This is serious - please advise me - please do not call me names?

Question

I have been married to a lovely man for only a year. We have been together 4 years, living together over 2 years. I cant say that weve always had a fantastic relationship but he is very kind, caring, generous, he would never betray me or cheat on me. We both work long hours in stressful jobs. We got married & I came off the pill just b4 we wed so that we could try for a baby straightaway. We had a fabulous honeymoon & we were very happy. But when we came back from honeymoon, we didnt make love for 2 months! He wanted a baby just as much as me. He has 2 sons from his previous marriage, who we have 3 days a week, every week. My self esteem dropped to nothing. I tried talking to him, screaming at him, writing him letters but he always just said he was tired. I met a man just as a friend & confident, however, that has led to an affair. My husband did start paying me more attention around Christmas time but by then, I had fallen for this other man. I havent slept with this other man as I...

...wouldnt & couldnt do that to my husband. I have been having an affair for the past 8 months now. We talk, we laugh, we just click unbelievably. I decided at Christmas that I would go back on the pill after my period that was due the following week due to me having an affair & things not right at home. But that period never came. I am now nearly 5 months pregnant with a little girl. My husband is thrilled to bits but agrees that things didnt exactly come as they shouldve. I cannot end my affair. I do not know what to do. My husband isnt the man I married. I dont want to be divorced after only a year. I wanted to be married only once & be married to my husband forever. I cannot believe how much things change in such a short space of time. I love my husband but I am in love with the other man. He is fine with my pregnancy too. Please give me helpful advise. I am in a complete rut. I dont want to give up my chance of total happiness but I also only want whats best for my darling baby.

The other man knows all about my husband & that our baby is mine & my husbands. I have always been completely honest with the other man. He adores me. My husband doesnt tend to talk about his feelings, no matter how much I try to discuss things with him. He tends to brush them under the carpet where as I try to talk things through. He would never cheat on me, he's just not like that. He did want this baby as much as me. I am a very well educated 25 year old & was brought up extremely well. I cant believe that I have gotten myself into this mess. Im usually so level headed. I do love my husband very very much & it would break my heart to see him hurt but the spark has completely disappeared & I dont know if we could ever get it back, whether I was involved with someone else or not.

I know to you all that this must sound stupid & I wouldve said same as u lot a year ago but then I never thought I would be in this situation.

Please dont criticise me, I didnt think this would happen.

Mrsmomma - thank u for putting it so nicely but I get up & work 50 hours a week as an accountant! My husband also works 50-60 hours a week as a manager for a large firm. We both bring home similar salarys & both work just as hard as the other & both jobs are just as stressful. I have an excellent education, as well as my career, I am also still doing a management course with a work based learning scheme. We have no debts. We pay the mortgage & all the bills together & live quite a comfy life with regards to money. I have a company car which my husband also drives.
We share the housework.
So its not just my husband that works all those hours, I do too!

Cottontail - thank u so much, u understand exactly what I am saying.
And thank u for that link :-)

The other man absolutely adores me. He is my best friend, my confident & I truely do love him. He has told me that he would be happy to bring my baby up with me if I choose to leave my husband. He has also said that he would let me go should I choose to stay with my husband. Thats respect!
He is telling the truth, he does love me more than I feel anyone has ever loved me. I know u r all probably rolling your eyes, as I wouldve done a year ago but u do not see the chemistry between us.
I believe in soulmates & I feel that I have found my soulmate in this other man.

My dilema is the fact, whatever I choose to do, I will always live my life regretting not choosing the other (if that makes sense??).
If I choose to stay with my hubby, I will always wonder if I wouldve been so much happier with the other man.
But if I choose the other man, I dont know if I'll regret leaving my hubby.

Dawnb - thank u for your input but I have to disagree, it isnt all about me.
Forgive for being selfish, forgive me for wanting to lead a happy life. I have seen how people stay in unhappy marriages just because they dont want to be classed as divorced or separated, for the sake of saving face & for the sake of their children.
But at the end of the day, a happy relationship leads to happy children.
Yes you may think Im selfish & believe me when I say I feel that too. But why shouldnt I want to be happy???
My main priority in life now is this growing little girl inside me. I cannot describe the love that I already feel for her. She is my world & I will do whatever I think will be best for her, regardless of whether its best for me or not.
I was hoping that someone would answer who is in a similar situation. Its easy to judge when u havent 'been there, done that' yourselves as I wouldve been exactly the same this time last year.
U cannot help your emotions, its not that easy.

