What do you do when you child is in a marriage that is unhealthy for her?

Question

My child is 20yrs. of age and is married and I'm not liking this guye that she is with and he hits on her and they do have a baby, and tonight I almost went to jail for defending her and her little brother and sister but the police took him instead. ai still want to be there for my child but there is a part of me that just wants to cut her off. What do I do as a parent?

Answer 1

You cannot cut her off EVER. A "fix your own problem" strategy is what friends do. You're her MOTHER. If she feels there is no way out you are simply placing her at increased risk of being verbally abused, injured or even killed. I need you to think about that for a moment. Yes, it can end up that way. If she's being beaten then break down the ties that bind. She's with him for either: Money, Companionship, Commitment, Sex, Drugs, Low Self-Esteem.

Prepare financial support or locate resources so they are there when she comes asking. If you have to pull in outside resources look for local battered women groups to help out or pursue church groups. If your past has ever been rocky or she'd feel like a failure to come home to you, have SOME alternative.
Shift her focus when she talks about the good times with... "and then what happened?" Lead it up to the abuse and the bad times. Emphasize that physical injury is NOT love. It's CONTROL.
Push her commitment towards herself. If she says she needs to stay with him for the child ask what she'd do if he started hitting the child later? Just stand by? By not doing seperating from him now she's saying it's ok to hit. She needs to get herself in a better situation for the sake of the baby. Eventually, you need to work her towards a permanent commitment, but that doesn't start now. No absolutes, just get her the heck out of that relationship. When she's over the shellshock she'll have a clearer head to hear you.
Sex or Drugs are powerful draws that will keep disfunctional people together longer than needed. If that's the draw she may need even more help.
Low Self-Esteem/Self-Worth is common among abused spouses. The abuser gains control at the expense of the others free will. They put the victim on a roller coaster of buildup, explosion and then "oh baby...I'm sorry". It's not that uncommon from the experiences of hostages who begin to speak fondly of their captors. She'd eventually end up so mentally exhausted she won't consider leaving at all. Build her up on the good things OUTSIDE of him whenever possible.
Legally you need to check your local jurisdiction and find where to file for a restraining order. Normally, it will be with your local DA's office. Have the number handy so if the clown keeps acting out you can take her there. You'll need something the police can work with if you have to call them and they're always happy to go after a wife-beater when they have paper to prove it. If she will not swear out the affidavit and he's threatened you consider having it put in place for your protection. Though, this may cause problems for you visiting the home if she stays with him...so be warned.
Set up a safe place always open to her with all the resources needed for the child. Offer to babysit the child if you can a little more frequently and pull family members in to help if you have too. Having the child out of an abusive home may make it easier for her to leave and gravitate to the safe house.
Most importantly, what I'm telling you is not based on personal experience. I've been on the periphery of these events. There are no guarantees with an abusive male. You need to really get together with people in your local community who can assist you more immediately when needed. Perhaps some of the following may help:

http://www.snbw.org/

Battered Women's Syndrome
http://www.divorcenet.com/states/oregon/or_art02

Try out any listings you can find in your local area for Battered Women as soon as possible. The sooner she can be extricated the easier it will be.

Answer 2

She needs to go to Social services and apply for housing and daycare subsidies, Wic, and state sponsored insurance. She needs to go to the Courthouse to Family Court and get the paperwork for custody and child support. She needs to file a restraining order. You do not need a lawyer to file for custody or child support. Just fill out the paperwork honestly and return it, and ask for a copy. You do not have to be divorced or separated, either.

None of this will happen unless your girl decides she wants an end to the drama. When she does, have information for her. Help her do the running around. Help her get things in place that make her an independent, responsible parent.

She can take advantage of subsidized daycare and go to work. Right now, she just needs an income, and to stay as close to you as she can. No wandering into different townships here. Just establish a work history, and an income.

She has to want this. Have honest conversation with her, let her know you ready when she's ready, and extract you and the other kids from the situation until then. The ball is in her court.

