Should I say something to a re-gifter?

Question

I just got married and one of my friends who also recently got married gave me a wedding gift of ceramic cookware. Which would have been lovely, but I had already registered and recieved a set of corningware cookware.

I was going to ask for the reciept to return the gift, but upon futher inspection of the gift, I noticed that there was tape and another color gift wrap stuck to the box.

I am a little hurt by this, as I had gotten her a rather expensive pottery barn duvet for her wedding. My mother told me to call her out, what should I do?

Answer 1

I know this is totally against the rules of etiquette, but personally I don't think there's anything wrong or tacky about re-gifting when it's a nice, brand-new item and the person who is giving it has true reason to believe you'll like it. Nowadays we should be both frugal and enviromentally conscious; myself, I'd love secondhand items even used if they're in good shape, but then I admit I'm a bit of a tree-hugging hippie. :-)

Of course, re-gifting as a way to get rid of unwanted items regardless of how the receiver will like them is *very* tacky and inconsiderate.

Try to figure out which was the case here, then base your actions on it. You say 'which would have been lovely' if you hadn't already received a set, so I think this case is an example of the first kind, someone who had a set of brand-new cookware sitting around and genuinely thought you'd like it.

Answer 2

You need to understand that you are not owed a gift by anyone who was invited to/attended your wedding.

That's correct, etiquette is very specific about this: an invite to an occasion is not a demand for a gift. The recipient of an invitation to any party/occasion you are hosting is not obligated to give you a gift. The only obligation they have is to RSVP and let you know if they will be attending, and then write you a polite thank-you note for the good time they had at your event.

Yes, it is customary for people who attend a wedding to send a gift, but they are under no obligation to do so, and you would be committing a flagrant etiquette violation for saying or doing anything that indicated dissatisfaction on your part with any gift you are given. The only thing you can do without crossing into etiquette violation territory is thank the giver for the lovely gift.

Your mother sounds mean-spirited and crass, if you will excuse me. A wedding is not a gimme-fest, and you got a gift. That it was something the giver re-gifted you is beside the point. With all due respect, you do not know what the giver's circumstances were. She might not have been able to afford anything else; she might have genuinely thought that you would enjoy the ceramic cookware. Whatever, making her feel bad about the gift would only serve to show you (and your mother who gave you this bad advice) as mean-spirited, petty, and ignorant of etiquette.

You can never go wrong by taking the high road and being gracious and erring on the side of generosity of spirit. Do that now and thank the giver, and don't say anything about the re-gifting. That's the correct thing to do, and it's also the gracious and kind thing to do.

Answer 3

With wedding gifts couples often receive multiples of registry items. At her wedding she may have registered for the corningware set she gave you and received multiples of it. And rather than take back the corningware set she might have thought to herself, "Well I registered for this at my wedding because I really wanted it. maybe my friend would want it too." This happened to my sister and she too was a little hurt but let it slide because I explained this exact same scenario to her. I wouldn't worry about it too much. She probably just thought you would really like the set so it wouldn't matter if it was re-gifted.

Answer 4

Don't give to much importance to this, if she usually is a good friend of you, then material things has much less importance. Maybe she had not enough money to give you something nice. or maybe she let this for the last time, and that gift it was her solution at that moment. A lot of people do this re-gift action in their lives at least once . But if she is not very good as your friend, and greedy, then just give it back her gift, and explain her why you are giving it back..

Answer 5

Ummm, I just got married last year and received two different types of corning ware set that I didn't even register for. It would probably be wrong to call someone out as it is a gift. I would either re-gift it yourself or find out what store it came from or better yet just find out which store carries the item and get store credit. Or if you are indifferent to what set you will use return the corningware set for store credit or cash(I know Bed bath and beyond gives you cash back.) I know we ended up returning almost $300 worth of items we registered for and got cash back. Cash is probably better than some stuff that will sit in your closet anyways.

Answer 6

You never know - it could have been new and she just used an old box to wrap it in.

Even if it was a regift, you shouldn't call her out on it unless you want to lose the friendship. She may be having financial problems...you just never know.

One more point - you can't compare gifts that you give and receive with someone. It's instant death for a relationship.

Answer 7

Actually, I think it's ok to re-gift a wedding present. I remember when I got married and ended up with duplicate gifts almost everyone I talked to said I could simply re-gift them. So, I think it's not unheard of.

Answer 8

You are being sincere and gracious in this issue. Her trying to get out of giving you a thoughtful gift has blown up in her face!

I would certianly approach her with the most gentle tones and play it cool, as if you knew nothing about the re-gifting. What I would say is that you received two of the same gift and you would like to return the one she gave you for something else.

DON'T LET HER TRY TO RETURN IT FOR YOU!! COMMIT HER TO GIVING YOU THE RECEIPT SO THAT YOU CAN PICK OUT SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE AND NEED, at the same price, of course.

If you take control of the issue, you will learn more about her than you thought. You will also get the very gift that you want and need, instead of something else that was laying around in her closet.

Answer 9

Give it back to her as a Christmas gift, If she says, Hey this is what I gave you for your wedding ... say yeah and someone gave it to you for yours, so I thought you might like it back! That should put her in her place and teach her a lesson.

I don't have a problem re-gifting... but you do it with tact. And make sure you take all the other wrapping paper off.
And she could have even told you. "I have several things that I got from my wedding that I won't be using. I thought maybe you would like them". I have done that... and my friends are appreciative about it! HONESTY!

Answer 10

WOW---that sucks, but hey as stated above, maybe times are hard, and she couldn't quite get you what you wanted, I would return it for credit or re-gift it myself. That would suck if she has hard financial and you call her out and it ruins your friendship, but then again what if we don't know that she is well off, and is just a cheap sob!, then the question is are you really that hung up on this to either ruin your friendship or to make someone thats cheap feel even cheaper.... In any woot, just return it for store credit and get youself something!