Raped...and it's my fault?

Question

Hi. I'm now a 16 ( almost 17 year old ) junior in high school. In my freshman year when I was 14 I was "date" raped. My "boyfriend" who was several years older than me ( 18 almost 19 to be exact ) drugged me and took my virginity. All my freshman year I had lied and snuck around to date him because my aunt who I lived with wouldn't let me date till I was older (16). The other day my aunt and I got into an argument because I kissed a boy she doesn't like and I lied about it, and she told me "Haven't you learned what happened two years ago?", and also "Look what lieing got you before." She's basically blaming my rape on ME. Even though I did lie I've tried to deal with it by telling myself it wasn't my fault. It hurts me SOO bad when she says stuff like this. I mean am I in the right that no blame should rest on me? How can I make her understand it wasn't my fault? She's a college educated teacher . She's had pyschology classes so I figured she'd be able to understand at least a little.

Umm. Let me clarify this...He DRUGGED me. I wasn't and never have willingly been under the influence of drugs,

Answer 1

I am so sorry that you were raped. I am also a rape victim and I understand how you feel. And I think that it is very sad that your Aunt is making comments like that. As rape victims we place blame on ourselves anyway, we question all the things that lead up to it, and question what we could have done differently. And we put so much blame on ourselves......however it is very important that you know that it WAS NOT YOU!! Yes you were dating someone older and yes you were sneaking around but you did not ask to be raped. And you have to remember that no one ask to be put in that circumstance.

On that note, maybe your Aunt is just worried about you, sometimes we don't know what to say, so things come out the wrong way. Please do not think that I am defending what she said, however maybe it is just her way of trying to tell you to be careful!! You should just tell her how you fell about what she said and that it really hurt you. Be honest with her.

Good Luck and if you ever need to talk just email me

Answer 2

Rape is a very serious issue. Even though you didn't know he would do this to you and it is not your fault of the rape. You need to take blame for sneaking around with a boy much older than you. You wasn't mature enough at the time to make a sound judgment. Yes , what your aunt says may hurt, but don't take it in that light. And no you do no have control over other people, their thoughts, and ideals. But, in the future try to listen to your aunt. Sounds to me that she only has your best interest at heart. And in a situation like this it is not all the time about who is right or wrong. But the well being of the other.

Answer 3

You maybe looking at your aunt's words different than what she is saying. When she said: "haven't you learned from what happened two years ago." It's not that she blames you for the rape, what she is saying is she is concerned over this guy you kissed as she doesn't want you to be in a situation that you have no control over.

When she said: "look at what lying got you before" ... well your aunt warned you and tried to protect you when you were 14 as she didn't want you to date this 18 year old guy. You didn't listen and went out with him. All along your aunt was thinking you are somewhere else. Your aunt couldn't protect you from this 18 year old NOR could you protect yourself.

All your aunt want to do is protect you so you are not taken advantage of again.

The hardest thing for a parent or aunt to do once a child lies to you, it is very, very hard to gain back that child's trust. Although we never stop loving a child BUT we certainly look hard and deep to see if we are being lied too!

Hopefully your aunt had the guy charged with date rape and is now behind bars.

Answer 4

It is not your fault, the rape, but what is your fault was sneaking out, I am not taking her side and saying it is your fault for the rape. But sneaking out and lying about it left her unable to guide you through a time you needed her. She knew you was not old enough to recognize a bad situation so she stopped you from dating. I bet when the time came and she said you could start dating she would have gave you some tips about it. This day and time has changed so much from when I was a kid, you just have to be careful. You get your own drinks, don't let anyone get it for you. If you are at a club, or just out and you have to get up and leave the table when you get back tell the waiter your drink is flat and get another one. It just takes a few seconds for someone to put something in your drink.Your Aunt could be a little nicer about this but she did have your best interest at heart. I hope I was some help, Good luck.