Answer 3

Oh my heart just aches for you! I'm in the same situation with my stepdaughter. I understand the temptation to just cut her off, but don't! You just have to ride out all the ugly situations until she can figure out ON HER OWN that she's in a bad place. All you can do is tell her you're her soft place to fall. Don't criticise, just be there. You could suggest to her that you will help her make a plan to escape when she finally decides to leave, you can give her the 1-800 number of the national Domestic Abuse Hotline (or find other hotline numbers in your area). But the most important part of all this is that you have to aceept that she won't leave her abusive situation until she's finally had enough. I know it's hard, as I said, I'm going through it myself, but all you can do is all you can do. If you want to talk you can email me [e-mail]

Answer 4

The best thing is to stand by her, when she is needs you there. I was in a very similar relationship many years ago. I did not see the light for 10 very long years. My parents were always there when I needed to talk things out. They were there when it was really bad. They did not inter fir for they new I would not listen. Your Daughter and Grandchild will need you once she realizes what a horrible person he is and needs to get away. She has to make that decision. Then stand tall and be there for her. She will have more respect for you than if you try to make things better now.

Answer 5

Thats a toughie.....my daughter got into drugs and was not the beautiful girl I raised....the reason she got involved with drugs was because of the guy she got involved with. I couldnt reason with her....she had lost her sense of what was right. She was gone. She was totally consumed by this guy and the drugs and there was nothing I could do. Her lifestyle was affecting her sister and brother and everytime her boyfriend came over it was absolutely chaotic. She would lie and I think steal, and like I said, I couldnt do anything because she just wouldnt listen. I eventually had to ask her to leave because she was totally out of control.....we had a huge argument because she couldnt see my point of view. She ended up dumping this guy and got off the drugs....but all the time she was involved with him and the drugs I couldnt get through to her. Sometimes you have to take the tough line and as much as you love your daughter you have other children who need to be protected. Its a really tough call, but if she is anything like my daughter, then she is not listening to anything you are saying....she is not thinking logically and whilever you cant get through to her then you are wasting your breath. Maybe you have to pull her aside and tell her how much you love her but her relationship with this guy is causing havoc within the whole family and whilever she continues to be with him, while she is welcome in your house, he is not. You have to be firm.....tell her you are not abandoning her, but she is old enough to accept that what she is doing is wrong and when she comes to her senses then you will be prepared to talk with her sensibly. Like I said, tell her she is welcome any time she likes....but he has to stay away.......Then, she will have to make a choice....and if she chooses to stay away then you cannot be blamed. She has got to learn to grow up and there is only a certain amount any of us can do. Its a terrible situation you are in.....I really feel for you. As hard as it is there comes a time where you have to make her be responsible for her own behaviour.....but always tell her that you will always be there for her if she needs you.....never take that away from her. If she chooses to stay away then ring her occasionally and just tell her you love her....let her know that you will always be her mother...you just cannot accept this kind of behaviour anymore. I would also go as far as to tell her that whilever she continues to be with this man then you may have to take legal steps to take the baby away from them because the baby is in danger. You have to protect your innocent grandchild too, so maybe you taking that line with her will make her start to see what a horrible situation she is placing herself and her child in.

Take care and good luck....you are going to need it.

Answer 6

try to get her into counseling and they maybe able to help her some ppl just dont get it untill they go to counseling . I am scared for the baby . You should tell her that if she does not go to counseling you will take her to court and sue for custody of the baby and maybe that will make her think twice before she stays with this bum . good luck and I hope I helped.

Answer 7

offer her away out, maybe shes scared of how she will make it without him, offer to let her stay with you or seek her help Thur reach, the beatings will only get worse try and help her see that shes needs to get out, do whatever it takes women die every day from domestic violence, alot of the time the guy dosen,t even realize hes went to far until hes killed his partner, please don,t give up on her even though she might not admit it she needs you!

Answer 8

You have to always be there for her until she sees the light too. try to get her to talk to some one. preacher , anybody to help her. just don't give up!