How can my gf deal with mother's victim mentality?

Question

My gf is 1st generation, meaning her parents are from another country. They are Asian. Her mom drives her nuts, which in turn, drives me nuts too. Her mom had a few "tough" times like 30yrs ago but dwells on it constantly and it puts her in depressing moods. She insist that her daughter must constantly listen to it, with no aim for closure, but more for just venting. My gf gets exhausted with this but the mother is relentless-it's an issue like every other day. We tried explaining that everyone is responsible for their own happiness and that things are good now so why dwell, but she doesn't care for all that. she also wants to be babied. It's quite ridiculous to see a 52 year old women act so silly. She says her daughter is bad and doesn't care because my gf doesn't serve her (during dinner) or baby her when she is sick (not serious sickness but like a tickling throat). Even the lady's doctor told her to quit coming so often-she was scheduling appts about 3 times a week.

Answer 1

What about your girlfriend's father? Is he in the picture and how does he act? Can he help with her mother? Your girlfriend's mother grew up in a different culture and hasn't fully acclimated to her new surroundings. The mother needs something to take her mind off herself. Maybe you and your girlfriend can take her to a homeless shelter or other agency where she can put her energy into helping other people who need help. By doing for others she will hopefully forget about her own troubles.

If she's not willing to do anything for herself and you've both done all you can, the only other option is to spend as little time as possible with her. Once she realizes her daughter doesn't want to spend time with her because she's unpleasant to be around, she may start to make some changes so she can see her daughter more often.

Your girlfriend doesn't have to buy into the guilt trip her mother is trying to use. Sometimes, people are so ingrained in their own problems they can't see how they're affecting other people. Harshness may be the only answer here to shock her into reality.

Answer 2

Dealing With Victim Mentality

Answer 3

Her mother might be suffering from post tramatic stress syndrom. That is when tragedy struck one time, or more, and it was so awful to the individual they can't seem to emotionally get past it. I am surprised her MD didn't advise her to seek professional physcological help. Her MD should of been the one to even further support/help her make her first therapy session so she can vent to the professional instead of her daughter. And any doctor knows that a person who makes several appt in a month...let a lone a week is NOT mentally right. They need help. NO different than a diabetic needing an MD. Her mother NEEDS help. Find her a therapist, quick! There are medications that will help her get OVER her tragedy. What is happening is that her mother is not capable of removing that memory from her mind. It comes to haunt her daily! Imagine living with a horrific memory & how would YOU get over it? 30 yrs may sound like a lot but my grandpa NEVER got over running over/killing a 7 yr old boy. The boy ran out into the street from between two cars back in the 60's. He became an alcoholic b/c the night mares were never ending. He lived to be 90. He was a young man when it happened. Live with that tragedy and try to forget it. Men are different than women. My grandpa never brought it up. He drank it up. Get her mom to a shrink...good luck

Answer 4

Chances are your gf will never be able to change her mother. Being a 'victim' serves a purpose and is part of the dynamic of their relationship. Your gf can learn to respond differently. There are a few good books out there:

Toxic People: 10 Ways Of Dealing With People Who Make Your Life Miserable by Lillian Glass

The Last Word on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense – Susan Elgin

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People by George K. Simon

Your gf also needs to be 'ok' with being the 'bad' guy and not letting herself be sucked into the cycle of being made to feel guilty.

Answer 5

As per the info:

She's trying to get attention for a reason you have not relinquished that she is not dealing with - something is bothering her and I won't dare say because I don't know for sure - do you? Hopefully g/f isn't assuming to grow forward means to seek and destroy my mother daughter relationship - if that's the case mom would feel that and may not be expressing herself in a productive manner. Based on what I can see via your info, I would erase the line in the triangle that has your name on it and leave that relationship between the daughter and the mother - tell your g/f that respectively and don't give g/f an excuse called her mother or use that relationship to cover up your responsibilities between you and g/f. If there are problems in your relationship with g/f it isn't her mums fault it's between you and g/f.

Answer 6

the asian culture is very different when it comes to the family and especially caring for the parents. the only thing i can think of is for your gf to walk away. it may mean being disowned by her family though. this is a tough decision for her. try to be patient. it's obvious that her mom has taken this too far but, it's her mom.

Answer 7

She sounds like a serious attention seeker. So, don't give her any attention - tell her that she has to start living her own life, and if she wants to wallow in her own misery, then she must do it by herself. Your gf must be serious about this - and not let her mother bring her down. She sounds like a jealous spiteful old cat.

Answer 8

This sounds like my mom. They think it's probably post traumatic stress disorder or borderling personality disorder, both which require extensive self healing, there are no miracle drugs for these. Your gf has to try to get her to help herself...which I have had little success doing.