How do you deal with a cheap boyfriend?

Question

I have been dating this guy for over 3 yrs and he has a lot of really great qualities. We are great friends, common interests, good sex, etc. We have a great relationship. However there is 1 problem...he is really cheap. Whenever he buys anything for us, he asks me for 1/2 the cash. Whenever I am the one paying, I don't even consider asking for 1/2. We drive my car EVERYWHERE so I am always buying gas. I sort of feel like once in a while he should offer to pay for gas or he should buy me dinner or something. We went to the bar on sat after I had made dinner (and paid for everything) for him and his bro and the cover was $3. He paid for his bro and not me! I don't want to start keeping a list of how much each of us spend or anything but I do think it should be more equal. This didn't bother me for a long time but now I am starting to feel taken advantage of. When I brought it up to him he got EXTREMELY defensive. Am I being silly? What is the right way to approach this?

Just to alleviate any confusion - he is not poor and I am not a gold digger. We each have our own income (almost equal) and we each have good careers. A gold digger would be someone who doesn't make any money and is looking for someone to support them. Obviously that is NOT the situation since I am explaining that I am paying all the time.

Answer 1

How about starting a dating "fund". Each of you contribute an equal amount on Monday. On the weekends you guys have to decide how the money is to be spent. Everything you guys do together (including the cost of the gas) comes from that fund. If you don't use all the money every weekend then you keep building up the fund every Monday. That way noone needs to feel defensive and noone feels used. Ask him FIRST how much he would be willing to spend every weekend and tell him that you will match what he contributes. That way he kind of sets the tone. but remember...you guys have to stick with just the money in the fund. If it turns out not to be enough then you guys will have to renegotiate and up the amounts equally or cut down on what you guys do.

Has he always been this way? Is there some financial situation he is in right now that has caused him to change? If he is really just a "cheap" guy then why did he break his pattern of cheapness and pay for his brother. Why didn't he ask his brother for 1/2. So, maybe try the dating fund thing.

Answer 2

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with everyone telling you to get a new boyfriend? Did they not read the first part about how great he is? No, let's just skip to the end.

Anyways, I have to admit that with as many other good traits as he seems to have that he would have this negative one among them. When I first read the subjectheader, I thought that perhaps he wasn't sure how serious this relationship was, so why lose money in it - but with you two dating for three years and doing well, this clearly isn't the case.

Unfortunately, my best advice is merely what I would do in this situation: the next time you pay for something, although it goes against your generous nature, ask him to chip in half. Study his response. If he doesn't feel he should, then don't make a big deal of it. The next time he asks you to pay for half, use his excuse back on him and see how that works.

As for the homecooked meals and driving places, do them as infrequently as possible. If he's over and is complaining about being hungry, agree (if you are hungry) but don't do anything about it. If he asks you to cook, agree to it (if you normally would), but just keep getting distracted with various things and never make the meal.

For driving places, tell him that your car is having problems and use his car instead. Doing this for a few days might break the habit of using your car. Or have him drive your car when its on empty and when he finally goes to fill it up, offer to pay half. ;)

Best of luck!

Answer 3

The real question is are you willing to put up with this? Don't go thinking you can change him, only he can do that and I seriously doubt he has any plans to do so. There are tons of broken relationships out there that started with one partner (99% of the time the girl) thinking, well I can work on changing that one thing that bothers me. Even if he doesn't realize it himself he IS taking advantage of you. If it's bothering you now, just imagine how much it'll bother you 3 more years from now. Just to see what happens, start asking for half on anything that you buy and see how he reacts, that will let you know if there is any chance at all of him changing. He could just be one of those selfish people that don't mind taking advantage of the kindness of others. The fact that he paid for his brother and not you might also be a clue of where you are on his list of valuable friends.

