Sensible decision or warning sign?

Question

i am getting married for 2nd time next month. However i have a couple of concerns the first is that i am wary about committing financially to my new husband. We have a mortgage and joint bank accounts but i have a large lump sum that i got from my divorce settlement that i want to keep as a safety net. Do you think this is a warning sign or sensible for modern relationships. I might add that my ex ripped me off financially as i inherited a large sum during our marriage that i had to half with him as i had put it all on the house.
this time i am a lot more wary also my partner has debts that he kept secret from me and yesterday i snooped and found he had an appointment with the bank but i cant ask him about it because i snooped. i asked him what he had done yesterday and he said nothing. he can be very secretive and keeps all his credit card bills at his work. I know everyone needs privacy and i dont want to seem controlling but is ok ?

Answer 1

No, it's not okay. Without trust you cannot have a good marriage. With keeping secrets you cannot have a good marriage. My best advice is, if you have any doubts, you should not marry that person. Remember, there should be NO DOUBTS! I know what I'm talking about.

Answer 2

Well like the old saying goes "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".
Firewall your money. You write "my partner has debts that he kept secret from me" - is this a way to atart a marriage? He is your partner and he has deceived you.
If I bet you half of your lump sum that you were sleepwalking back into the same situation you had previously would you want to risk the bet? I pity you who have "modern relationships" where trust is missing on both sides. Good luck. I suggest you were wrong to snoop but the worst thing is he lied to you about the bank (unless the appointment was cancelled) to find out if he went to the bank you could call and ask if he left his jacket there or something. Not nice but if they say he did not come then the appointment did NOT happen and you can relax. If he was there and they tell you then he has lied. Are you *sure* you want to get married?

Answer 3

There is only one way to handle a relationship.....and that is to keep money issues seperate...all mutual expenses get split STRAIGHT down the middle....that way he doesn't need to constantly throw in your face that you "owe" him and you don't need to do the same either......relationships are about equality in EVERYTHING!!!! Oh, and change the joint bank accounts....my sis was in that situation and her boyfriend got heavily addicted to drugs and landed up cleaning the bank account before she had a chance to buy food or nappies and baby food for her 14 month old little girl.....do you want something like that to happen?

You have your settlement......it's got nothing to do with your relationship.....
He's got his debts....and since he's not telling you about it.....it's his problem....not yours...

Yes, everyone needs their privacy....but to what degree do you keep things private...?

By the way...does he know about your settlement? And the amount?.....just make sure that when you get married, that what's yours is yours and what's his is his.....otherwise he's just marrying you to get rid of his debts....which he won't exactly tell you will he?

Answer 4

Honestly sweetheart, are you sure you want to marry this guy? I mean, if he is being this secretive with you now...is that something you really want to deal with all the time? Having to snoop to find things out, but then not being able to confront him with it? Do you think he could be using you because he knows how much money you have? I would be very careful before you get into this. You have the opportunity to step out now, if you so desire. Be wise now and look at all the warning signs. Don't look back years from now and wish you had done differently.

Answer 5

Instead of keeping it a secret draw up a prenuptual agreement and have him sign it, this protects your assets and at the same time he will be made aware of it. Sounds to me like he has more secrets then you do and I would demand to have a sit down about the money and debt before you enter into marriage...money is one of the biggest marriage killers when handled poorly or kept secret. And when you marry soem of the debts will become joint.

Answer 6

I guess you never had enough time to study your new man before jumping into a conclusive point for a second marriage. From my own perception, he may be an egocentric man who does not want to reveal his weak side....Like you said that you pooked in to see his debts, he may have pooked in to see your wealth too! And since you both seem to be hidding a couple of things from each other, I doubt if that marriage will work.....You're both going into the union with a very high scepticism!

Take your time; talk things out with him. Open up to each other; initiate this heart to heart talk with him, probably you can both make things work. If not, believe you me, your marriage'll probably crash!!! You could be the cause, because you know something he's trying to keep away from you!

Answer 7

Any kind of secrecy , including financial, in a marriage is absolutely not okay. You have to be honest with him about your fears (explain what happened with your ex) and expect the same from him. You are perfectly within your rights to have a bank account in your name only, and you can contribute to it any way you want to, but you must be honest with about the fact that the account exsists just as you must be honest (and he must be honest with you) about every aspect of your life together. Unless you feel you can do that, I'd put the marriage on hold and see a couples counsellor who can help the two of you talk to each other.

Answer 8

I am divorced and dating a man for the past 2 1/2 years, we dont live together, but I see every credit card bill and bank statement he has, I see his paychecks its called trust and being honest... and this man your about to marry does he know about your bank accounts, and bills? if he does that he is hiding something, there is no reason to hide those type of things especially if your getting married soon...

Answer 9

You're on your second marriage so you are a little wiser now.
It may be that your partner went to the bank to discuss his debts and doesn't want to talk about it because he's too proud to.
Being in a couple doesn't mean that you have to share everything and loose your individuality. If you want to keep that money aside (at least for now) it's perfectly OK. You could call it your retirement fund and let it sit in your name for no one else to have access to.
Respect yours and his individuality.

Answer 10

A prenup will keep your money separate. My concern is that he is lying to you already. If he will lie before the wedding, what will he do after? Better discuss this situation with him, or at the very least do plenty more investigating before making the marriage commitment. He is too secretive. I see this as a red flag!!!

Answer 11

If you dont feel ready to commit this lump sum as joint finances you could invest the money in a policy and make your husband the beneficiary to the policy should you die. This way youre sharing it indirectly.