In marriage when do I say enough is enough?

Question

I no longer love my wife and the only reason I'm with her is because of my 19 month old daughter whom I love so much.

I'm very civil and polite to her, I don't think she really believes that I no longer love her which makes it even harder because I feel sorry for her and am not too keen on breaking her heart.

On the other hand I'm now very depressed and can't even show it at home so I have to keep up a smile and ahappy face....but surely there's a point when I have to stop and say enough of this? can anyone help me here? on one hand I don't want to lose my kid ( which I surely will ) and on the other hand I'm just getting more and more derpressed ... please only answer if you're going to reply decently. Thanks

Answer 1

Feeling sorry for your wife, and trying to protect her feelings is not doing either of you any good. While you may have a smile on your face and say the right things, your wife would be picking up on your unhappiness anyway. She knows how you are feeling but is too frightened to push it because she doesnt want you to walk out that door. Youre not that good an actor....the actual word makes up only about 15% of communication...the rest is body language and your body language would be telling her you now longer love her. She is in denial. You have to confront her....You have to bring your feelings out in the open and discuss this with her honestly. If she trully loves you, she will want you to be happy. If she has any kind of pride she wouldnt want you there out of responsibility and/or guilt. I know I couldnt stand it if my husband was only there because he felt sorry for me. I would hate to think that he doesnt have any confidence in my strength and my ability to cope. If your wife is a decent woman, then you wont lose your child. You would be leaving your wife, not your child. If your wife loves your child then she wont want to hurt her child.

I guess you can stay out of guilt....F.O.G.....Fear. Obligation and Guilt. Your brain is fogged, you are not thinking clearly and staying in a relationship for those reasons will end up making you feel bitter. You are feeling trapped....and all your decisions are based on how she is going to feel. Its all one sided and one sided relationships never work. You will get to a point where you no longer even like your wife and may get to a point where you actually hate her because you believe she is the reasons you are "forced" to stay. It WILL get worse. And you need to resolve this sooner rather than later because I guarantee if it goes on much longer, you will start to resent her. Put yourself in her position.....would you like her to stay with you when you knew she didnt love you? How would that affect your self esteem? You would feel more like a responsibility than a husband.....You may think you are protecting her, but in actual fact you are making her lose her self esteem too. Is that fair to her? Set her free, allow her to do her grieivng and then move on. Doesnt she deserve to be loved sincerely too? For me personally, I need to be loved, and I would hate to keep my husband under false pretenses. Have a bit more faith in her....allow her to be an adult....alllow her the truth. People fall out of love all the time...that is a fact of life.....your wife needs to understand this. You must allow her to be an adult. She is not a child....you are not her protector and she is supposed to be your equal. If she really is your equal, then she will understand.....she will be hurt, sure, but she will survive. You will not lose your child unless you decide to not have anything to do with you child. A sensible adult who loves their child will not want them to suffer deliberatey. Have faith in your wife to know that she loves her child enough to see that using a child as a tool to hurt the other person is only hurting the child. You can still be a wonderful father to your child even if you dont live with the mother. Kids adapt...but just make sure when you end it with your wife, you dont end it with your child. Give her the truth...she deserves it. You are living a lie and you are becoming depressed because of it. Lay your cards on the table. You have a right to happiness and a child should not be a reason you stay in a loveless marriage. It is detrimental to everyone concerned...your child included. You are not being fair to your wife, you are not being fair to yourself.and you are not being fair to your child.

Take care

Dont stay if you dont love her.....all you are doing is hurting her and hurting yourself.

Take care.

Answer 2

Sorry dude, I know you’re in a tight spot. Without analyzing the **** out of your situation let me tell you this. My wife and I are wrapping up the terms of our separation right now and I'll be moving out shortly for what I fully expect to be a permanent arrangement with an eventual divorce. Although there is allot more to our story I think she harbored similar feelings for me as you do your wife. I tried to convince her otherwise and really tried to get her to try counseling or some other form of therapy but she was just not into it and after some time I have accepted that. Bottom line is this...It takes two, if you’re not into it, you’re not into it, and no amount of counseling in the world is going to change that. If you really feel this way I think you would be doing her a favor by starting to make preparations for at least a trial separation, if not a divorce, to really put your feelings to the test before you sign your name to anything. If this stress in your life continues there will come a time when you are no longer civil and polite to her and forcing the issue may turn things ugly. It's unfortunate that there's a young child involved (mine's three, little easier to work with) but be fortunate there is only one and that she's young enough now where she may not feel the effects of divorce as much as an older child would. Also, divorcing these days does not necessarily mean that father's have no parental rights. Things are not what they were 10 or even 20 years ago. Keep it amicable with your wife and you guys can reach an agreement about your child. I've read through several of your other responses and many of them suggest putting in more work or getting help, which is great, but I've learned that it really does take two and sometimes more work and more counseling is simply not enough. Believe me when I say too, I'm a huge proponent of marriage and would have gone to any length to save mine, but where would that leave me 5, 10, or 20 years down the road if I pressured someone to stay who didn't want to?

