I don't want to get married anymore,can someone please help me?

Question

I'm getting married in a month with my long time boyfriend ,Ken. We got in an argument today and he hit me. I have never seen him so agrresive in my life,and I'm afraid of him now. He said he was sorry,but I don't feel safe being near him anymore. I'm a strong woman and I don't want to suffer any violence. I totally don't want to marry this guy. What should I do?

Answer 1

Dear MJ,

I'm someone in the middle of a civil divorce, with an infant involved. I had to file because, as rare as this is, my spouse was abusive in our relationship. She would not get help; she faked counseling, and by the time it got out of hand, she wanted me out for good and was getting more and more verbally, emotionally and physically violent. She has still not dealt with any of her issues and in fact even abandoned me, taking our son with her. The reason why I'm telling you this is because I should have called it well before marriage, and perhaps we would have had our child without all the pain of such treatment, the cycles that attend it, and the sorrow of the dissolution that became necessary two years later.

As much as it pains me to say this, you do in fact need to find a way to get out. There may be no question that your partner does not wish to act as he did towards you that day, but he did do so and his actions speak for themselves. Every couple fights; not every couple gets violent.

Firstly, you should know that people who are usually putting up a front about relationships in order to secure one usually let their guard down ONLY AFTER ENGAGEMENT and then start acting like they truly would in a marriage. The trigger for this could be the impending marital situation itself, or it could be the relationship with that other person in particular. Either way, he should know himself by now that he is not ready for (or comfortable with) marriage, either in general or with you in particular. And you should know that too by now.

However, there are some things to consider about how to get out. You want to leave him as calmly and rationally as possible. It might help to put it in terms that leave the possibility open to re-establishing the relationship provided he gets serious, provable, psychological help for his anger issues. If you are not comfortable with this, make sure you have friends and family who know you are going to end it and thus are prepared to help you in whatever ways may be necessary to keep you safe.

But whatever you do, you should NEVER tell yourself that his anger and abuse doesn't exist, or that he'll just "grow out of it". That doesn't happen; I know that personally. There has to active acknowledgement of the problem, a determination to fix it by the one who has the problem and a firm/confident resolve not to be involved with the guilty party by the one being abused.

Please don't sell yourself short; think about what is best for the both of you. Surely it isn't the type of relationship that even has the potential for violence.

If you want to talk more about it, just respond back to this and I can give you ways to do so. But no matter what, tell others whom you trust - and tell them ASAP. I hope for all the best for you.

Answer 2

Whatever you do, you need to do it fast. I don't know what kind of situation you are in, what has happened in the past, what his temperament is. If this is something out of the blue, no history of violence, etc, When I say out of the blue, I mean this man goes to church, history of stability, good communication skills. Things like that. You owe it to yourself to know why he lost control. I would try to talk to him about it since we have been together (longer than three years) and he has never acted this way. I would let him know, that this WILL NOT happen again or else I will leave...no questions asked. But you must be strong enough to stand by your words. Look back at your relationship. Were there signs that he was the aggressive, abusive type? If so, you may want to push the wedding off just to give you some time to consider where this is going...as far as his personality evolving. You do need to do something about it though. Don't just let it go away. Try to find out now what type of man you could be with for the rest of your life. Keep your eyes open.

Answer 3

I was engaged when I was 24 and married when I was 26 Our wedding colors were a pale peach and chocolate brown We each had our brothers as witnesses (2 total), it was a very small wedding (14 people were there including us and our reverend) Our reception was held a month after our wedding, and we did not have assigned seating, most people didn't sit, it was a cocktail party We had a small chocolate cake and then a variety of desserts for people to choose, I think there were 5 different choices We went to Maui for two weeks We got married in Gleneden Beach, OR, a tiny town on the coast, just outside of Lincoln City

Answer 4

Okay and he should not put his hands on you. Cuz if you marry him still, you are giving him the right to hit you again. Thats abusive relationship, be glad he hit you before you married the mad man, and not before. Well its not a good thing, but i hope you get what i am saying. Just because he is sorry, that is not enough. You must leave, because no woman deserves to get hit, no matter what the situation is. And you should never provoke a man to hit you, meaning, dont him or get up all in his face. Also, theres a song that deals with something like this.
Keke Wyatt- Put your hands on me
Listen to it, it may help you a little bit.

Answer 5

Be sensible & thank god that he didn't manage to hide this behaviour until after you were married.
You need to either end this or confront him and ask him to attend councilling & anger management if he loves you and wan'ts a good marrige he will accept this offer.
This is a little glimpse at the man that will emerge later in married life.
So what if you have spent a fortune on the wedding dont be worried about letting people down if you decide not to go through with it.
You ultimatly will be the one living, as this mans wife behind closed doors not your wedding guests do whats right for you.
Life is a journey & we pick our own path and destiny. Find true happiness you deserve it we have one chance at life make it happy and fullfilling.

Answer 6

If he hurt you physically, and maybe he feels like he has a right over you (the wedding so close). I think you should follow your instincts and not get married. Marriage represents commitment, respect, love, and positive things. You should tell your family and friends that you need their support and they will help you get through this. I have seen violence in a marriage, and in the long run it just escalates. Remember this is your life, you know whats best for you.

Answer 7

Honey, this guy is dangerous, you should call off the wedding, but I've heard stories of men stalking....honey, I'm scared for you. How big was the matter that you guys were fighting about? Was it small, then he is dangerous. If it was a big and serious matter, then its a little normal for him to over react if you were being stubborn. Maybe you should talk to someone. DO NOT LET HIM HIT YOU! If you still ♥ him, keep him, if you think he should go to ↓ then drop him like a hot potato

Answer 8

Do not marry this man. You'll regret it the rest of your life if you do. He is abusive. And the abuse will probably get worse after you are married. Don't worry about what other people may think. You don't owe anyone an explanation. If you've received wedding girts at this point, return them. Cancel any preparations you had for your wedding.
Consider yourself lucky. Some women don't know their man is abusive until after they're married or they have children together.

Answer 9

You lucked out. You get a gift most women that are in an abusive relationship can only wish they had: A CHANCE TO STOP IT BEFORE IT STARTS.

Walk away. It's not going to get magically better. You can't change somebody like that, and don't try.

Accept the gift. Go. Now.

Answer 10

Call off the wedding. I've been through 4 divorces and they aren't fun, at all. Getting out now is a lot smarter and safer and cheaper. If he hit you once you can be absolutely certain he will do it again, more and harder, no matter what he says.