just wondering if other sexual abuse survivors have this problem with guilt and decision making?

Question

I am now 42 but I am always afraid to make a decision because something bad will happen if I make the wrong one. Also if someone asks me to do something, even if I do not want to, I do, because I think something bad will happen if I do not. I know why but I am seeking advise on how to change it. I was molested by an uncle from age 4 to 12 and how he manipulated me was with animals. Ex: if I did not do what he would say he would torture or kill something I loved, and he would tell me it was my fault. Because of my decision something was hurt...imagine the guilt I felt for the animal. It really still affects me today in everyday matters and ppl get upset with me, because I cannot make a decision even on the littlest issue. Ex: yesterday my b/f asked me to go get something at a store, I really did not feel like going, but I went because I feel that if I do not do what is asked of me something terrible will happen.

Answer 1

Thanks for being brave and posting your question up here.

Id like to say what I beleive this problem is : procrastination.

You fear making decisions and put them off because you predict that the worst will happen and that you are to blame for this.

Even though these things happened as a child, you are *now* an adult. This uncle manipulated your guilt. If he decided to hurt animals that was *HIS* problem. You cannot and could not control his feelings, or the way he wanted to (badly) behave . Likewise, others cannot control your feelings, unless you LET them as an adult. Sure, people can influence us into us upsetting ourselves through saying or doing undesirable things, but it is us who has to BELIVE and AGREE with what they are saying.

So, you procrastinate and *assume* that the worst will happen, and that if it does, it is your fault. You fail to see that this assumption is only an assumption based on little evidence. You fail to see that is quite unlikely that the worst will happen. And exactly what is the worst that can happen? You may also undermine your capabilities to handle the "worst".

Because you want 100% no-fail success rat in order to prove yourself right, you do not take any risks and therefore any chances of winning or losing.

But you also say if bad things happen, and they are anyhting to do with me, then "I am a Special Sh*t" "I am worthless". It is this non-self accepting attitude that is weakening your confidence and self-empowerment. Accept yourself fully and unconditionally when things go right and wrong. A good act cannot make a good person, just as a bad act cannot make a bad person.

And does punishment for bad acts actually get people ANYWHERE? surely if it did, you would have learnt from this "lesson" by now?

If you want to stop procrastinating now, take small steps into doing what you want to do. ACCEPT yourself fully when these things go great or go wrong. When they go right, you are a fallible human being with strengths and weaknesses. When they go wrong, you are a fallible human being with strengths and weaknesses. We can learn from mistakes etc and move forward, copying how others around us complete and become good at things, and grow stronger as we venture down new avenues and learn things.


I hope these few words help, and I wish you all the best in your health and happiness xxx

Answer 2

I can understand why making a decision would be stressful to you. The consequences of making a decision in your childhood was very traumatic. You shouldn't feel guilty about the harm caused by your uncle though. He was the adult in the situation and he did that to manipulate you. You did what you could to survive it. It is sad an animal had to be hurt in the process, but it's not something you should take responsibility for. You were a child and he was an adult. He knew better.

As far as decision making now, as an adult. The best advice I would have for you, is to see a Psychiatrist about your problems. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about decision making. A doctor can prescribe you medication to ease those anxiety symptoms.

Therapy can help also. There are things a therapist can help you practice, to help you build confidence in making good decisions for yourself.

Much luck to you.

Answer 3

I was sexually abused as a child - I am now nearing 50. The best thing that I ever did in my entire life was to finally pick up the phone and call the number that was for woman who were sexually abused as children. It was a group of 6 other woman in the same boat as me - We had the most wonderful group leader. I can honestly say that I have overcome most of the repercussions from my childhood and feel like a mentally healthy adult now. I was in the group for 7 years and made 2 close friends that I'm sure will be lifetime friends. We "grew up" together and dealt with our issues. I thank God that I did all that or I wouldn't be who I am today. Happy! Please seek help - it is better than going through life feeling like you are. If we could do it (and some of us had a lot of side effects) then anyone can if they truly want to have a healthy happy life. I wish you the best of luck and will pray for you.

Answer 4

Hey the only person who should carry guilt are the abusers and in this case your parents, you weren't born into this world to be abused or murdered and you should feel proud you survived it, definately not guilty. No child nor adult deserves to live in fear of others! Stories come and go about every crime imaginable and it make us realise that human life can be awful and also can remind us we are not alone in our suffering too. One thing that you have to remember is that these children who have been unable to survive for various reasons never left the world invisable because they still touched peoples lives away from the abuser- friends, family, even strangers etc. You are not invisable either, your life affects so many others that you wouldnt be aware off. I think you need to seek some counselling for your past experiences which are affecting your self worth and possibily many other factors, this may help you come to terms with the past and move on and feel better. Best of luck x

Answer 5

I know this might be hard for you to accept, but I will try anyway...Your uncle, was a vehicle of satan the devil,...with his evil he perpertrated on you...you must not blame yourself, for this evil..you were a victim, and you still are...About the only true way to get over this, is to ask God through Jesus, to forgive this person..and love your enemies...believe it or not, and I talk from experience,...the Lord will take this grief from your heart, and He will bear the burden for you...Let the Lord punish as He so chooses,...for it is much harder to forgive someone so evil, than it is to just love our friends and family. This was NOT your fault, never was, never will be. You did NOT cause this person to abuse animals...you just happened to be the innocent he could take out his aggression on. Who knows what caused this evil in this person? But the hard part is to forgive them..so you can go on with your life...You might be amazed, how much freedom and love you will start to feel, when you know that in your heart, you did the right thing to forgive this person of this heinous crime...My prayers are so much with you sweetie, if you need to email me, please do so. God Bless and keep you and give you freedom from this, through Jesus xxxxx

Answer 6

Yes I do, and it was more than 40 years ago, and I am sorry I don't know how to fix it. I hope someone can be more help than I.

Answer 7

Have you tried talking to a psychiatrist? An SSRI might help, but it has to be prescribed. Oh, and the answer to your question is yes, but I don't want to go into details.