My best friend's mother is terminally ill.......?

Question

with cancer throughout her body. She is not going to live much longer. THey say she has only weeks. We have been friends for 15 years. She has a large family. Is it appropriate that I would:
Come to the wake and stay how long? Is staying the entire time of bounds?
Bring food to the wake for the "family room"?
How do I ask about donating to charity in lieu of flowers?

Answer 1

First off...What a blessing to have you as a family friend. It is very thoughtful of you to think about these things before doing them.
You should definitely go to the wake. Stay as long as you feel comfortable. All families greive differently and once you're there you can pretty much go by instinct on when to leave...as sometimes they can become quite the emotional journey.
If they indicate that food items are welcome, yes.If not it's a nice gesture to bring food to your friends house shortly after things calm down after the funeral. Usually in the newspaper obits they will indicate if there is a preferred charity where you could donate and you can send the family a card to let them know that you have done so (if you feel inclined to do that)
The best thing of all is to be there for your friend.Losing a parent is a very painful experience (I have gone through it) and it takes time for those deep wounds to heal. Be there just to be there, to listen and lend a shoulder.
Bless your heart and good luck.

Answer 2

Hi - First of all, it's almost an insult to send or give flowers for a Jewish funeral. It's highly appropriate to bring food to the home where everyone will meet after the funeral. I just wanted to clear that up in case this family might be Jewish. I don't think Jews have a wakes, or they are family only and/or private, so I am assuming this is another religion.

It's appropriate to wait for the obituary to be published to determine which charity your donation should go to. Also, when everyone meets together (I'm assuming at someone's home?) after the actual wake and funeral services are over, it's okay to bring food. Many people do this so the grieving family won't have to deal with things like cooking. Even the smallest things can be helpful. If you can be there to help set things up, get ice for someone, or a plate of food for someone, etc, I think that would be appreciated and helpful.

I'm sure your best friend is going to want you there for everything. If you feel some doubt, just ask her how you can help her but please wait until after her mother passes away. I'm sure she will tell you what she needs and wants when the time comes.

Answer 3

Yes, come to the wake. If you think your friend needs support, stay as long as she wants you. Otherwise, I would say come for about 1/2 hour. They will be seeing lots of relatives.

If the wake is being held at the funeral home, then, no don't bring food to that. If you are referring to the dinner/lunch after the funeral, then, I say take it to the family room. Otherwise, bring it to the house after the funeral. If family is still around after the burial, extra food will be nice.

The obituary will probably list a charity in lieu of flowers. Sometimes the donations are asked for hospice which cares for the patient. You also don't have to wait for the obit. When you feel the time is right, you can donate to whatever charity you chose in the mother's name.

Answer 4

That's so tragic. I'm really sorry to hear that.

Having been your friend's best friend for that long, I'm sure she'd want you to stay at the wake for the whole time. There's nothing wrong with that. Bringing food would be a lovely gesture to the family - even if they don't invite you in to share it, although I'm sure they would.

Not sure about the charity donation idea though...maybe buy a smaller bunch of flowers as a gesture and make the charity donation in your own time?

If it helps, my fiance's best friend died of leukaemia a few weeks ago and we were both asked to ride in the family limousine. Just be there for your friend, nobody will think badly of you.

Answer 5

If you have been friends for that long, I would hope that her family would consider you family, and would not mind you paying your respects. I would just drop by to say how sorry I was and leave, because they have other people to meet and greet so to say. Usually there is something at the funeral home that says where to donate to charity, or it'll be in the obit in the paper.

Answer 6

.....just wait a while to ask your friend about these things. I'm guessing that you really want to help her somehow, but are feeling rather helpless. Right now, just visit her mom, offer to give her caregiver(s) a break by sitting with her while errands are run, listen when your friend needs to vent, hold her when she needs to cry. I'm sure the family will be making arrangements in the weeks to come - when you hear that they have started that process, let them know that you are available and more than willing to help in the ways you've mentioned. I know it's hard, but try not to rush it. Everyone feels helpless in the last few months/weeks/days of a loved one's terminal illness....

Answer 7

if you say that she is your friend then you will be there for her, especially at a time like that. you don't really have to bring this or that, all long as you are there that means alot. she will need you, trust me i know personally. my friend was there for me when my grandpa passed on, and she helped me out sooo much.

Answer 8

ask your best friend about it, but if i t were me, i would stay the whole time and ask if there was anything i could do and if i could bring anything so all i know is i would stay the whole thime but you should ask your friend when the time comes

Answer 9

ouch, that's mean considering she's still alive!