a LOT to read but I NEED suggestions, answers, HELP!!! PLEASE!?

Question

i dont really know where to start, so maybe with a litte background info. I'm 21, live with my mom & sibs ONLY because I'm a college student & trying to take care of an 18 mo. old @ the same time. but what I need is a way out. I can already see the wave of "get off your butt & quit mooching"...'lazy'...'denial'.... *eye roll* "shoulda kept your legs closed" "where theres a will theres a way" "stop making excuses" "get a job"...and the 10 million other paint-me-as-the-badguy things I've been told so far, so please try to listen & help, NOT judge. my baby was a rape baby I never chose to make her but I just couldnt give my flesh n blood to a stranger so I kept her. But now, living in my mom's house, is getting unbearable. She controls my every move, borrows most of my $(w/kickout threats if I dont give) never to be seen again & asks for me to pay groceries on top of it(which I mind a LOT less than the "borrowing").She plays mindgames with me, interrupts CONSTANTLY
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is depressed 1/2 the time & will hardly listen to anything & turns it into a fight when she does. i have a mentally handicapped sister who can do a heck of a lot more if she tried(I've seen it done when she lived w/ my gramma) but she baby's her so much that she SCREAMS & does ANYTHING she wants because she knows she can get away w/ it.NONE of my sis & bro's do ANY chores, listen AT ALL...and every one of them(big, little, parent...all of em) hits, punches, spits, kicks, scratches, bites, throws, talks VERY foul, screams(oh the screams...they've logged months total in just screaming). No matter how hard i try the house is always filthy unless my mom decides to clean the whole thing in 1 afternoon. usually the only food in the house is hamburger helper & koolaid. if i buy anything for myself i have to lock it up because it'll disappear.My mom wont listen to any suggestions or even TRY to discipline them other than violence. my 16yr old bro is actually looking forward to boot camp.
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but now for my dilemma. Aside from ME having to be around this, my baby has to be around this because as silly as it sounds I cant afford to work. I have 7 classes plus homework, which leaves me as little time as it is with her let alone never being home if I added a job into the mix. So I cant afford my own place right now, would never take her to a homeless shelter unless our lives were threatened, and aside from my mom insisting on watching her(they adore each other,she follows 'grana' around like a puppy). There is a daycare at my school but they wont accept her because she was very allergic to the baby vaccines, plus she's allergic to animal fats & theyre required by the state to serve the same thing to each kid. I am slowly learning how to drive when I can squeeze in a lesson, but havent been licensed b4 due to seizures(past).
Even though theres all this to read, my question is simple: HOW do i get myself OUT & AWAY from this mess? Please no rude or pointless answers. Thanks.(=

also, please, even if its hard...please try to understand where Im coming from. ANY relevant suggestions, answers, help, etc. you have is GREATLY appreciated. Thanks so much. (=

p.s. many would suggest counselling. We've gone to multiple counsellours over the course of 15 years. NONE of it helped...in fact, they played face while in there & now make fun of it.

20 hours ago
yes I have to take 7 classes. I cant slow it down any because 1st & MOST importantly I need to be able to graduate asap...which leads to the 2nd reason...why i need to graduate asap...aside from the obvious, my one MAIN dream is to become a singer, actress,etc. BUT I do know how much of a "pipedream" industry that can be so I'm studying to become a nutritionist as well and I need to get workin on the musician/actress gig very asap, b4 i get to an age hollywood considers too late...so while working on that I'm going to need the income from the nutritionist gig...which translates into...asap...aka

7 classes...aka..."school home baby school home baby school home baby" round n round till I'm in cap n gown.

I've had several people so far tell me awful things about calling her a "rape baby". Honestly I am past all that and would never consider her that. The only reason I phrased it that way was 1. theres a character limit on here & I didnt know exactly how the rest of it was gonna come out, & 2. I only use the term because that is the only reason I had to move back here. The state I was in would've taken her from me if I gave birth to her there because her "father" was a sex offender, and I didnt know anyone else on the spot like that besides family...otherwise the term rape would never have come up.

ok so things seem like they might be looking up, my sister tipped me off to an avenue it seems is very worth exploring. If I could ask for other suggestions though, on childcare? Yes there are government subsidized programs, and that is what my school has. The public assistance I do get(which all along has been the $ my mom takes), their programs would pay for every bit of it....but my daughter cant go to any of them, 1. Because they require vaccinations, which she wouldve gotten if she werent severely allergic to them, and 2. because she's also, well I dont suppose its an allergy per se, but her system REALLY can NOT handle animal fats(we've seen the effects several times ): ) and those places are required to serve the same thing to each kid(& even if theres some blessed soul out there willing to accomodate, who knows if it'd be consistent?)
So, if I'm spozedly gonna be payin rent, bills, tuition, etc, even on public assistance or some kind of work or whatever...what do I do about

childcare?