Answer 5

Sounds to me that your Aunt is only concerned about you. Doesn't sound to me that she's blaming you for getting raped, I believe her comment was based on the fact that you lied about having a boyfriend and that lie cost you in the long run. Your Aunt sounds as if she's wants you to be honest with her so if you are dating, she can talk with you and tell you what to expect from certain boys. See the boyfriend that raped you, was way to old for you to be dating in the first place. All he truly wanted was to get between your legs, you willing or not. Unfortunately, he took your virginity unwillingly. Your Aunt does not want that to happen to you again. There are too many untreatable diseases out there. There are too many crazy boys out there. Your Aunt has every right to be protective over you and you should understand that your best interest is what she's looking out for. Right now, you may not understand this because you are too young to know how it feels for a parent/guardian that loves their child to be defenseless against lies...

I pray that you have gotten counseling from the rape and understand that it was not your fault. Your too old boyfriend took something away from you that you did not give to him. Therefore he stole a precious gift from you.

Allow your Aunt into your life. Share with her your feelings. Your Aunt may have a lot of advise that you may need to hear that will benefit you in the long run.

God bless and take care of yourself....

Answer 6

First of all...RAPE IS NOT YOUR FAULT.Women always blame themselves...but it's not your fault. She basically THINKS that if you would have told her about you and him that wouldnt have happened to you...WRONG. Woulda,coulda...what if...if this..if that...NOTHING COULD HAVE STOPPED THAT.Even if she tried to stop you, you could have still snuck around behind her back RIGHT? Your aunt dosent seem to understand. Sometimes thats a fact of the world, people just dont understand sometimes.You need to tell her that by her telling you that ONLY MAKES IT WORST.It's verbal abuse. She dosen't have to like the boy, YOU DO.Be careful and be cautious.The thing u are doing right is moving on...some women cant even touch a man with feeling wrong and scared....or like they are going to get raped. So you're doing ok sweety....you moved on and know not all men will do that. Follow your heart, be careful...dont take things too quick...YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR BOYS...stay focused on your studies and your life. Your Aunt just wants the best for you, even though she may not understand what you're going through. Good luck sweety!

Answer 7

Well let's be fair.What the boy did to you was ALL his fault on HIS end.YET, if you had obeyed your aunt you would not have been raped at the age of 14.Your aunt KNOWS what she is doing and talking about.She knows people better than you do.I don t care if you do go to school with this guy.Theres a good reason she doesn't like him that you aren't able and/or willing to see. What happened to you at 14 was partly your fault because you thought you knew it all and outdid your aunt who loves you and is responsible for you.If I were her, I would have begun homeschooling you and you wouldn't have seen the light of day until you were 18 because you do NOT make good decisions for yourself.Again, what the boy did to you was horrible and inexcusable and he should be in prison for the next 70 yrs no parole.You on the other hand learned a painful lesson by ignoring your aunt and going to a party where there was drugs and alcohol.Start trying to see things from HER point of view even if her answer is NOT what you want.One last thing.Lets say I know theres a gang of wolves in the woods and I've been told not to go out there alone.Lest say I strip naked and go out there smeared with bacon grease all over and get eaten by wolves.Whose fault is it then? Your aunt saw the dangers for you that you blatantly ignored and I' d be willing to bet she sees the guy you kissed for what he REALLY is instead of as you want her to see him.She is looking through the eyes of reality and you are looking through the eyes of lust and fantasy hon.Thats the difference between you and her.Maturity.Remember, she loves you, the guy who raped you didn't he just told you what you wanted to hear because he knew you had the hots for him.

Answer 8

She isn't blaming you for getting raped, she is trying to show you that you put yourself in a bad position by lying and sneaking around. Clearly she was right in that idea, you were too young to date that guy and had you done what you should have, things might have been different. You are not a fault for getting raped, that guy is completely to blame. However you made bad choices and don't seem to have learned from them. You are still putting yourself in bad positions and haven't learned from the past.

She is trying to keep you out of harms way, and all you can do it think she is punishing you. Until you learn the difference you will always have problems with her.

Answer 9

I don't think you're to "blame" for being raped. I don't think that your aunt is saying that either. You DID make a very serious set of judgment errors that allowed the bad guy to have his chance to commit his crime.

You lied and sneaked around and you were playing with fire by "dating" a nineteen year-old guy when you were twelve.

Your aunt could have prevented your victimization by this creep, but your lies prevented her from doing her job.

Like it or not, your actions have consequences. The consequences of your lies led to your rape. It led also to your aunt's having to live forever with the fact that she failed to protect you. She feels enormous guilt over that and does not know how to deal with that.

Answer 10

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