Advice needed....What to do when mother chooses fiance over children?

Question

I went to talk to my mother about the way her fiance' treats me/siblings. He doesnt want anyone watching the t.v. or on the computer when he isn't home.I told her when we are watching t.v. he would come in and just turn the channel or if I am on the phone he would take the cord out and put it in the line for the internet .She started arguing with me telling me in order for you to have a opinion about anything he does in his house you have to pay bills. I was telling her he is very rude and all this does it just causes tension in the house. She was like it is very rude for him to come in and turn the t.v. but this is his house its not right and if you dont like the way things going then get the F*** out. I was like I am home just for the summer and everyone is stressed out. We feel like we arre isolated. I told her they have been together for 9 years and I can't remember him ever buying anything for any of us on our birthday or the last time my mother taken us on a vacation as a family (which we have never been on), even though they have been to Florida, Paris (twice), Atlanta just to name a few places and we are at home doing nothing. I told her we never sit down and talked about we feel about anything it's not like we are included and I was trying to tell her what is bothering us. She got totally offended when all I did was talk to her. All she does is talk about the things from my past that I have done growing up and it hurts me when she brings up all those things and then I start telling her why does she always have to bring things up from the past and also she is quick to tell me what problems she think I have and I told her what are the problems that she have and its quick to judge others. I told her for everything he does she have an excuse for him. Its tearing my family apart and ever since he have been in the picture we have not been a family. I love my mother and I want her to be happy but how can I want whats best for her when she doesn't care what it is thats keeping us from being happy. I am totally confused and wished I had some type of support. Any advice?

Answer 1

Your mom may be confused to.
Parents dont tell there kids everything, like vice versa.
be concerned, But let her be happy, Remember shes your mom, shes doing what SHE wants to do, Maybe she needs love from this man,
Im sure , she is not trying to hurt you. we all live & learn, love her & except her, Like she is for you.

Answer 2

This is very difficult, but it isn't uncommon. I don't know your ages, but you seem like a very intelligent person, trying your best to work things out. Excellent job.

Your mother on the other hand seems desperate. She probably finally got the opportunity to have a man again and now this jerk wants the control. If he's being that disrespectful and threatening no computer, changing channels on the TV and pulling plugs on your phone! The guy is an a$$hole! No question about that.

He probably also has control of your mother. Threatening that you have to live with this, because your not paying any bills is just her excuse. She knows what he's doing is wrong, but she doesn't have a leg to stand on. She wants to keep that idiot in her life and she doesn't want any interruptions. It's really sad, but she's gonna learn the hard way. I can tell you, even before she gets married, that's she will eventually get a divorce.

If this was happening to me, I would write to my mother and say, "it's really sad that you would take this guy over us and let him disrespect us like he does. If he's disrespecting your children, then he is also disrespecting you. We are a huge part of your life and your showing us that you just don't care anymore, Well, it certainly will affect you in the future when you need us someday (and you will) because then it will be too late and we won't care about you anymore. Don't forget, you get out of this world, what you put into it".

I wish you all the luck. God Bless

Answer 3

Well, not everyone has a good Mom. Yours sounds very selfish. I believe that a Mother should always choose her children first. When the children are grown and on their own, then she can choose this guy. I know the type that makes excuses for the man. It is sad but you just didn't get a very good Mother. You should just make the best of it knowing that when you grow up not to choose a controlling man like she did. The reason she is acting this way is because she is afraid to stand up to him for fear he will leave her. Why don't you show her the answers you get here and see what she says. Maybe she doesn't know. Good luck, Sweetie.

Answer 4

You wrote something very interesting. You said that it is his house, not your mother's house. If it is his house, then he gets to set the rules. Besides your Mom being in love with him, is she dependent on him financially to. If so, a lot of women in that position are afraid to rock the boat and make a fuss.

As for vacations, I know a lot of people that don't take their kids on vacations. Personally, I never left mine at home, but I think it is a personal preference because parents need alone time to.

I think you are talking to to wrong person. Have you tried to talk to him and see what it is that you are doing or not doing that is annoying to him. And, have you asked him to at least let you finish your program before he changes the channel.

I'm not saying you are all wrong. All I'm saying is maybe you need to talk as a family (including him since your Mom is living there) and see what can be done to make things smoother.

Answer 5

Next time your mom's fiance changes the channel or pulls out the phone cord, turn around and explain that what he's doing is wrong, and you're almost done. Say that when you're finished, he is more than welcome to the tv, internet, etc., but you were using it first and if it's urgent, he should have the decency to ask first. If this doesn't work, try having another talk with your mom, and make sure your siblings are on your side. If your mom understands how much her fiance's behavior is hurting the entire family, she may ask him to treat you differently, or agree to move out of his house.

