Do children really repeat everything they hear OR are there exceptions? (serious responses only)?

Question

One of my employees had her 4-year old dauther with her at work yesterday due to a childcare situation. I made exception even though I do have this as one of the things upon hire that cannot happen due to the environment that we work in. While I was chatting with them, her little girl said "My mommy said that you are gross because you smoke." The Mother “quickly” threw out, "My daughter has taken this out of context, Beth, and I adore you. I love working for you, and I like you personally, but my husband and I greatly discourage smoking so we always tell her that smoking is gross; I do not know why she would say that I said that." I agree that smoking should be discouraged to children, but this is not the issue. Should I believe her? This is the only question so I request to keep the answers to the questions of should I believe the Mother or believe in the statement that “children repeat everything they hear so be careful what you say.”?

1. I do not have kids, but I have ten nieces and nephews plus one of my undergraduate degrees is BA in Elementary Education. I am no dummy to this topic. But I am wise, and I like to get what I call the "Peanut Gallery" opinion on things sometimes because it is a nice gauge to see "general" feelings.
2. The employee has other issues. I am not going to terminate someone for something like this. I do not run my business this way.
3. I have determined that the child did repeat what her Mother said, and I base this on thinking through, and I can appreciate the fact that smoking is a issue, but to "use me" as an example is frustrating because I pay her very well, and I actually have GIVEN her money personally because of her dire straights situation (she has many, many issues). And I have to help her with things in order to get her through. Instead of "Mommy thinks you are gross because you smoke" is quite insulting at this point because it should be "Mommy thinks you rock."

Answer 1

If the child saw you smoking, or even saw cigarettes or some mention of it then she might have taken it upon herself to declare that. Even so much as seeing a lighter and my son says "no no," he is only 18 months. When you drill something into a child's head, like "smoking is gross," they feel compelled to point it out when they see it. So I am sure that is the case. It was probably just a child trying to get praised for saying that "smoking is gross." I wouldn't think too much of it.

Answer 2

You should believe both- the mother is probably telling you the truth, that's a very good & common way to tell young kids that smoking is wrong. But you should also believe that you need to watch what you say to kids, because they do repeat everything, at some point, and usually when it's not expected, like this situation. Kids don't have the reasoning capabilities to keep these things to themselves. This woman's husband probably thinks you're gross because you smoke, but hopefully he's learned by now that you don't just come out and say that when you meet someone, that as an adult we take other factors into account, and just because you do one unsavory activity, it doesn't ruin you entirely, etc. That's why I believe you should be honest with your kids, but keep answers to questions short, and only answer exactly what they are asking. This daughter probably asked about your smoking, and her mommy said, "You shouldn't smoke like she does, it's gross" and the girl came away from it with the idea that YOU are gross. The mother was doing the right thing by teaching in a way that the daughter could understand the situation, but didn't bother going into too much detail, so that the child can learn to grasp the beginning concept, and she can bring in more later, like smoking causes cancer, emphasema, birth defects, etc. later when her daughter is older.


Smoking IS gross, you need to quit.

Answer 3

Yes believe the mother. They do repeat everything hear though. The mother probably did say that smoking is gross and it makes your clothes and lungs gross. The daugher then just applied the statement to say that the person is gross. My kids do that all the time. They apply what I said into something different. I tell my youngest all the time (just turned 2) that it is gross to eat rocks. Then my 4 and 7 yr old say that she is gross because she is eating the rocks.
We tell kids gross so they understand that it is a nondesirable behavior. Then the kids can take that to mean that people that do it is gross. The mom certaintly meant the behavior (smoking) but the child then doesn't understand why people would do it so they think the adult is gross. I hope that makes sense.
Trust me when/if you have kids, you will understand.

Answer 4

Kids are ramdom this way. They certainly can repeat exactly what you say word for word..but I find more often what they do is take what you say and make their own mess of it.

I have 6 kids and they have all said things that have embarassed the heck out of me. A four year old is certainly capable of taking what her mother said about smoking being gross and making it into her own sentance. Her mother may have even said smoking is gross and people who smoke are gross...and the kid still could have come up with "My mommy said you are gross because you smoke".
Truthfully, if this is something they are trying to teach their kid they probably didn't sit down and name names...so and so smokes so she is gross and joe blow smokes so he is gross too.
You are going to have to go with your gut feelings on how your co-worker has treated you in the past. If she has always been cool with you, then I wouldn't worry. If her surprise and embarassment seemed genuine, I also wouldn't worry.
Now lets hope this mother teaches her kid how not to say hurtfull things no matter what is going through her little head.

Answer 5

Believe her.

An intelligent child, even a young one, can add 1 and 1, so to speak:
1: Smoking is gross.
1: Mommy's boss smokes (probably overheard this at some point)
2: CONCLUSION: Mommy's boss is gross.

Embarrassing, but normal.

Answer 6

That's a toughy. A four-year-old could probably make the leap from "smoking is gross" to "you are gross because you smoke." Either way, I think you should not make this an issue. If your employee is good and does her work and is respectful of you, co-workers, etc. you should not take what a four-year-old says to heart. Kids don't understand that what they say can come out cruel.

Answer 7

If the child saw you smoking, then I would believe the mother! If the 4 year old child has no idea that you smoke...then yes she would have had to have gotten this information from her mother or heard it from someone! I wouldn't take it personally though as maybe she was using you as a reference and not meaning anything personal about you personally.

Answer 8

I would believe her. Kids repeat what they think they hear. I have seen my daughter really twist some things around. What she explained seems very plausible to me.

And off the subject, you should quit smoking. It is a disgusting habit and it leads to all sorts of nasty diseases. I have lost five relatives to smoking related illnesses so I know whereof I speak.

Answer 9

Kids do repeat a lot!!! However in your situation, I would beleive the mother. My 3 year old son has done a very similar thing. It is very awkward, but I really didn't say what he said.

Answer 10

YES - I would believe her.

My children once told our neighbors that we didn't go to a certain swimming pool b/c there were black people there!! I NEVER SAID THAT! I told them that I didn't like to go to public pools b/c of how dirty the water was: from sunscreen, body oils, and hair care products - INCLUDING the oils that *some* AA's use in their hair. All they heard was that part, apparently.

For goodness sake, my sister is 1/2 black and my best friend is black - I certainly NEVER told them that we didn't go somewhere b/c there were black people.

I think your friend is telling the truth and that her daughter took something out of context!!!!!