I live with my boyfriend and we've been together for 1 year. I've known him for fifteen years. He acts really distant. He only calls now when he needs something. He's been having work problems. He told me 2 weeks ago he isn't happy with me. He said he wants us to stay together to try and work it out. When I call him now-which isn't that often - he acts cold and distant. H e doesn't say I love you much anymore. I've been very sweet to him and I don't nag him. He said there's not someone else. He still stays around the house at night , he doesn't disappear. He only wants to have sex once a week now. Please help because I moved to another state for him (because we were best friends) and I need to know what to do so I can move on if need be. I'm very confused. Thanks.:)
2007-05-12 07:38:44 · 17 answers · asked by butterflies1992 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
thanks for all the advice. I appreciate all of it . :) Another thing, when I walked to him, I gave him the perfect opportunity to split up with me and I told him I would leave him alone. He said he wanted to stay together. That's why I'm confused.
2007-05-12 07:57:16 · update #1
He said he's still in love with me .
2007-05-12 08:15:54 · update #2
He isn't happy with you yet he wants to stay together to work it out?
1. How does he propose to "work it out?" What is he suggesting?
2. Are you getting what YOU need from him? He may not be abusive, but he's putting distance between you and that's not going to bring you back together.
3. What specifically is he unhappy about where you're concerned?
He can't continue to be distant and you can't continue to be cheerful unless both of you understand what the issue is. You can't move forward if you don't know where you're supposed to end up. It's not ok for him to drop this bombshell on you and expect you to just deal with it until he figures out what he's going to do. Sit with him and ask him to be more specific. There may be things you don't have any control over; you might find his concerns unrealistic and decide to pass on him and the relationship. One thing is certain...you can't be in it by yourself. If he doesn't care enough to be honest with you and work it out, then you need to move on.
2007-05-12 07:56:27 · answer #1 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You typed a full page description of him being "cold and distant", and the only additional qualifcations you needed for that page were "he's not seeing somebody else", and he has stress from work.
There was one intriguing detail, however. You say he says he's not happy with you? Why is that? What is he not "happy" with?
You have to find out what is going wrong without being threatening about it (threats lead to more defensiveness, and it sounds like the walls are already up for whatever reasons).
I have made the mistake of doing what you describe in previous relationships, and what I was most unhappy about at the time was that I didn't really feel safe or feel like my partner and I shared the same idea of a life together... one that could be MORE committed.
Somewhere in the first 6-12 months, one or both partners begin to ask where the relationship is going if they haven't done that already. In the end, even if you aren't going to get married and have kids, if the other person isn't acting like somebody you'd want raising your imaginary kids (not that you will imagine them... but try imagining that scenario, and then see what happens), then it's the beginning of an unsettling.
Since he is shutting down, he doesn't sound like the controlling type, and that makes me want to ask you, are you the controlling type? If you've disrespected him, etc then he's probably struggling with feelings like that, for example. Something is wrong, sure. But pushing, throwing a tantrum, and leveling demands are all counter-productive.
Men (and women) need to feel respected and supported and like you really care about them (and it's actions, not words that are key here) to feel safe and remain open.
2007-05-12 07:45:19 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like the relationship is getting too comfortable. Ask him why he is not happy and see if you two can work together to fix it. Relationships take a lot of work. Give and take. Give mostly. Sex is not what makes you two a unit. Communication and honesty. Granted sex is the best part but look further into your relationship. Express your concerns and remind him of what you had to do to make you two what you are now without making it sound like you are pointing your finger. Give him time and space and if it is to work he will come around and if not keep living your life and make a life for you where you are. Good luck.
2007-05-12 07:47:54 · answer #3 · answered by Sweet Momma 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask him what's wrong. Maybe he doesn't love you anymore, but like he said, is trying to make things work. You have to decide whether you can try longer or you want to leave him.
I'd say give him a few more weeks to figure out what he wans to do and how he feels about you. He can't hold you down if the relationship isn't going anywhere.
2007-05-12 08:13:06 · answer #4 · answered by wizball 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you should have just remained friends. A relationship will never work if one of the two aren't happy. If you live together, why do you have to call him, and why is he calling you only when he needs something. Living together provides the opportunity to talk face-to-face. Sometimes that is the best way to work out your problems.If he is that stressed out because of work, and not happy with you, then evidently he's not happy with himself. The love on his part is definetly fading away. If I were you i would be preparing to move on.......
2007-05-12 07:46:47 · answer #5 · answered by ms.redd 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Guys don't express their feelings like we do, so if he says he's having problems at work, and you don't "feel" like he's cheating, just wait him out.True love always works out, I'm speaking from experience! Or he could be starting to realize that he's really in a relationship and he needs some time to adjust. Try talking but don't push him to talk, he'll just get frustrated. Just let him know that you love him and you'll be there for him, he'll come around, if not, look deeper into the situation and act accordingly!
2007-05-12 07:49:58 · answer #6 · answered by tiffany10784 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It is possible that there isn't someone else. You have to confront him. You have to say, "Hey, whatis your problem, if you love me then be with me. DOn't just call me for a booty call."
If he's distant it means he doesn't want to be with you but doesn't have the balls to break up with you and thus break your heart.
I apologize for being blunt andi f I sound like a jerk.
2007-05-12 07:43:35 · answer #7 · answered by matthaumschild 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You said you live together...but he only calls when he needs something...You mean at work or what?...You are living together...Sounds like he might just be losing interest...When it is friends, sometimes that is JUST what it is...friendship...You should sit down with him and talk it out...
2007-05-12 08:03:14 · answer #8 · answered by Terry C. 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Be straight forward. Ask him what's up. Does he want it to end? If not tell him what changes need to be made.
Sounds like it's over, but you deserve an answer from him if it is or not.
2007-05-12 07:50:53 · answer #9 · answered by V 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should't be living with boyfriends in the 1st place. It reduces your dignity and self esteem.
You'd better live him before things gets worse. He's just tired of you and wants to move on.
Next time, get m,arried b4 passing a night in a guy's house
2007-05-12 07:44:06 · answer #10 · answered by sholly 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