can you tell me what you think?

Question

i'm usually okay at poetry, but i when i reread this poem, i can only think how terrible it is xP (suggestions?)

That day,
a defect was found,
and I did not cry.

Your life
was amputated
and I took advantage.

My profit
lesser
than my loss.

Our women's lives
will never again
be safe.

For fear of a defect,
I give my life
away.

Answer 1

this poem spoke directly to me

is this about a woman in your family who has cancer?

i thought the poem was heartfelt and creative, and i hope it let you get out some of your emotions... my mom just had breast cancer

good luck

Answer 2

Hi, This is a beautiful poem that can be interpretted in many ways. It could be a lover with an illness but my first impression when I read this was that it is a baby. A defect was found, the writer was too numb to cry but agreed to have the baby aborted. The profit being a life without having to care for an ill child or maybe a single mother not having to cope on her own but her life will never be the same again. For fear of a defect, a choice not to watch a child suffer unnecessarily the writer has given 'her life' away. I may be wrong, probably am, but that's why some poems can be so awe-inspiring. They really make you think and feel. This is that kind of poem. No your poem is not terrible, it is very good. Polly

Answer 3

am not sure but I think it sounds quite well, rhythm and the rhyme make it musical.
I can see the "defect" of the first stanza is echoed in the last. A defect is found but the speaker did not cry AND then, "For fear of a defect,/I give my life/away." Kind of sacrifice now? Makes me wonder about this "amputation" of life like what happens on the surgeon's table! But then the speaker took advantage of this. Question is how and why? Wonder whether its about two or only one person! I fear I am completely off the mark but this stanza looks a bit odd:
Our women's lives
will never again
be safe.
Who are these women whose lives will never again be safe! And why are they "ours"!! Well I get more questions as I continue reflecting on the poem.
On style, I'd prefer gain/loss to profit/loss parallelism.
Good luck

Answer 4

Some people think the more obscure the poem the better. Personally I look for poems I can understand. Don't mind me though. I'm just a lover of poetry not an expert. Someone out there will just love it.

Answer 5

I think it is a good poem can be interpreted in many ways. You talk of defects on a person but you kill yourself over it. You shouldnt be making it such a big deal many people have defects and still live life throiugh it. If you know anyone who does have a defect you should still be the same way to them beacuse they are still the same person and should not be taken advantage of. But still I like your poem its nice.

Answer 6

If you feel that there is something wrong with it then there is something wrong with it. It's a bit obscure but some people like that. To me it feel a bit tied down but that just me and that's not my poem

Answer 7

I don't think its terrible, but its not that good either. I can understand some of it but not all of it. I think it needs a little more work. Good luck.