Answer 1

Oh dear!!!
Its all well everybody saying stay with your husband & get rid of the other man but if only life was that simple hey!!?? It would be simple if our feelings & emotions werent there but my understanding is that you care very deeply about both these men. I think it is possible to love 2 men but I think its possible to only be IN love with 1 man & from what I have read, I think its the other man.
I cannot advise you who to choose because as you say, you will always live your life wondering.
I do not think you are selfish & I do believe that you genuinely are in something that you do not know how to get out of. You married your husband & wanted that to last but we cannot foresee how people will change.
I do not know how to advise you but I wanted to just post here to show you abit of support.
If it was so easy to choose, you wouldnt be asking for advise.
There is no need for any critism.
It is obvious that you will be an excellent mother & you love your baby girl & will do anything for her.
Good luck sweety, I hope you find happiness. Please keep us updated xxx

Answer 2

First of all i just want to say how very brave you are 4 putting this on Y/A today,

However I am going to give you the same advice I gave to my mum when she had an affair, i promise i am not being horrible but you need to hear it.

You need to come clean with you husband, You need to explain that you have had an affair, (do not go into the speel of 'we never had sex, i was always alone, it just happened!') he wont be interested, because if you say that it has become like this since you have been married then he will know why it happened. He is going to question the paternity of the child you are carrying and he will not believe you when you say it is his as he will doubt u are telling the truth when you say you havent slept with this other man.

No for this other man, he is only treating you the way he is because you are a challenge to him. You are married he knows that you love you husband but you are wanting attention and that is why he is giving it too you!!

You said in the first paragraph that you both have very stressful jobs. This could be why he isnt interested at the moment sexually, he might be knackered from work, stressed out, and the more you go on at him about it the more he is going to push away!! he clearly wants you child otherwise he would have taken precautions after his first two so that he neednt worry about having more.

I think you both really need to talk to each other and build you relationship again. He needs to be able to forgive you, what have u done exactly with this man?? Kissed him held hands, if you havent done any of that then is it really an affair afterall just a very close friendship??

Talk to your husband sort it out NOW!!

Good luck sweetheart, please try and do whats right!!

Answer 3

In all of this very big mess you made the right decision so far as to not have sex with the other man. I really hope that I can help you with your decision. I too was in the same situation as you are except I did not get pregnant. I fell in love with a man who started off being just a friend. My husband was too busy with his business to pay any attention to me or my son. He is a great man just not a real good husband. This affair lasted 2 years. I went between should I leave my husband or should I end the affair. It was a very unhappy time because I had to make a decision but to make a long story short, the affair ended. He moved to another country and I stayed with my husband and worked really hard on my marriage. I am working on those sparks but this time I am trying harder to get them back. I miss my friend very much but I know in the end it was the right choice. I don't agree with telling your husband everything. I still think that is a very selfish decision. There were many times that I wanted to tell my husband because I felt guilty but at what price? Causing a lot of pain for my family because I feel guilty? You should end this friendship, focus your attention on the baby and the rest of your family. I am here to tell you that you are going to be sad. You are going to miss this other man but I can tell you that 2 years later I know from the bottom of my heart I made the right choice.

Answer 4

I would really recommend sticking with your husband, he works all them hours hes obviously stressed and so are you! But I believe in marriage and would advice you to stay with your husband be the loving wife you are and look after your baby.

You and ur husband are the main role model for your baby and you need to do exactly by dumping this other man, yes we all need to feel loved and its nice to have to get attention elsewhere because it gives a boost and sometimes it sort of good too far (like in Ur situation). I am not judging you as I know I have made mistakes in the past and we all learn from it, I hope you learnt something.

Its like you are being greedy by wanting both, your husband has done nothing wrong but be a loving husband shouldn't you return the duty, I also understand how stressful your job is because I am also an accountant, but listen to your heart, what does it say? follow that guide - take care and congratulations on you pregnancy x

Believe it or not as soon as you have that cute baby you will change instantly i cant explain it you will have to wait another 4 months to find out!