Answer 1

I hate to promote the "get on welfare" but single moms can get genuine help and become independant with the help of the government. It is very difficult but it works. Start with the local county AFDC (Aid for Families with Dependant Children), Food Stamps, Medicaid, Childcare Assistance Programs, HUD, Section 8 housing, Homeless and Needy services. You can go to a women's and children shelter with your child if you really want to get drastic and accusatory towards mom about abusivness. You can get Pell grants for school, finish your degree, then get a decent job and get off all the government programs and become something. Single moms can really get some genuine help, but it takes a lot of paperwork filling out and you have to keep asking questions to get the answers you want. Good Luck

Answer 2

Well first of all...I didn't see when you would graduate? If it's not too far away then why not just stay where you are for now? If it is a long time why don't you consider holding off on school for a while. You would be able to get a job (even working at a fast food restaraunt or two) and be able to support your child. I don't know where you live so I have no idea how much the cost of living is. Why don't you consider getting on low income housing? I don't like people who use the government for the wrong reasons but I think you would really benefit from trying. At least until you were able to get on your feet. There will be alot of people telling you that they (taxes) are paying to raise your child but who honestly really cares what they say? You did great by taking care of your child. I have no idea how hard it would be to make that decision but I believe you did the right thing. Now you just have to make sure that you give her the life she deserves and get her out of that house. Good luck with everything though.

Answer 3

Being a single parent and going to school is difficult, yet you are doing it to better your life and your child's life, keep that in front of all the time! --- You are doing a good thing...---
This is an investment in your future, a very good investment!!! Stay Focused !!!! Don't let anyone talk you out of this or any other of your dreams, especially cuz of there own misery.. wish the best for them, see them being happy and moving on, or helping...

Creating a support network is so important as a single mom!! Maybe you could even find another and you could share/trade childcare, apts, anything to get you into a more positive environment.
There should be support groups for women in similar situations, if not Start One!!!

Check with Student Services, county or state resources, there are usually help for those doing what you are in terms of school, child-care, etc...

If you can not create a way to move out with another more supportive person, try to be somewhere else most the time, with your kid if possible..

Maybe even put an add in the school paper, bulletin board, put it 'out there' that you need a more supportive living environment, it WILL come to you when you believe it, create it, visualize, Know it will happen for you...
Get the movie The Secret should be a good resource for you.
You will find someone else that you can share this time with that will help you and make it fun even!!

Answer 4

That is not a good atmosphere in which to raise a healthy baby.

Tell your mom she's getting no more money from you. Tell her you will buy your own groceries but lend her no more money. If she complains, tell her you will help with the housekeeping, which is fair. Don't fall victim to mind games. When she starts, clam up and go do something else. Be consistent. Never stoop to her level.

If she persists, you persist right back and let her make her "kick out" threats. See if she will carry through with them. She either won't, in which case you can stand your ground and not have to worry about it. Or she will, in which case you should go to your local woman's shelter and tell them you were kicked out of your home. They will assist you in getting on your feet and being independent.

In the long run, this is the best thing you can do for your baby.
She is learning about life from you. When you show strength and determination and a strong will, she will learn to do the same.

If you have friends to turn to, now might be a good time to seek their support. Promise them that it will only be short-term and you will pay them back.

It's difficult enough to raise a baby when you're married and have support. Your situation is really tough and your mother should be supporting you. You may be happier living on your own, even if you are on a very tight budget and have to share an apartment with roommates.
I wish you all the strength to get through this. You sound like you are trying to do your best. In that, you are setting the best example for your child that a child could have. I commend you for that.

