80 days of hell?

Question

So my fiancée has been arrested for an old DUI charge from 3 years ago. I understand why he did not do his time mostly because he has a 7-year-old daughter and wants/needs to pay her child support, and her health insurance. Here is my problem. I knew about this DUI when we started dating (a year ago) but the story that I was told is different from what really happened. I have found out from the courts that he had a probation given to him but because of his child support was created in Alaska Tribal (from his army days) he has a percentage not a set amount taken from his check and comes home with about 25% of his paycheck give or take and was unable to pay for his monitor anklet. Here is my problem I have found out all these lies and now he is in jail and might have to do 80 days. I can’t write him about my thoughts for it can be used in court and I do not want to make this harder for him. I am committed to our relationship to a full extent hence the marriage.
What should I do?

Answer 1

Some of the responses on here say that he won't change - actually, since this offense was from three years ago you already have the chance to see if he's changed..... has he? What is his current behavior around alcohol or drugs? And even if he hasn't yet made a turn around of his life, what is your honest opinion of how this event will effect him?

Right now, people who know me find it hard to believe what I was like when I was younger. I used to be my group's "Designated Drunken Driver". I lived pretty much with that kind of attitude toward alcohol from age 21 until about 31 or 32. God just decided to keep watch over me and I never had an accident or got in trouble with the law. Today, I'm one of the leadership in our church, I'm married with three great kids and even direct a bible study for young men.

I don't drink at all anymore, but understand that lifestyle/attitude. You need to realistically evaluate his and your attitudes toward drinking, and where those attitudes are going to take you. The bible tells us that all things are legal (it does not specifically outlaw alcohol) but that not all things edify (what good does it give you? and your children?)

I cannot judge your fiance - "There but for the grace of God go I." refers exactly to him and me. I was a fornicator and a drunken driver for many years before I straightened out. I have no children from before my marriage, but could have and no legal issues, but could have. What will he become if he allows God to get ahold of him? I don't know - but you should be on your knees praying for it to happen.

Answer 2

Understand that he lied to you and that is probably a pattern. Understand that he doesn't fulfill his commitments. If he did, he wouldn't have to have his wages garnished and he wouldn't be doing considerably more time now than he would have at the begining. He seems full of excuses. Understand that he is irresponsible...there is no excuse that would statisfy me for a DUI. If he had killed another person, where would his daughter be? What if he had died himself while driving drunk or high?

Now that you understand all that and you are still gung-ho to marry him, don't be surprised when you encounter these same problems with him down the road. I foresee a troubled marriage. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

He really has a lot of explaining to do he didn't need to lie to you, that was really very wrong of him to do. You need to ask your self some really serious questions.

Like why didn't he tell you the truth, after all your his fiancee? You deserved to know what you were facing with this as well, because it does affect you too.

That could most likely cause a huge strain upon your marriage, your future together. It may affect weather you are going to be able to afford children, home or many other things that you may be wanting in your lives. At least until his child reaches 18 years old. It is always better to face facts and be real with our selves, rather than to attempt to try and paint some cute little picture of a wonderful life where all is easy.

How bad has his credit become, because of this and maybe even other things that he may not have told you?

Do you really trust him now that you know that he lied to you and totally left you in the dark?

How many doubts is this giving you now that you know that he lied? How secure are you feeling that he will be honest in the future?

I would say that you have some serious thinking to consider when it comes to this man. Obviously his finances are in total ruin and when you marry him it could also affect your credit, if he isn't responsible. He is going to fall farther behind with his child support and any other debts that he has, unless your going to pay his things for him. Ask your self, do I feel that generous to do that, it may put you into financial ruin as well.

I don't wish to be mean or callous, but in life we must be nothing but totally honest with our selves. If you marry him you will be paying the majority of the way because his money will be going to child support. So that you will only see 25% or so give or take as you said coming into your household from his paycheck.

That means that the majority of the financial burden will fall upon your shoulders, you will have to pay the lions share of the load. This will be like that for about the next 11 years, more if he get behind in his support payments.

You really do need to be aware of just what you are getting your self into. Maybe speak with family or friends and see what they think as well, you have a lot to think about. You have 80 days to do it in so you have some time. You can maybe look at it as a blessing rather than hell, at least you know what is really going on now. You are no longer being kept in the dark and shut out of what is really there, since he got exposed for being a liar. So, I don't know that I'd be so quick to call it hell, it could actually be a blessing.

Obviously he didn't want you to know the truth, have you asked your self why didn't he want you to know?? Maybe he is looking for some one to help him pay the load, but he didn't want to make you aware of it until it was too late. As in after you said "I DO!" But ask you self, do you really?

If it were me I'd dump him, I don't like liars. I don't have a lot of use for them! Seems to me he didn't care that he lied to you, didn't really bother him a bit to do so.

I wish you the best, no matter what you do. Think long and hard before you hook your start to his world, it may not be the world that your really looking for. God bless you.

Answer 4

You just said you were committed to the relationship and apparently want to stay with this guy, so what is there to do?
Your just going to wait for him to get out and marry him even though he lied to you. Just remember if he lied to you about this, you are setting yourself up for a life of lies with him.

Answer 5

Well you will have plenty of time to think about what you will say, ask and what you want from him for now on. Things might have been different if he had told you the truth, maybe. At least you would have known where things stand. I would make no rash decisions and I would also make no excuses for him either, not to yourself or others. Good luck.

Answer 6

i think that they are not supopsed to read his mail. , but im not 100 % on it , the gurads might somehow use it against him. i dont really know... maybe you should wiat to tlk to him about it ? are you going to dump him over all of this? well u must really love him to do all this for him i hope its a real love affiar you two have and is worht it. keep your chin up lady

Answer 7

He will be fine. Everything will work itself out. You are being a good person just for being by his side and waiting for him to get out. It is awesome that he has support like you. Most people are soo quick to judge even though NO ONE is perfect. Everyone has made mistakes. Good luck to both of you.

Answer 8

You have 80 days to get a guy you can trust.

Answer 9

Ultimately it is you who have to decide if his lies matter enough for you to marry him. My opinion is I wouldn't marry him b/c he's a liar. You have found out about these but what about the things that you dont know he lied about.

Answer 10

A relationship should and has to be based on trust. Run and don't look back.