Help! Selfish Teenager?

Question

I'm a high school teacher, so I know teenagers are a bit self involved. But my daughter takes it to a completely different level. We try to do all we can for her (monetarily, physically, emotionally, spiritually) however, she treats us like we are nothing more than money bags. Whether it's prom, a car (yeah, it's a P.O.S. car, but it's wheels she didn't pay for), or a coach purse for her 18th birthday, she will take these things gladly but then doesn't show any love or respect for us. She LOVES her friends.
Am I being a sucker for giving in (and in essence attempting to buy the love she will not show) or should I keep trying?
p.s. Her little sister is totally the opposite

A lot of you said for her to get a job. She does have a job. She's putting all her money toward a "senior trip" to Europe (we were planning on paying half--though at this point I'm about to say NO)

by the way...thanks for all the answers!

Answer 1

Well I seem like that, me being a 15 year old. Truth is, I make my parents believe that I don't care for them. But I love them so much, and I think about it when I'm not able to talk to them (e.g:i may be at a friends house, their asleep) I miss the times when I was a young child and they'd taken care of me and boughten me things, dressed me, when i was excited to go to Toys R' Us. I think I just don't know how to show them I care for them and that i'm not just using them. I don't know what to say about your daughter, maybe she can't show it either. My parents think i love my friends more than them but that's not true.

Answer 2

You cater to her every whim and you wonder why she is selfish? C'mom mom...you answered your own question here.

Nice things are EARNED...not required or deserved just because she happens to breathe air. lol

The gravy train needs to stop right now. Yeah she is going to "hate" you for a while, and you are going to be the "worst" parents ever...but in the long run it will be worth it to lose the primadonna.

Next Coach purse she wants, she has to earn it the hard way...chores & respect.

Figure out what she values the most (designer things,the car??) and if she disobeys or disrespects you...they go away...and not just for a day....long enough to make a point (no less than a week) and if she continues the behavior, the items go away permanently.

Mom, it's tough love not suckers that earn a child's respect...they need you to be a parent, not a friend.

Answer 3

Breanda, these things you seem to be describing are like rewards you give a teen for doing things good. she shouldn't get what ever she wants unless she pays for them, if she isn't respectful or grateful. I could have gotten all A's in high school but my parents would never give me anything if I was selfish. as a matter of fact they never got me anything expensive if i didn't pay for half because they didn't believe that a teenager needed such luxuries. yes, she i spoiled. if you get her whatever she wants even though she is selfish then how will she ever learn that she needs to stop? she is just being her own ungrateful self and being rewarded anyways.

incourage her to get a job and make her buy her own things she wants. she is 18 years old! at this age you are only obligated to get her the things she needs and nothings she wants. she is an adult now, she will work hard for the things she wants and wish she had it easy when mommy and daddy bought her whatever she wanted. then she'll be grateful

Answer 4

I think you have done the wrong thing by trying to buy her love which as a result has spoiled her beyond your control. Parents should know how to handle their kids when they are at a younger stage it self; setting boundaries, limits, giving responsibilities as much as the love and care you shower on them. Some parents feel that dishing out money and valuables is all their child needs. But when the children grow up to be teenagers they know too much on how to handle their parents and where and how to score and they very well know how to get what they want.

Too late crying over spilt milk but you might as well try not giving in all the time and setting in some rules!!

Answer 5

You don't buy love. You have spoiled her and she is paying you back because you have taught her to demand things and be disrespectful to you because you keep giving in to her. Cut the purse strings. Set ground rules at the house and if she doesn't want to abide by them, tell her to get her own place... and follow through with it. Once she learns what it's like to have to pay all the bills without help from someone else, she will start growing up and appreciating what she had. I know, my nephew found out the hard way. And don't bail her out everytime she gets herself into a pinch financially. What does that teach her? Nothing. She will never grow up if you keep giving in so if she gets her finances messed up, go with her to a financial counselor and let them guide her and show her how to budget.

You are the parent, act like one. When you set rules, follow through with them because when you give in, she knows she can manipulate you and she loses respect for you... again.

Things like this is why kids are so disrespectful to authority figures today. It all starts at home folks. So look at your children and see what you have taught them... they are a reflection of you and your parenting.

Answer 6

By giving her everything during 18 years , she learned that she is entitled to have everything.

She did not have to earn or deserve these things.

How come you are giving her all these things still ??

You said yourself you are trying to buy her love.

You are not acting as a parent and a guide when your desire to receive her love at anyprice is stronger then what your parental role should be.

So if you want her to be different, you'll have to act differently with her.

Therapy would be a good thing for you , because your actions toward her are probably motivated by some ancient emotional wounds.

Answer 7

Just love your daughter. It isn't about you. She is in a phase where she needs to feel independent. She loves you, she doesn't show it because she knows you're there. Have her get a job and stop giving her money, if you want. Try talking to her like an adult instead of a child. She is trying to grow up. Give her space.

Answer 8

I find that when I remove the child's dependence on me for every financial thing, that it removes a lot of tension. I give my daughter pocket money (she earns it) and she budgets now. For a special occasion, like a prom dress, I would help out.
Teenagers struggle to come to terms with growin up - it's bewildering. They're still self centred.

Answer 9

So by giving in I get the perception that you feed your oldest daughter's selfishness and lack of respect toward you (her parents). I feel that you will need to stop sheltering your daughter or she will always come to take advantage of everything you hand down to her and give nothing in return. Try taking her car away, getting her something of smaller value for her birthday, or when she asks for something you tell her bluntly, "NO". Think to yourself, "The worst thing that will happen if I don't give into my daughter is?" and then answer the question yourself.

Children's behavior is a direct reflection of their parenting. Your children haven't come with ready made personalities, you have gotten to mold and sculpt who they are today by taking the actions you have throughout their lives.

Answer 10

If she's a good kid and does well in school, this is the time to be on her side. That doesn't mean you have to let the girl walk all over you, but if you want demonstrative love and respect from her at this stage in her life you're fighting a losing battle. Back off and let her come back when she's ready.