though this feeling isn't new
i still can't believe how i feel about you
you're the only thing i want to see
i'll always believe that we might be
it's a shame i can't tell you how i feel
'cause you talking to me doesn't sound real
i can't conprehend how beautiful you are
you're the best crush i've had by far
2007-05-12 05:43:56 · 10 answers · asked by Dinowoo 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
it's very sweet and heartfelt...
here are my suggestions:
1) take out the word "crush" in the last line. replace it perhaps with "love"
2) try to make your syllables a bit more consistent... they don't have to be exactly the same, but sometimes it sounds awkward if there's not enough of a balance
3) don't use too many contractions
here's how i would edit it:
although this feeling is not new
i can't believe how i feel about you
you are the only one i want to see
i'll always believe that we may some day be
what a shame i can't tell you how i feel
you speaking to me does not seem real
i can't comprehend how beautiful you are
you are the greatest love i've had by far
good luck with your love and your poetry!
2007-05-12 06:21:20 · answer #1 · answered by la danse macabre 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to say so but you sound hypocritical. You seem to mistake infatuation for love, at least, the "I" or the speaker of the poem.
You call a person a "thing" and you "can't believe how i feel about" them.
Although "always believe that we might be," you are a sneaky little urchin feeling "shame i can't tell you how i feel."
Worse, you do not trust this person since "you talking to me doesn't sound real" and indeed you do not love as you even mess the spelling, "i can't conprehend" comprehend what?
ornamentation... . yes, "how beautiful you are."
And then drops this mask rather stupidly,betraying your actual intentions "you're the best crush i've had by far."
That is rather too cheap. If you feel something like love, turn away, bid goodbye and stay away for a week then approach the person again. You'll discover your actual feelings. For now, this is not only a poorly composed love poem but frankly, a statement subtly stating you are no more than a serious loser! Pardon me.
2007-05-12 13:27:00 · answer #2 · answered by ari-pup 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tr to to keep the amount of syllables per line consistent.
2007-05-12 13:05:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think its real good. Sweet to. Better then what I would write. I'm terrible at writting poems.
2007-05-12 13:19:44 · answer #4 · answered by homeatlast2110 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That iz a sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet poem....
2007-05-12 12:57:16 · answer #5 · answered by Desi_Fly_Chick 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's very sweet. I hope you don't get your heart broken.
2007-05-12 12:48:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think is the greatest poem i have ever read.
2007-05-12 12:51:37 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats so sweet.......but be careful dont get ur heart broken...
2007-05-12 12:53:57 · answer #8 · answered by ɱýšƗȉɋǔȇ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't have much emotion.
2007-05-12 14:02:05 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
love it!
2007-05-12 12:51:28 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