Is it ever appropriate to look through your kid's things?

Question

I have a daughter who is 12. My husband and I are seperated and she's really been pulling away. I'm trying my hardest to give her the space she wants, but I'm afraid that she's angry and she's doing things she may regret in the future.

When I try to talk to her, she just withdraws. I found a note from one of her friends, telling her to cheer up and "don't be weird just cause of what you did with (insert boy's name here)." I don't want to invade her privacy and I don't want her to feel that she can't trust me ... but if something is happening with her I need to know about it.

I NEED ADVICE!

Answer 1

There are appropriate and unappropriate times to look. As a mother, you always have that right as long as she's a minor. She is getting to that age where everything she does has a major effect on the rest of her life (including dealing with boys). Girls always pull from mom at that age (I know I did). However if you found a message like that, that pertains to something she's done with a boy, tell her to talk about it. If she doesn't want to fine, moms have their ways of finding out private information. Remember she's a replica of you, you know exactly how she thinks and where to find out that info.

Answer 2

sometimes the well being of your children is more important than their privacy. No wait, let me restate that. The well being of your child is ALWAYS more important than their privacy. In today's society there is such a push for privacy. Your daughter is 12. She is not an adult. She does not make decisions like adults, she does not reason like an adult, she does not react to emotional situations like an adult. She does NOT need the privacy you would give to an adult. I don't think it's good to go through your children's things because you are curious or just want to know, but in a situation where she may be reaching out for attention in a sexual manner you need to risk losing her trust so you can find out what's really going on and get her the help she needs. Don't listen to society. Don't let your daughter become another sad example of what happens when a parent wants to be a friend instead of a parent. People may tell you you're wrong and not to invade her privacy, but for her sake you need to find out what's going on. If she won't tell you, then you need to figure it out on your own. Do what you know in your heart is the right thing. You'll know where to draw the line because you're not being a snoop, you're being a good mother. This has to be a terrible time for her, and I'm sure she will get extremely angry (and embarrassed) so just make sure you tell her over and over that you love her not matter what. This is what they call tough love. I really hope that you find out that she asked a boy out and he said no or something trivial like that. However, until you know, you can't just let it go. Good luck!

Answer 3

Oh I have been there with my oldest. Yes - it is acceptable to go through your daughter's things if you have reasonable cause to believe she may be engaging in behaviors that are harmful to her. You're still the parent. However, unless you suspect drug use, I wouldn't be so quick to go through her things. Rather than talking "to" her, try listening. With the separation, she has "lost" the family unit she knew and probably blames herself for the separation. It's not that she is angry so much as she is grieving. In other words, hurting. At a stage of her life where developmentally she is moving into probably one of the most confusing and easily influenced periods of her life thus far.

The worse thing you can do is give her too much space. Her security has been disrupted with the separation. So maintain consistent structure reasonable to her current ability to sustain within the structure. Set up a "date" night for just you and her - whether it be dinner, a movie she picks or a walk - doesn't matter. A weekly event she can count on. Doesn't even matter if you have a conversation or not. But it creates a non-challenging situation that you can use to your advantage. Even to say something to her about how confusing the separation must be for her - it opens the door. I hope her father is actively spending time with her - bad age to have "dad" disappear as at her age, daughters actually need their fathers more than ever. Moms and daughters typically engage in power struggles while teen daughters are learning and growing into young women.

You might also find it beneficial to have her see a counselor.

Back to going through her things. It's a judgement call you own there, given the severity of the behaviors you are observing. From what you describe, I would try other strategies first. Also, given today's environment - if she is menstruating - time to have a discussion with her on safe sex, including birth control - if you haven't had it already. Watch her grades in school - if they are slipping, big red flag waving.

Answer 4

I have 3 daughters...7, 11, and nearly 13. If at any time I feel that something is going on with them and they dont want to talk about it I will indeed look through their things. Sometimes as parents we have to so we can make sure they are not secretly doing things that could get them in trouble or hurt. I never go through their things without them knowing it and being in the room with me, that way I am not keeping them from knowing that I am looking. If I find something I think needs to be addressed I sit them down and we talk about it. Just try not to make it a habit of going through her things so that she knows she still has her privacy. Sit her down and tell her that you feel like you need to make sure she is not keeping something from you that you need to know and that you love her and accept her no matter what you may find. Good luck and God bless

Answer 5

As my opinion looking through ur daughters things is just an invasion of privacy. If ur daughter is pulling away from u Is probably LACK OF COMMUNICATION , how about you talk to her about the real things about life , maybe she is emotionally disturbed of the separation, u have to explain what went wrong because shell probably go to someone else to find COMFORT and u always want your daughter to be comfortable with you dont you ? well ask her whats on her mind n it may be difficult for her if you dont talk often. take her out and stuff and just explain life to her , n your relationships (not gettin to deep) but tell her focus on education b4 having a boyfriend cuz Girls think boys make them happy but all they have is a little stick (why have that wen u can get a dildo and just be happy?) she just needs someone to love her n MAybe as a mother u need to show her some more love. Extracurricular activities help also , Make your daughter Number one. Shes young and remember you were once her age to

Answer 6

" i need to know about it" well im sorry to say but if you're going to be possesive like that it will only maker her madder at you and you will never get along. my mom went through my stuff and all that i learned from that was that i couldnt trust my mom or tell her anything, and that she would always go behind my back and break my trust no matter what. ive always hated her for that...she went through my room and found personal notes and everything else that i may have eventually told her on my own and sought her help. and don't say she was too young, because i was about the same age, 13. so if you want your daughter to turn even more rebellious and despise you for years, go ahead. otherwise, sit her down, talk to her, and say that you've noticed changes in her attitude and her outlook in life and want to know if anything is wrong. ask her if she wants to talk about the divorce. maybe all she needs is someone to be there for her because she's hurting, too. maybe she just needs someone to talk to. not an overly possesive mother who will try to control her.

Answer 7

Your daughter will trust you if you continue positive parenting. If you feel the need to snoop, there is a reason for it. Try to get her in to counseling. It is hard enough for adults to go through divorce and separation. Let alone children. You are obligated to keep her safe. Try to open the lines of communication with her by doing things with her, one on one, with out others. Good luck!

Answer 8

12 well she is stuck between a child and young lady. Let her know in a round about way that you are there for her and will not pass judgment on her, no matter what. Did you think she may be having unprotected sex and is afraid but need to be on birth con troll and afraid to ask you in fear of giving herself away Her little secret. Offer to get her on birth con troll tell her it is just in case. Not to give her permission to have sex but to protect her if she does. And they do, my daughter was 12 had her baby at 13 So please listen to someone who has been there Get her on the PILL or something. Wished I had. I rased 2 children her at 13 and a new born.

Answer 9

I don't really think you can do that much damage when you're 12... but then again, i am a good kid. But the point is, you guys need mutual respect and trust. If you go through her things and she finds out, she's going to rebel and you could say goodbye to having a good relationship with her for a while. Just ask her about it and try to be her friend first, then her mom.

Answer 10

I have a twelve year old too, Try to let her know you remember what it was like to be that age. Tell her stories about when you were that age and how you felt about your parents and school and boys, I guarentee she will seem bored but she will hang on to every word you say. She needs to feel like she can relate to you. You do have the right to look through her things, it is the law that you protect her, from herself. Be loving and dont yell and dont accuse. You need to seem human to her, and although she doesnt need another frined (you) she does need to feel safe to make mistakes. Dont allow her to do what she wants and make sure she knows there must be respect between you. And you show it to her too. KNOW her friends and dont let her hole up in her room. Good luck