she thought about finding his birth mom. Why not sit down and tell her how much you love her and exactly what you wrote in your question. Sounds to me she would be understanding

Answer 9

as a parents myself yes it is good to know birth parents hear are just a few, blood transfusions, liver lungs,bladder all these could be a work of heaven if in need, plus to walk up and see the family traits of look alikes and get to re know them, most parents have grieved for years over the loss of their child or children and know as well it could even be a happy time for both sides of your family's let it be a grand meeting not one of hate or dislike at that one time in your life you were very much loved.

Answer 10

Your medical history is reason enough to look for your birth parents. The woman who raised you is, and always will be, your "real mother".

Talk to your mom about it first. Make sure she knows you love her and she's always going to be your Mom.

Then go for it! She may even be able to help.