Any good clean humor?

Question

I am trying to cheer up an elderly Catholic lady who has been depressed lately because she must spend so much time alone and is in so much pain form arthritis. All her long-time friends are dead. Got any jokes that an elderly Catholic lady might like?

In answer to the question, I can’t take her anywhere because she lives about 1000 miles away. About all I can do is send her things that she might enjoy and talk to her on the phone. She loves Catholic humor.

Answer 1

Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.

He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."

The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"

"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."

The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."

The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"






Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."






The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

.

Answer 2

Ice Cream
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "but dear, where's the toast?"

There is a website called www.praize.com and it has some cute jokes that are clean. Greetings to your friend.

Answer 3

"The Pope Drives"

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''

But the pope persists, ''Please?''

The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.''

So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''

Chief: ''What sort of problem?''

Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''

Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''

Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''

Chief: ''Important like the governor?''

Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''

Chief: ''Like the president?''

Cop: ''More.''

Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?''

Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

Answer 4

Q: What's the only animal that didn't travel on Noah's arc in pairs?

A: Worms, they came in apples!

get it? pairs = pears! Ooh, that clever wordplay...

Answer 5

What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

Dam!

Hehehe

Answer 6

Here is a harmless one: I saw this Church parking sign that read:"Priest parking only...all others will confess".

Answer 7

there are other ways to cheer someone up , can you go outside with her for a walk ?