Answer 5

Many years ago I was in your shoes, I could have wrote every word (except I hadn't been raped) anyway it is hard and there are some things you won't be able to change (like what people are saying). There are some things that you can change though so focus on them. First be the best mother you can be, babies grow up fast. (And put the rape to rest, the little one doesn't need to live with that burden, and neither do you, that only allows the rapist to continue to have power in your life). Talk to your mom about how much money she expects you to give her each week, or month, then decide if it is more economical to stay in her house or move out. Then if you agree to pay your mother a set amount for your share of the expenses, you are also paying for the freedom to make your own decisions. Don't be to proud to ask for help, but don't let the help slow down your motivation. Do the best you can do in college, stay focused, and graduate so you and your child can make it without having to depend on anyone else. If you do this then you can make choices that you can't make when someone else is paying your way. Probably the most important thing is to put God first in your life, He is amazing and with Him we are never alone. He will give you His Holy Spirit to be inside you always guiding you and protecting you . There isn't space here to tell you all the wonderful ways He is here for us, so please, please find a good church where they teach from the Bible and become a regular face there, God will do the rest. My prayers are that you will have a wonderful future because you have found and excepted Jesus as your Saviour. God Bless After reading your p.s. - If there is violence in the house it is important that you GET OUT ASAP - your child could get hurt. Look at what your families actions are teaching this child. No respect or love for each other, this surely isn't what you have planned for your daughter. I watched a young mother go through school and her children went through many sitters, no stability in the home, no rules, alot of bad influences, this young women finished school and is now self supporting but her children are out of control. It is hard for them now to try to live a life with any sense of normalcy after growing up with so much chaos. It takes time to change bad habits. This mother is turning her life and the kids life around since she found Christ. (He is the BEST Counselor).

Answer 6

The dilemma here you made, you are not a child and I am sorry that you had to have a child that was the product of rape, but it wasn't that child's fault and your little drama isn't the child's fault either. As far as being in college with an 18 month old, girl, you have it made, there is a such thing as welfare and child support, yeah, the rapist should pay child support. Okay, you are in college, there are low or free childcare services offered to anyone wanting to continue their education and with a child. Stop being depressed, there are also low income and reduced rent apartments in every state, county and city, get it together, do your research and use the system while you can. There is nothing holding you back but your own inhibitions, loose them. Be a parent, be a grown up, raise your child and protect your child and make that child have a better life, because of your going on to be somebody. You can do it, forget the drama and all the other crap, it is about YOU and your Child. God Bless.

Answer 7

Hey ,you sound just like me.I'm a 23 year old with 3 sons and at one point I had one son and 8 siblings all of us living in one house.I signed up for public housing and 1 year and a half later , My son and I were out of my moms house , and i WAS IN SCHOOL PAYING 104. FOR MY RENT IN A VERY NICE APT!The best advice I can give you is to constantly pray and cut your classes a little. As a single parent we all wish we could go to school or work more or something but that's where the sacrifices comes in . In order for you to keep your sanity,you should consider cutting your classes and working and saving.Then maybe apply for some government housing. Let me just say being stressed all the time will make it very hard to succeed in life , you've first have to get rid of all the access stress in you guys life.Trust a young women who has been there.

Answer 8

First, I will praise you for keeping the baby. I don't know if I could do it. Second, you have to get out of there. Since your mom takes mist of your money you probably don't have alot of money to move out on your own. This doesn't sound like a place your baby's needs to be either. You should try your local Family support office. Sometimes they can help people in your situation, especially since you are a single mother and a student. If they cant help try some churches. If all else fails, try looking into your local Low Income Housing. I know its probably not what you want. But it would be a place of your own until you can save to get on your feet. Take care of yourself and the baby and GOOD LUCK in whatever you decide to do.

Answer 9

Okay first of all do not think i am judging you because im not. I am 18 have 2 kids and have never worked a day in my life..there for i have no room to judge but honey the only thing I can real see for you to do is get a job and move out. Now there are govt. assistance programs that you could use just until you get on your feet. Yes I know that welfare and food stamps tend to be embarrasing to get but heres the thing...if you love your daughter you will do it anyways. The environment you described is not good for her to be in. you may not want to cut down on classes because of your dream but guess what..sometimes dreams have to remain just that..dreams! No you did not make the choice to get pregnant but you did make the choice to keep the baby. Now it is your responsibility to do whatever you can to bring her up right. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh because I dont want it to. I hope you figure it out

Answer 10

Well I admire you for keeping your baby reguardless of how she was conceived. In my state there is so much out there for single moms and for a lazy single who just wants to mooch off the state I would not give this advice but you are clearly trying to make a better life for your child. Call the Dept of Health and Human services and see what they have to offer you. They will pay rent..foodstamps...wic...help with college tuition and daycare. Just call them make an appt, tell them your situation and see what they can do for you. At least you will be someone that is using the system for the reason why it was set up. Your mom is going to keep using you as long she sees she can. I would honestly tell them about your sister to and maybe they can suggest some programs for her to your mom.