Telling Father?

Question

I have a 9 year old daughter, and I just asked a question regarding her father. He has been in prison for 5 years, and my daughter has never met him. As soon as I found out I was pregnant when I was 17, I moved away. The answerers advised that I let my daughter see her dad in prison. Now, the problem is...he doesn't actually know that he has a daughter. How can I tell him?

Answer 1

Tell her he is dead and leave well enough alone.

Answer 2

I did not see your other question so I'm not sure on the specifics, but I do not recommend taking your daughter to prison to see her dad-whom does not know she exists. Why would that seem like a good idea? Maybe if she was older but not now. The fact that he is in prison does not indicate that he would be any sort of a role model or even be able to help you or be a part of her life.
I have a nephew who will be 10 this year. His dad is also in prison. The last time he saw him was when he was like 4-5 yrs old so he doesn't remeber much about him. Not too long ago he started asking questions about his dad and that he wanted to talk to him and see him. My sister broke off communication with this man because he is a loser, involved with drugs and gangs and had previously threatened her. It was hard to try avoiding telling the truth to my nephew because he is not that small anymore and continued to probe our vague answers. Eventually my sister told him a revised account of why there was no communication. My nephew didn't necessarily not believe it, but it didn't change his mind about wanting to meet/talk to him. My sister made arrangments for them to be penpals with her discretion. But after a couple letters, they stopped coming. The he got out and was locked up again 7 days later.My nephew has not asked about him anymore.
I guess what I'm saying is, that he thought he had a "dad" waiting for hin somewhere, not just the "sperm donor" but we knew better. We tried to avoid him getting hurt/let down/etc but it happened anyway. If you can avoid that you should for as long as possible. My sister told my nephew she will not search for his father again (as she had for the penpal thing) but he is free to search once he is 18.
Not sure if my story is relevant or not but thought I'd share.

Answer 3

Before you tell your daughter about her daddy. Tell your b/f from the past about his daughter. He will probably be upset with you at first for keeping it from him. But once the shock wears off, he might become curious at least. Then correspond with him and send pictures from the time she was first born to present. Sort of a catch up so he can get to know her. Then if he is truly interested in being a dad and part of her life, tell your daughter about her dad and take her to visit him. Just because he made a mistake does not give you the right to keep him from his daughter and depriving your daughter from her dad. They both should know the truth. The sooner the better. If your daughter should find out later in years, she may resent you for keeping the truth from her and may never trust you again. At least you can say you were honest. Let the both of them decide which direction to go. But first work with the dad, and prepare him. So he can work with you to prepare your daughter in a gentle and subtle way.

Answer 4

Do NOT take her to see him in prison. Do you know how embarrassing and humiating that would be for her? She may want to see him but you do not take children to criminals even if it is their dad, you keep them AWAY from such people.If she was THAT important to him he would not be in prison, even if he didnt know about her( and Im sure he heard you were pregnant,In FACT i'd bet my next check he knew you were).If he was a decent human being he wouldnt be in prison.
I knew a kid in boyscouts who was about 12.His dad and mom divorced, his dad broke into a place and got arrested and sent to prison.AFter hearing him brag about how his dad stood up tot he cops blah blah blah, and then later was saying he wished he could see his dad, I had a man to man talk with the little guy. I told him it wasnt cool what his dad did breaking into a place to steal.I asked him how wowuld he feel if he worked hard for something and came home and it had been stolen how would he feel/He got the picture about stealing.I told him the guy his dad was stealing from felt the same way and the police were just doing thier job by arresting him and him fighting them was his way of saying he didnt care if it was wrong and he didnt want to take his punishement for what he had done.I also explained to himif his dad had put his kids first, he would have had a place of his own and a job and car and theyd be seeing him.The mother wasnt much better partying with her 15 yr old daughter and her b/f and her daughter's b/f friends who she bought beer for all under age. WAIT until he gets out and SEE if after a yr he has straightened up gotten a job, a car a place to live and acts responsible before you EVER consider letting your daughter even know he exists.Take her around some good family members like your brother or your dad if they are decent male role models. I know most folks will hate me for telling the boy about his dad.Id rather him be depressed knowing whats right and whats wrong, than depressed believing a lie and following a bad example.Either way he had it rough but I did what I could when I could to help him.

Answer 5

I didn't read the last question you had about your daughter and her father- but I'm just kind of wondering why after 9 years the sudden interest in letting him know he has a daughter? Is it because your daughter has curiosity about a father? or is it some other reason you have?

If it is because your daughter wants to know about her father- you probably should go about telling him. I'd contact him directly myself- either through a letter or visiting the jail myself. As for your daughter meeting him- I'm iffy on that. I wouldn't want to be bringing my child into a jail to meet a stranger she has never met before...even though he is technically her father.

Answer 6

I don't think its a good idea to let her see him in prison, can't that wait? As far as telling him, sure why not. Unless of course you think at some point he may get out of prison and try to harm you and your daughter. If you think there is even a slight chance of him acting violently if he ever gets out, then just forget about it. She does have the right to know or will some day.

Answer 7

Just remind him of the last time you were together and tell him, well guess? you have a beautiful daughter who wants to get to know you. The question is what is he in prison for? and do you really think based on the reason he is in prison that he really deserves to know he fathered a child. That is choice you have to make and live with. Good luck!

Answer 8

I don't think prison is the best place for any child to meet a parent. I think you should sit down with your daughter and let it be her choice. And be honest with her why he is there and that he has no idea that she exists. Nine is a really smart age for kids. Let her decide whether she wants him to know who she is and whether prison is where she wants to meet him. And I wouldn't ambush him by just showing up either. Give him a heads up. He may not want to meet her. But also remember who the parent is, if you feel she needs to wait, be the parent and make her wait. Tell her when you think she is ready you will tell her. And remember he has NO rights with her. Custody and visitation is entirely up to you.

Answer 9

Megan, I would suggest you just tell him. Were I in his position it would never be too late to find out I had a beautiful daughter. He may be upset about how long it's been, but he will also be happy he has a daughter and would love to visit with her i'm sure. Why did you wait so long to tell him? Didn't want him to know? Anyway, just tell him, or take your daughter to him and let him know, as soon as possible.

Answer 10

Write him a letter and ask how he feels about it. He may not want her to see him in prison. That is something that your daughter, who at 9 is old enough to deal with, and her father need to decide. But don't not tell her about her dad, and don't not tell him about her. Lies have hurt someone that was very important to me. They killed him.

Answer 11

Use the Good ole mail, send pictures, have her write letters and then when he and everybody is ready meet.
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However, He might be embarrassed about the whole situation and might not want his daughter to see him while he is incarcerated. Perhaps, when he gets out he can meet her, but it is OK to send or exchange mail. If your single, it might do him well for you to visit.....but a first time meeting should not happen by letting your daughter see him in jail that will be a memory she will never be able to forget (her daddy being locked up)

RD