wedding nerves or sign i am making mistake?

Question

i am getting married next month but feel strangely flat about it. at times i feel so scared and am worried that i am making another mistake. I have been living with partner for 2 and half years so it is not as if i dont know him.

This is my second marriage the first was abusive and violent, my fiancee never even raises his voice and is great with my son who is disabled. (better than his father actually).
I get scared that after the marriage he will change and turn nasty but i am not sure where that comes from.
I am also having probs with my ex who gets at me through the children and they wont visit me at home beause they are scared of what my ex will say. My youngest son who lives with us is scared to tell his dad about the wedding becasue he makes him feel bad and guilty for talking to my partner.
What do you think, i dont want to hurt my son but also dont want to hurt my partner

Answer 1

Sweetie, if your current fiance never raises his voice and is a wonderful father to the son who lives with you, then he has to be the sweetest man you could ever have. Just tell him that you've had memories of Evil Marriage Past flooding back to you, and I'm positive that he'll reassure you that he won't be the asshole you married the first time. If that doesn't work, you might need some counselling to help you understand why you feel this way (with your husband's support.)

And about this ex who gets at you through the children: he sounds manipulative and conniving and far from my idea of what a real father should be. It's one thing to say bad things about your ex to the children (even if it is the truth) and encourage them to disrespect him/her. It is quite another to scare the children into not visiting you at your house, causing you to make other arrangements with them, and make your youngest son feel bad and guilty about your fiance to which he's scared to tell dad about the wedding. Once you get this wedding out the way, consult your lawyer to see what your rights as a non-custodial parent are for the other children. (I assume they live with their father.) Document all that you remember vividly about the post-martial harassment through the children. Do these children tell you that he abuses them physically and verbally, as well as emotionally? Buy a recorder and record all conversations you have with these children that will stand up in court, without "coaching" them about what to say. If the judge asks about the abuse you suffered while married to the first husband, explain clearly, and that you believe that he will continue to abuse the children in this manner. I'm sure any good, NON-CORRUPT judge will grant custody of the other kids over to you. Good luck.

Answer 2

I just answered your other identical question and then saw this one. So I'll say a bit more. All the people who shoot weddings, from the hack with a new dSLR to Bambi Cantrell, Monte Zucker and Jeff Ascough had a first one. The ideal way to begin shooting weddings is to have a very good basic understanding of technique and the art of photography, whether that comes from formal education in the classroom, or the school of self-study and hard knocks. On top of that, assisting or interning with an established pro is an immense help. Then add in having the right tools to do the job and knowing how to use them. When all three parts of the wedding photography equation are there, the chance for success goes wayyy up. Take away a piece and the odds of great images fall quite a bit. How much the dip is depends on how much is missing. So, you are missing experience and equipment. Maybe skill, and knowledge too. None of us know how much you have learned in the few months you've been a hobbyist. You may be a great photographer, some people take to it quickly with an innate grasp of light and composition. Then it's a matter of learning how to translate their vision to film (or sensor). Others plod along at novice snapshot level for years, never understanding that a better camera will not make them a better photographer. I don't have a problem with the amateurs who come here asking how to better shoot their first wedding. Most of these first wedding photographers are pressed, cajoled, browbeaten or bushwacked into duty because they are either the family shutterbug, or they have a decent camera, perhaps the only dSLR among the circle of friends. Not every wedding has a budget of thousands or tens of thousands of dollars, and often the B&G would have nothing but disposacam snaps from table cameras if someone refused to do the photography as a favor. Although I am a firm believer in "It's the photographer, NOT the camera", the reality remains that unless he really screws up, he will get shots better than a bunch of kids with a disposables or Aunt Edna with her five year old Kodak Easyshare. Now, if he presented himself asking something like, "I am starting a wedding photography business next week, what camera and lens do I need and what should I name it?", then he deserves whatever raking he gets. But here, this is not the case. He is just a friend trying to help. Plenty of amateurs shoot weddings. Sometimes that ends in heartbreak for everyone, but sometimes it's all OK, even if not perfect. I hope this one will be OK! Good luck, and read those links I sent in the previous answer.

Answer 3

I'm going to venture a guess that your ex didn't start the abuse until after you were married. That would explain you worrying that your fiance might do the same. I hate to say it, but a lot of abusive men manage to hide that side of them until after the vows, but there are some hints. If your fiance is a calm person, and he doesn't let his anger get out of control, then chances are good that you're not getting yourself into the same situation as before. What matters is this; if you love your partner, and you know he loves you, and he's good with your son, don't question what you're doing. No one can predict what will happen in your future, but if he's not an angry person now, you're probably safe. It sounds like he's dealing well with your ex and that entire situation, so be happy. Don't let the scars from the past ruin what's in your future.

Answer 4

Two years by the way is too soon to get married. Wait another year or two to make things right. Clear your differences with your children, take care of your past mistakes so you can move on. Because if you don't, you will never have closure.

You may be ruining your chance of getting married to a very nice man, because you are letting the memories of your ex-husband haunt you.

Answer 5

first of all If you cant communicate with your partner why would you want to marry him that's a big sign! I wouldn't marry if I were you. I think you guys should get to know each other better and communicate with each other how you feel. Communication and trust are a MUST. Think about your children before making any decision but you shouldn't let your past hunt you don't let you ex control your life but then be wise about who you let into your life. I hope nothing but the best for you. Oh, hey have you tried praying and asking God for his guidance? Mine and anyone else's advice can help but it doesn't compare to Gods help. I hope nothing but the best for you.

Answer 6

I understand. You were burned once, you don't want to be burned again.
Of course there's risk, but this one might work. Your partner sounds like a good guy, expecially how he feels about your son.
I can't tell you what to do. But, I'll tell you this, my father& mother were married, 48 years, my cousin and his wife, 38, my bro in law &his wife, 40, and my wife and I are about to be married 40 years.
Sure, it was a risk. My wife found out I wasn't a prince charming,and she sure is no cinderella, but we knew this would happen. We just treated each other with respect. No secret.

See! It CAN work. Your call.

Answer 7

I think your past experience with your ex is affecting your present relationship with your fiancee. It sounds like your have a great guy in your life. You should never let another person determine how you feel or you will be slave to that person the rest of your life. Do what you want to do and don't look back.

Answer 8

what you are feeling is normal, but I am sure its for a reason. Don't look past this. You are feeling them for a reason. Talk to your partner and get his views on it, you never know until you ask. As for your ex. He doesn't want to see you happy cause he did not give you that. Go with your gut.. Good Luck and God bless

Answer 9

it sounds A LOT like your ex is the problem.
also how could your ex husband who visits the kids and such NOT KNOW that you are getting married?

that is weird and that is on you.

you have a lot to work out with your family...a lot of deception and lies are there obviously...but as far as marrying the persone you are with now...i dont think that is a problem at all...you have many many more problems that i see.

good luck and have a great tommorow!

Answer 10

You have a lot of baggage.

Marriages go bad because we make the wrong choices and don't ask the right questions...e.g., why do you want to marry me? Love is not enough. If you make the right choice, your Prince will slay all your dragons and banish all your demons.