Answer 6

You do have the proper to Feel disenchanted....however she is a long-lasting determine in his existence. I would not advocate outright giving the cash over except he's good off and steady. But if this can be a pinch to supply this variety of cash, then if there's no method speakme him out of it........make it a LOAN. Get it in writing with a payback plan. He would possibly think the must no longer such a lot support her, however to ensure that his youngster might be very well. Having a vehicle is a kind of matters we are not able to avert no longer having. She is utilizing him...that's indisputable. She has no proper to invite him for the cash. But he does have each proper to supply it to her. If he is a wise guy, he's going to make it a mortgage. Or else he leaves himself open to be regarded a "Hard occasions financial institution" at her disposal.

Answer 7

I'm sorry for all of that, you must turn to God, Jesus. You have to realise you cannot change her, only God can. You cannot live for her approval either. Try to find your own happiness, many kids don't go on vacations, many kids are very unhappy w/ their families, but you must try to find happy friends. A lot of moms are self-centered. Keep busy doing your own thing. Go to church on your own, have a plan for your life, when you can work, when you can move out--you will have to just love her for herself, and not expect much in return. Lower your expectations of all people, it will save you pain & you will survive--don't let them destroy your inner joy. My friend's mother was so unloving she din't even pick up her daughter from the hospital after surgery, she had to take a bus home. [and her mom went on vacation!] She would beat her too, but my friend grew up alright, she's always smiling because she made up her mind to be happy in life., regardless of her circumstances.

Answer 8

if your old enough ,get a job that will get you some time out of the home situation,buy a cell phone pre-pay [no contracts] ,this way your not tieing up "his " phone,buy a tv for your room,start buying things you will need for your own place,a car etc. take your mind off what moms doing or not doing you have your life to plan ,or you can sit there and be a bump on a log and not plan for your future ,sounds like your old enough to make some choices except your in same boat as mom you depend on his income/roof/food etc.only you can make your self happy no one can do it for you ,your gonna have to grow up and fast ,hey wheres grandma/dad,other family that may have the answer you seek...

Answer 9

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you...it seems like talking to your mom has reached a dead end. You could try telling her fiance' (calmly) that you're happy that he makes your mom happy, but that you'd like to work something out with him where there can be mutual respect.

If you're not able to do this because of the situation, try writing a letter to him. If that doesn't work, I'm sorry to say that my advice would be to move out. It's really hard, but staying in that house will just end up hurting you more.

You could also try going to a family counselor and asking his/her advice - they have so much experience dealing with issues like this. You can usually find them in the phone book.

Good luck...

Answer 10

If you are in school go have some counseling sessions with your counselor.
He sounds like a control freak and your mom sounds like she is a little selfish and perhaps prone to abusive people.
Im suprised you aint use to this yet. nine years is a long time. even for her. she has been molded to this relationship. Yes, it is wrong she aint stepn up for you kids but this happens when women are prone to abuse or controling guys. sometimes it is old fashion. sometimes it is fear. sometimes it is settleing for less. sometimes it is having kids to young and losing moms self into this guy to make up for loss time before kids.

Maybe you may want to suggest to her some family thereapy because you are hurting and you want to comunicate with her and you do not know how to so can you all go as a family without him at first then include him toward the end of the sessions. This worked for me and my kids. I was kind of like your mom, but not that long.MY gosh, it killed me to be with someone like that and to see the saddness in my kids eyes. Plus the tension alone was disturbing. GOing to sessions, which usually are 12 or so, helped and so did some parenting classes and self esteem classes for me. My guy that was or is like your moms guy is the same, but we no longer live together. He sees his kids and yes sometimes i wish we could all be a brady bunch family but threw all these classes i learned to accept things the way they are and stop living a fantasy as nothing is wrong with the way we were living. GOod luck. It takes alot for a selfish mom to make a u turn. especially if she has been with this dude so long but it is worth a shot. You are her precious kid. I will believe for you that you will get some closer with this situation someday.

Know this,. she may not give you what you are lookng for immediatly. This is why you need to seek some outside support for you. Counseling. This will be so helpful because there is not stronger pain then getting rejected by your mom especially for some jerk off dude. I know. I felt this pain from my mom. It took me about 17 years of my adult hood to seek help to heal from the anger that was caused from the pain and my mom not wanting to change her ways. I can only control my life and what i allow to affect it and the degree i allow it to affect me. That is why i am telling you seek help. it is a great source of support. You willneed it. especially if mom doesnt work with you. You sound hurt. Just remember you are special. be the one to break this cycle by loving yourself even if you dont feel mom is. good luck. :)

Answer 11

Your mother is blinded or scared to leave him.. people change and people can make you change.. i think shes just blinded.. if she normally wouldn't act that way.. mabye she's just accepted this is how things are and she can't change them in her mind so it frustrates her when you ask her so she HAS to bring up the past to make herself feel better about the situation like.. well at least you got to do this or that then.. ya know? She has to get out of this funk..if not well she'll lose you and you should just tell her that.. not make it a him or me thing though..