Answer 5

Blimey Confused, you are in a pickle. You love your husband but are in love with this new man. I think you need to ask the new man to step aside for a while. Try your hardest to bring back the sparkle with your husband, and I mean really try, not the half hearted business, put your heart and soul into it. If this doesn't work and you still feel the same. You must tell your husband that you want to separate because you've found you're not happy in the marriage. Then you can turn back to your man friend without feeling any guilt or wondering if you should have tried harder with your husband. that's all I can suggest. Good luck and congratulations on being pregnant with your daughter.

Answer 6

I had an affair too. My husband and I had been married for 7 years when my affair started with one of our close friends. His wife was also my best friend. You never plan for these things to happen. My husband knows about the affair and at first was furious. Then, we tried to make things work between us...but that didn't really work. I always believed he was a good guy, and he is, but I thought he would never cheat. That was before I found him in a chat room talking to other men. He is now considering the possibility that he could be gay. I am still seeing my lover, who is also married and really has no immediate intentions of leaving her...because of his children. I never thought my life would end up like this. I have young children as well, and I am very afraid of how this could hurt them. We are living together, still married, but have resolved to only be friends...which has proven successful thus far. He and I both know about each other's "romantic involvement", but we decided to let each of us be free in those areas. We will get a divorce, but it could be in about a year to two years. We want to get our finances in order as well as our living arrangements. Plus, we have to prepare our children emotionally. On the upside, we get along great as friends! I hope you can gather something from my situation...

Answer 7

It is not your responsibility to correct your husband's behavior. It is your responsibility to correct your own, and to make sure you have the highest quality of character.
You are on an emotional roller coaster right now. BUT, emotions go up and they also come down. Don't make decisions based on emotion, it will always be a mistake. Make decisions based on what is right....emotions will follow. (read some of the other questions and you will see many who are in a mess due to decisions previously made based on emotion)
Your top priority is and will always be your child from now on. And no matter where you live the father of that child has a right to access of that child.
Remove yourself from the emotional affair with the other man and make things right with your husband. Apply the same time and energy (and kindness) to your husband that you give to the other man. Behave this way consistently every day from now on. Your good behavior will create a different atmosphere in your home. Your child should be welcomed into a peaceful home.

Answer 8

Honey, I know how easy it is to feel this way when your man doesn't make you feel like a woman, and feel loved, but you need to work things out with him. I don't know exactly what you have said to him, but does he realise how inadequate he makes you feel. I think you should both see a councilor. Don't wait until it is too late. Tell him the situation is pushing you away, because you just don't feel loved. Could he have a impedance problem? what is it that is stressing him out?
It is natural for a woman to find what they need in another man, but I doubt that is love. You can't be truly in love with more than one person.

You need to ask this other man to back off and let you sort out your stuff with your husband. If he cares about you he will do this for you. When the other man is not there your true feelings will come out. Don't make a hard situation harder than it can and should be.

The worst possible situation for you to be in is to be "choosing" between 2 people because your judgment will be clouded.

Try and dedicate a couple of hours a week for the two of you to just be together, weather you just stay at home, or your go on a date. That's how my sister saved her marriage.

Good Luck Sweetie xoxoxo

Answer 9

We all need to feel loved, and there is just so long you can carry on being faithful, I understand the involvement with the other gentleman, but it is up to you if carry this further but what I will say is.....if you decide that you want to save your marriage you must cut off from the other person straight away them see how you feel......if you can not live without him, then you must leave your husband before you make anyfurther moves.......you sound like a little time alone may be the best advice.......thank god you did not have your baby straight away
that then would have been a different matter

Answer 10

you are in a relationship where no one is truely happy . Get the divorce & follow your dream . Have faith in your decisions . Let your husband be involved in the raising of the child . Your husband is not happy either. Move on. Find your passion in life make dreams yourself . Raise your children w/ happy times ..Find someone who will give you the attention you deserve .Someone who loves the time they r w/ you.... Marriage is about loving each other enjoying time together . The kids are a part of the devotion to that love however they r not the marriage .They will grow up & leave so make sure the devotion is between the two of you & not the kids or you will be forever unhappy!!!!