Bf doesn't attend events?

Question

Hi, last wk, it was my grandma's bday. My bf of 3 yrs (26 and I'm 25) was invited and he chose not to attend. He met my mom (once), not my close relatives. Yest, I was bridesmaid for my friend's wedding and was planned months in advance he would come. But at very last min., he told me couldn't come. His reasons are he is uncomfortable, and they are strangers to him, so what's the point of attending. The only function he attends is my bday (no-one else around). Strange part is that during our first yr, he attended almost all the functions I invited him to. He has social anxiety b/c for a potluck one time, he took social anxiety pills. Now, he backs out of everything. My friends/fam never said anything bad of him b/c it's impossible since he hardly met any of them. I attend all his fam/work events. He attends his friends' bdays. We discussed marriage. How can I get him to attend my friends/family functions?

Answer 1

If he has social anxiety, seriously been dx with it, then be patient with him. I've had it for 19 years. He needs to talk to a counselor & force himself to do things he doesn't want to do. There are meds that help. There are meds that don't help. He may have to try a few before he finds one that works for him. It's something in his mind that he needs to figure out, you can't force him to go places, he has to do it own his own. He needs to ask himself what he's afraid of and what's the worst that could happen. If he comes up with answers to those questions then he needs to think of solutions for them.

Answer 2

"How can I get him to attend my friends/family functions?"

You can't. Sounds like he has an emotional condition such as Asperger's Syndrome or social anxiety disorder. With either your BF will be very stressed and anxious in social situations with people he does not know. I live with someone who is a very high functioning Asperger's and it is a challenge in every way. I also used to be so upset when he did not attend family functions (pretending to be ill on Thanksgiving for example) but now that we understand more about Asperger's in adults we are working hard to overcome his worst social issues. It's hard. He cannot sit at a table and share an appetizer and a buffet style meal sends him into orbit (germs). I can understand that if your BF has either of these issues a pot-luck style dinner would be very stressful for him. These folks try to avoid situations that make them feel and act differently than neurotypical persons such as yourself. Being in those situations causes so much stress and anxiety and very often they don't truly understand why and they are embarassed. (Hence the avoidance.)

Read up on these issues and learn all you can so you can try to understand where your BF is coming from. If you realize that you cannot deal with these issues it is best that you withdraw from the relationship. They are not easy to handle (boy do I know that) but once you understand it can make it easier. You just have to decide if you want to deal with it or not because chances are it's not going to improve dramatically.

best of luck!

Answer 3

This is a time for very open-communication. There needs to be a very honest talk between you. You need to let him know how important it is to you that he be a part of all the aspects of your life and that if you're going to talk marriage, then let's get real and find the source of the problem. If he needs help, you'll help him but let him know that showing up to functions without him only makes people think you guys are having trouble and you're not so he should be a good boyfriend and attend!

Answer 4

If he gets anxiety or doesn't feel comfortable don't push him. This will only make him resent you for doing that. I suggest to always invite him, but don't expect him to attend. Don't push him on the subject. A lot of people have social anxiety and don't really know it. It sounds like what he is going thru. Be understanding. This isn't a matter of not wanting to be with you or your family, but that it is scary and causes him great discomfort. Unless you have ever experienced social anxiety you wouldn't understand how awful it is. Panic attacks and anxiety are no picnic. If you truly love him you will help him deal with this.

Answer 5

some people do suffer from anxiety, social phobia and even have panic issues around strangers.

therapy can be helpful at times, but a person has to WANT to change, and for things to get better. even though you could suggest this to your guy, it's entirely up to him whether he wants to go to a therapist, or not.

you can't force him to attend functions if he can't or does not wish to become involved.

he probably attends friends' and family functions because he is familiar with them, and more comfortable with the familiar.

take care.

Answer 6

Why would you discuss marriage with this guy, are you that hard up? He has problems, real ones that won't go away. You can't fix him and he isn't going to get better. You don't' need this type of drama in your life, you can do better. Sorry for him, but it's not your problem to fix. Believe me...you will be sorry if you end up married to him. Kick him free now before you get much older. It takes time to find the right guy, stop settling for less than you deserve.

Answer 7

Tell him you're going to have to break up with him. You are too young to go the rest of your life without a partner at your family/friends events. You will be finding a person more willing to be around your family/friends. Perhaps he'll have a change of anxiety and show up...if not, ur call. Put up or put him out...

Answer 8

Remind him that your family is an important part of your life and if he wants to be a part of your life as well he needs to make time for these types of events.