Answer 4

I know exactly what you're going through. I dated a guy for 6 months and I bought practically everything. (He actually had a better paying job than me!) We always took my car everywhere, I always paid the gas, etc. He would even come over to my parents' house unannounced to eat dinner. For our anniversary, he paid for his meal and made me pick up my tab plus the tip. I always felt like I was the one giving and he was the taker. We broke up after 6 months, and a year later he came to me and said he changed and asked for another chance. Needless to say, it only took a few dates before he was back to his old cheap self. We broke up again because I basically didn't want to feel so worthless all the time.
My best advice is to talk to him about it. If you don't see a change within a couple weeks, it's best to call it quits rather than waste your time.

Answer 5

Your concern isn't silly, but I think you're silly for putting up with this for so long. Once a man gets used to you "paying his way", he's not going to do anything extra. I hate to sound negative, but it's the truth.

I've been married to my husband for 12 years, and for the most part, I'm happy. The first year of our marriage, he had no job, so I worked and payed all of the bills. Eventually, he got comfortable, and when he started working, I still payed the bills, and I'd end up broke, and then when I needed gas money, a dinner date, etc., he'd look at me like I slapped his mama! It's just something that I continued to deal with(being silly myself) until I got to the point to where I'd let utilities, etc. get shut off to get him to meet me half way.

If you love him enough to marry him, keep his cheapness in mind. Do you want to be in a marriage where you have to do all of the paying and end up with nothing in return?

Keep trying to talk to him. Talk to him, not at him. If it still doesn't work, keep your money in your pocket, and don't be in a hurry to marry him.

Answer 6

*My ex was like that too.

.I would always drive an hour to go see him.
.He never offered ONCE to pay for my gas.
.I would always buy him things.
.He never bought me anything, whether it was a card, gift, gas, or dinner.
.Anytime we went somewhere he'd always make me pay, using the "I forgot my card" or "I don't have any cash on me" line.

*So as with everyone else, I called him out on it one day, and sort of bitched him out about it. I let him know that a relationship is a 2 way street in all aspects including financially, and that I was tired of being his ATM and his chauffer (however you spell that.) and that it was pissing me off. I also let him know that he needs to start paying for his own stuff etc.

.*After that he all of a suddenly remembered his card and his cash when we would go out, and he'd offer to buy my drinks when we'd go out to the bar or to the casino or whatever.

....it was a little step, but it was better that he was finally paying for something, then nothing.

....So I think you just need to express your "anger" about this to him straight up and let him know. You need to be firm with him about it too, and just tell him that you're sick and tired of always having to front all the money whenever you two go out and whenever you two go somewhere. And that you feel like he's being pretty cheap whenever he doesn't pay for you, or he makes you pay for 1/2 on everything when he does "help" pay for anything.

**Just be open and honest.**

Good luck.

Answer 7

I think the only thing you can do is to start making him cough up his half of whatever you pay for. Just matter of factly do it; don't make it a big issue. His reaction will tell you a lot about your relationship. If he just accepts it and seems OK with it, that will tell you that it's just the way he wants the relationship to work, and then you need to figure out if that's what you want. If he gets mad or dodgy, that will tell you that there are bigger issues here, and then you'll REALLY need to figure out if that's the kind of relationship you want.

Answer 8

If he is defensive, he knows he is gulity! i am sorry but being cheap really irks me. I thought at first, he may just be an idiot and not realize he is being cheap, but hering you say he paid cover for his brother and not you seals the deal! He is selfish and thoughtless! I would also say that he may feel like you owe him if you make more money then him. That is common with guys. They get jealous of their ladies being more successful then them.

I would tell him that this is really something that could possibly ruin your seemingly perfect relationship. If he isnt willing to compromise, then kick him to the curb!

Answer 9

Don't be the one paying any more. Start telling him you need gas money--don't ask for it. You don't have to keep any lists, just put everything on a 50/50 level. This will tell you pretty quickly whether he cares more about you or your money--and whether you should dump him.

Answer 10

there is no delicate way to approach this but explain to him the u feel taken advantage of..make it about how your feeling not that he's cheap that way he shouldnt get defnesive becuase ur not attackin him for bein cheap....but if this doesnt improve it will wear on you and eventually put a huge strain on the relationship....so tread lightly but be warned if nothing changes the relaionship will end