Should I make my husband chose between me and his mother?

Question

I have took over payments on my mother-in-laws car. And every since she has been yelling take me here take me there and if I can not take her she starts yelling. She is constantly calling leaving mean, nasty messages. She knows that we have foster kids in our home that can not handle the yelling but she dosn't care. We have both ask her to stop callling and acting this way but she still continues. My husband exspects me to take her every where she want/needs to go, and separtate her meds,and everything else she can not do one her own. He tells her that I will do stuff for her without asking me. And even on his days off he will not even go over to her house to see her. This woman is flat out mean and rude and I am so tires of it. She don't treat her daughter this way. My sister-in-law doesn't help out either. I love my husband and I do not really want to make him chose between us. I swore that I would never make him chose, but I do not know what else to do.

He is her POA but I have to pay her bills and buy her grocerys and so on

Answer 1

Its sad your husband doesnt back you up, when I got married my mother counseled NEVER make a man choose between you and your mother. You MAY Lose.

Your MIL is rude to you because you permit her to be? Why do you take it? She is husbands mother and its his responsibility first to take care of her. But before turning over the responsibilty to him, get your ducks in a row.


1.There are elder care services that can take your mother-in-law to her appointments. Find one for her. After you have done this, the tell your husband and if he doesnt like it, tell him that then he and his siblings need to come up with an alternative..And take yourself out of it.

2. In that same conversation, tell your husband that you are not taking her calls anymore and that you will direct her to call him from now on. Its his mother. If you get a bad message from her, skip it, save it and tell your jhusband his Mother called for him and let him deal with it. If you pick up the phone when she calls, say one of the kids need you, you have to go now, ask her to call her son and hang up.

You are permitting your MIL to mistreat you and permitting your husband to take it for granted you will take care of his Mom and honest.y why shouldnt he when you always do it, even though it pisses you off?

Answer 2

both of them are taking you for granted and walking all over you. It's time to say NO. Don't make anyone chose anything, just simply say, I"m sorry, I can't make it right now to take you to 'bla bla bla." Then don't answer the phone and turn the answering machine volume down so the foster kids don't hear the yelling. When she complains to hubby and he complains to you, then you say sweetly, "I'm sorry, I just couldn't do it today, I had to do...bla bla bla." Fill in the blank. Don't complain about your feelings, don't point all the times that you just did what was expected, don't go into lengthy explanations. Just be simple and polite, and say NO. At first start out small on the NO's, break them into it. Eventually someone will have to pick up the slack, you deserve to be appreciated.

Answer 3

most people would be more than willing to help out a good mother...but I noticed you said that even her children won't help her out...take that as a sign.
No..you shouldn't make your husband choose, because that's not fair. What you need to do though, is stop being a pushover. Listen to what you are saying. Not only is the mother in law taking advantage of you,,,your husband is too. He should know that obligating someone to do what he should be doing,,especially without asking is very inconsiderate. Then, he is basically allowing his mom to talk **** to you, and you still have to cater to her needs. You need to stand up for yourself because evidently your man is not used to taking the lead when it comes to protecting his wife. Don't let her do you like that,,,you can let her know that you're not going to put up with it anymore, and still be respectful. But mean what you say. Don't get intimidated by her yelling. That's how she controls you..because she knows she can make you do whatever she wants you to do. Tell her no...and tell him if she needs a ride, he needs to make time to take care of mommy dearest.

Answer 4

No you should not make him chose between the two of you. But you should not be such a push over either. Tell him it is not fair that you have to do it all and he does nothing and make him do some things for her. I can see you doing the pills, but he can do some of the driving her around.
If he does not then don't make supper or other things for him. And if he complains say "I am sorry, dear, but your mother took longer than I expected, so if you were hungry you could have made some thing to eat yourself".
Good luck and call Dr. Phil if you need to do that, because he is completely wrong.

Answer 5

It sounds like you need to sit down and talk to him about the whole thing. Try to keep emotions out of it as much as possible and just let him know. You are worn out and can not continue to be the personal chauffer and maid for her. Let him know that when he is off of work he needs to help out and take her where she needs to go. He needs to spend the time with her and try to resolve the issues. Ask him if the other family members can share in the duties, set up a schedule and have each person take a shift. (Grocery store on Tuesdays, hairdresser/nails on Thursdays, drug store on Mondays what ever it is that she normally does) Your husband needs to let the other family members know that they need to start pitching in and sharing the duties.

Answer 6

It's unfortunate that some people show no appreciation for help and kindness of other people. It is not fair to your husband if you make him choose between the two women he loves dearly in his life.

A better option is try to have your husband understand where you are coming from. Once he understands, then perhaps both of you can have a talk with the mother-in-law.

Answer 7

Girl...

Just because we get older, DOESN'T mean we get WISER...and that is the whole truth, nothing but the TRUTH...

Your husband has to really STAND UP in this situation. He is trying to please his mom by pacifying her, and he wants you to do the same, but IT IS NOT WORKING...and IT IS NOT FAIR TO YOU. In this situation, there is NO gray...it's black or white...and your husband is trying to be in the gray area here. I know that's his mother, but he can put her in her place without being disrespectful. And it is so sad because from this story, it seems like your mother-in-law is trying to play this game with you to "win" her son...and that is not fair. Many mothers tend to do that because a lot of them do not want to feel like they have to "compete" for their son's love, trust, loyalty, etc. So sometimes they put their sons in the middle of a wife/mom tug-of-war. Not fair, but that is how it is.

This mom is taking it too far. And if your husband is NOT willing to sacrifice, is NOT willing to draw the line with his mom, or is NOT willing to sit down and talk with the three of you and draw some lines in this situation, take it to God, and BACK OUT of the situation.

How to back out of the situation? Stop paying the mother's car note, stop taking her places, stop being at her beck and call. It is not out of spite, but tell your husband that you just can't handle GIVING and NOT RECEIVING respect in turn. After all, it is his mother...and HE has to deal with her.

Pray about it, and it is done...

God bless.

Answer 8

stop helping her for now on and see what happens u should tell ur husband 2 go take his lazy azz over there and do things 4 his mother not u u is his wife and u needed 2 stay at home with da kids.

Answer 9

tell your husband that she is HIS MOTHER......NOT YOURS. That you are tired of being treated like crap by her and that you are not going to subject yourself to her any longer. That from now on, he needs to take care of his mother. I have a father in law who is hateful as well. He has gotten so bad, that he now says nasty things to the ppl at church, and a lot have left because of the way he treats them. I will do everything in the world for his mother, because she has bore the brunt of his abuse (mouth)for so long, that she deserves to to be treated kindly. But my parents never yelled and screamed at me....and I know damn well that his daddy ain't either.....and that is just the way it is. This is not your mother.....he needs to take care of her and stop volunteering you to do every thing for her......that is his job and his siblings job....not yours.

Answer 10

you should not ask your husband to choose but you should ask him to set the boundaries and explain to your mother-in-law that your not a nanny, has a mind of your own, has your family to protect and must have no less than happiness that everyone deserves. YOU ARE a HUMAN not a ROBOT! .