My fiance wants to postpone our wedding indefinitely? What do I do?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for over 6 years. He asked me to marry him over 9 months ago and our wedding is in about 6 months. He asked me to marry him and now says he is so busy at work. I'm starting a new career, and is scared about getting married. I have also been stressed lately since I am planning a wedding by myself, graduating from college, and that's normal.He has communicated his feelings to me, but I don't understand why is has to be postponed. My new career knows my wedding date and his work knows his. He is scared because his parents have been divorced and remarried, and isn't sure if he is ready to marry me YET. What do I do? Do I give him an ultimatum? If he is not ready to marry now, will he ever be? I been with him a long time and have been living with him for a few years, so we know each other very well and love each other. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, but I don't want to postpone the wedding and he does. I need advice about what to do

Answer 1

Move on. 6 years is way too long. This guy will never commit.

Answer 2

I think you really need to ask yourself if he's capable of getting married. If not, then you have a big decision to make, stay or go. Some people out there (especially those with divorced parents) don't trust the institution of marriage. My guess is that if you postpone the wedding now, you might end up postponing it again, and again, and again. I'd say you've been together long enough to know if you are compatible, living together any longer can't give you any more information at this point. If you are determined to be married, then you might have to really, really question if it's EVER going to happen with this guy. The problem is that if you force the issue he might break it off. On the other hand, you have to wonder if you want to be married to someone that is having this many problems with the very idea of getting married.

Answer 3

Some people may call it an ultimatum.. but here's the way I look at it. Don't give it as an ultimatum... as in "the "Or else" part. Here's how i would approach...

"I am not going to give you an ultimatum, but I AM going to do what is right for me. I know that I love you and would love to marry you on our planned wedding day. But if you are not ready that is okay. I will understand. I will need to do what is in my best interest and begin looking for someone who will be ready to marry me. I feel that 6 years and the years we have lived together is long enough for both of us to KNOW if this is right. If you do not know by now, then you will neer know. Just please let me know by tomorrow what your decision is."

I was strung along for 5 years (lived together for two). It tunred out he was not the type to settle down ever. He is always looking for "something better" with everything, not just women. Eventually we broke up.

A few months after that, I met the man I will marry on August 11th. And it didn't take another 5 years to get here.

Answer 4

OK Let's look at ultimatums. They usually involve "Do this deed" (marry me, give up smoking, etc.) "OR ELSE!" The "or else" is usually pretty severe. Now then, what is the "or else?" in your ultimatum and are you really committed to carry it out? or is it just a veiled threat of a temper-tantrum?

If you're willing to even think about going through with the "or else" part of the ultimatum upon hearing the "no" word, then why not carry it out now?

Honey, what I'm saying is that the world is at your feet right now. Don't give this man a choice - just quietly leave him now. He'll wonder what happened and may even come begging you to come back. Now then, you could go back to a crybaby spoiled boy or you could gently tell him that his lack of committment the first time made him have to go back to ground zero. You've taken a good hard look at yourself - and at his behavior and quite frankly, he needs to do some growing up. He'll have to convince you that he's more mature than he appears right now.

If he doesn't come asking you back, then you REALLY know you made the right decision.

Truly - you say that you know each other well - so why is his noncommittal attitude a surprise now? Seems that you may not have known each other as well as you thought.

So He has to start from ground zero convincing you that he really is ready for a mature marriage - not just playing house. Don't accept a surrendering marriage proposal immediately. He'll hold that against you later - (you bullied me into marrying you) He has to look at himself and decide that he's just lost the best thing he's ever had - and ever will have - and it's going to take some work on his part to get you to reconsider.

Believe me. Love has nothing to do with it. In fact, it's love that motivates you to leave him - for HIS (as well as your) own good. You've obviously outgrown him anyway. You can still love him - but you've outgrown him - and he knows it.

Chances are you'll find someone better than this guy - Oh, he's a wonderful man - but he's awfully immature and not ready for the dynamic, powerful, successful woman you are quickly becoming.

You deserve better than him. He knows it - and I think deep down, you do too.

Answer 5

If he isnt sure if he wants to marry you, than he should have never asked you. Honestly if I were you I would tell him that he needs to make a choice as to whether his career or his life with you is more valuable. Also tell him, his parents relationship has nothing to do with yours, you've been planning this wedding for a while and put so much of your energy into it, and if he wants to throw that all away now, then maybe he's not worth marrying. Seriously talk to him about this and tell him how you feel, I wouldnt take it litely I'd be very insulted and he needs to snap back to reality or take a hike.

Answer 6

This is tough....especially for you. You have been committed to him and have given your self completely to him. Unfortunately you can't make him do anything he's not ready for yet... This might be hard to do, but you might want to consider moving out into your own place. Get some physical space between the two of you. Let him know that you love him dearly, but intil he is ready to take the next step, it would not be in your best interest to be in a living situation with him, because it would be hard emtionally for you. Once you move out, live life as normal...work, keep busy with girlfriends and family. Do not cry or beg...nothing of the sort. he must see that although you love him, there is life without him (this takes alot of inner strength)...

This will give him time to think about what value you really have in his life...

Do not mention marriage to him in conversation... act like you've got other things in life to occupy your time....

he's either going to come to his senses about his fears or walk (because he was not really there). You must prepare yourself if the later happens.

You must remind yourself how valuable and beautiful a person you are and deserving of a man who knows what he has....

Answer 7

You need to be really honest with him and tell him exactly what you have said here. I don't think ultimatums work, sometimes they can come back and bite you, so try not to go down that road if you can help it. I can understand him being scared, but it's not like you haven't spent a lot of time together, you know each other pretty well after 6 years, of course there is always something new to learn, but it seems like he is making excuses without proper reason, ask him his reasons and decide what to do from there.

Answer 8

Ultimatums are OK, because you don't want to throw good time after bad, but what does it really say about you and him that you have to issue an ultimatum to a man to get him to want to marry you? You are not some desperate article that some man shouldn't want.

If a man wants to get married nothing stops him. Not a job, friends, or some divorce his parents went through X number of years ago. He is balking. Give yourself the ultimatum. If he doesn't want to marry you in a year, check out of the relationship. What to do about the fluffy wedding? He will either go through with it or he won't.

Answer 9

Verbal abuse is usually the start of physical abuse. I'm sorry sweety but he will never change. I was married to a man who started to call me names, yell at me and also suffered from PTSD. After 4 years of being with this man and 3 years of marriage, I finally had the guts to leave him after he kicked me in my stomach. That was the last straw. I could not deal with the bruises and mental, physical, financial, and emotional abuse. When he first got together with me, we were fine until 4 months later when he started doing what your fiance is doing. If he has already talked to a therapist and is taking pills than it has now become a complete loss. You need to explain to him why you are leaving him and a separation isn't really going to help him. It will be difficult for you but you need to be strong. I promise you it will only get worse for you. Good luck and *hugs*

For the best answers, search on this site https://smarturl.im/aDBn6

Answer 10

My fiance did this. I tried and thought that I had forgiven him, but ended up acting out because I was so hurt. My pain lingered a long time. I felt rejected and humiliated.
We are celebrating our 2nd anniversary on Monday, we have been together 8 years. I still haven't gotten over the hurt, but i have forgiven him.

Answer 11

If you do decide to give an ultimatum, you have to be ok with the possibility that he will say no.

In all honesty, it really sounds like something is up that he is not telling you. See if he will get pre-marital counseling with you. If he won't even try, then that is a very bad sign.