Answer 3

This is a hard question. After being through a divorce myself and seeing how badly it affects the children of the marriage, I am now an advocate of "staying together for the sake of the children" I think marriage is far to easy to walk away from these days. You say you are polite to your wife and sound like a nice man so there is obviously no nastiness that your little one is witnessing at all. I am probably wrong but if you love your daughter and can be friends with your wife and both you and your wife show respect for each other - stay. Good Luck and I hope everything works out

Answer 4

Do you mean that you are no longer infatuated with your wife?
So the honeymoon is over..it never lasts forever you know. The truth is that most of us, women and men are average. You can have a successful happy relationship with your current wife just as well as anyone else. You only get out of a relationship what you put in. Do you want to have a series of superficial relationships or stay with the mother of your daughter long enough to gain a deeper understanding of what love truly is?
You must also realize that having a small child is a huge commitment that you and your wife have made. With a child this young your wife is overworked, overstressed, and likely upset with you for not helping enough! You are no longer number one in your own life or hers, your child is. That is the kind of self sacrifice that is required to be a good parent. when you accept that her needs are a greater priority than yours you will be on your way to discovering what love really is.
Don't give up so easily!

Answer 5

Try to think about why you fell in love with her in the beginning. What has changed with that? Sometimes it can be from changes that take place in a relationship after there is a child. A mom can get so busy being mom, she forgets to be a wife...or hasn't the energy. Talk to her and let her know how you are feeling. Love changes as we go through stages in our lives.

I stayed in a marriage for 17 yrs because of the kids. I understand being depressed and not happy in the marriage, but I focused on what I needed to do to make a happy home for the boys as long as I could. I felt sorry for him and didn't want to hurt him, but it only caused build up of resentment and then there were ugly blow ups from holding things in. The boys were in high school when we divorced. It was a hard time, but the kids were relieved the stress was gone. Luckily my ex and I are friends, we agreed we are better at that than being partners.

I have lived the other side also, child from a broken home and no one got along. Several sets of step parents. Everyone fighting over us all the time. It was tough growing up that way.

It's a hard decision to make. My best advice is if you can't find any shred of hope in your feelings for her and work on helping that grow, if it is truly gone, then don't just stay for your child. But try to do it in a way you can remain civil for your child's sake. Staying just for the children doesn't show them what a loving home should really be like if you are miserable, they will see it as they get older.

People do fall out of love...but they sometimes just go through dry spells. So which is it really for you? Make you a list of pro's and con's about her, then do one for yourself (be honest), or have her do one on her feelings about you, step back and look at the big picture together. Remember the saying, we can't see the forest for the trees right in our face.

Bottom line you have to be happy with your decision either way to help raise your child in the best way you feel you both should. Once becoming a parent, our happiness comes second, do what's best for your daughter. Good Luck

Answer 6

when you married your wife it woz because thats wot you wanted and now your feelings have changed , a marriage certificate does not guarantee that you will love each other forever and your wife surely doesnt think that it did , of cause your wife will be hurt and you wont feel happy ending it but staying with someone just because you dont want to hurt them or feel that you will lose your daughter is not good for you or your wife and how can you be happy in your life if you are not being honest, you are hurting your wife because you are not being true to her tell her and you will both be hurt but the longer you carry on living this lie you will feel the way you do now , iz this how you want to live only you can decide that i hope you make the right decision and happiness you find you again .

Answer 7

Can you afford/find counseling? You really need to see someone about the depression. Not just for medication (which I'm not a proponent of), but to talk out WHY you're depressed, and why you've decided you're not in love with your wife.

It's not unlikely that you've found the pressures of husband, provider, and father to be more than a little overwhelming. It's probably not exactly the happy time you thought it would be. You need to get some help and see if you can get better.

Answer 8

Well, why aren't you happy?
My father had your attitude and he made my mother's life a misery, with his coldness and his affairs. Our house was hell on earth Before he died, we had an argument, and he said to me"Well, what was I supposed to do? I wasn't happy!"
And my answer then was the one I'm going to give you to. You're a grownup. You're a father and a husband. Sort it out. You have no right to make another person's life a misery. Stop behaving like a spoilt child and put some effort in. Do everything you can to save your marriage and your child's happiness. Stop being so selfish and self centred. You believe you made a mistake - well, tough. Change the mistake by starting to behave like a husband and a father.
Yes, I know the easy way is divorce and I am not advocating that you stay together just for the child's sake and live in misery. The point is - you don't have to live in misery. Change your attitude.

Answer 9

One not ever particularly is aware of one other till they get married or reside in combination and that is traditionally what occurs. When one has to invite this question on an open internet site like this, thats a gorgeous well signal there's a primary main issue of their marriage. Everyone has an extra threshhold of whilst the factor of adequate is adequate hits so you could have reached yours right here and the stresss is taking its toll now. Even if she isnt running she will be able to support with residence chores and make it simpler for you as in any case youre now not a glorified babysitter right here or a Parent caring for their little one. Marriage Counseling can support right here because it offers her any one else to reply to approximately what she does and is helping her set ambitions for herself and learn how to reap them. Try it earlier than you particularly name it quits. Sorry, well good fortune and Happy Holidays

Answer 10

If you cannot contnue like this first and foremost you have to undestand that sitting there and doing nothing will only add to your misery.

If there is anything about your wife thats putting you off and can be worked out between the two of you so be it. Give it a try.

For heavens sake don't stick to your wife because of your kid. She can do without you trying to create a perfect world for her.

Make your wife understand that the kid shouldn't be pulled in to whatever is happening with your marriage.........if she truly loves her kid she'll do whats best for her well being. If not theres always legal recourse.

Answer 11

I am wondering if the depression and the lack of feeling are related?

Have you managed to visit your doctor and see if he can help with the depression at all?

It could be with all the upheaval due to becoming a father and your wife's hormones that although you adore your daughter you are finding your new roles difficult to adjust to? (and trust me most new parents feel that way too)

stay with your wife - keep persevering - get help with your depression until things right themselves again

don't tell your wife you don't love her - tell her you are feline depressed - drop me an email if that helps?