New step mom having problems with real mom and kids!!?

Question

I'm in this relationship and my fiance has a daughter with his wife!! But they have been seperately over a year!! And the son isn't his!!! In the beginning the relationship me and his kids got along great, and then i meet his wife and she brings unneccessary drama and now the relationship isnt the same!!

The son is great, he listens, and is cool besides all he likes to do is play video games and never do family stuff!!
And the daughter is just like her momma, she doesn't listen and she has to have everything her way, and because of her mom talking bad about me to her daughter she is rude,disrespectful!! And this is not like it was.. i won't disipline the kids but my fiance wont either because the kids used to be scared of him!! he gave them whoopins all the time!!
I have tried talking too many times, punishment, and not buying them toys they want but that is not working because mom calls from overseas saying we have to buy whatever they want!! What should I do?? Please help!!

Answer 1

your fiance needs to start dealing with his children and teach them to respect adults. all adults. and as for mom telling you what to buy them i say BS to that she no longer has the rights to tell him or you what you have to buy. sit the daughter down and tell her she is old enough to make up her mind as to whether she likes you or not and she should not dislike or even like a person based on what somebody else says. she needs to learn this. and the more you can teach these kids the better off you are. obviously their own parents won't do it.

also let them know that you are not there to replace their mother but you are there for the long haul and they don't have to love you as their mom but they do have to respect you as their adult

Answer 2

You cannot punish the kids, and you cannot expect them to accept you. Unfortunately, kids feel loyal to their birth parent. Some feel they are betraying their mother if they befriend you. You have to always be pleasant and not get in the middle of the issues. Your fiance has to handle his own kids in some way other than hitting them. He has to be the disciplinarian, and you have to be more of a friend. That is the only thing that will work. You cannot take anything they say or do personally. This is hard for them. Your fiance must make it clear to his daughter that she cannot be rude or disrespectful towards you. When Mom calls form overseas, your fiance should be the one to talk to her. He can calmly explain why he did not buy them the toy and that should be it. Just stay out of the drama as much as possible.
I have to say that your fiance doesn't sound like much. A man should be divorced before he gets engaged, and having his kids afraid of him because of physical discipline isn't a good sign. Remember that a man will always be on his best behavior in the beginning. Once you are married, he will show his true colors. This man may end up being abusive with you when you're the wife. Be careful.

Answer 3

First of all, his ex has no say in what goes on in your household other than if the kids are being abused, then she has a right to go to the authorities and turn it in. You didn't give the age of the kids but it sounds like you and your fiance need to sit down and talk, without kids present, to his ex to try and work out the problems first. If that doesn't work, you need to see a counselor and find out what they recommend in a situation like this. Going to your minister might be beneficial, too. Eventually the whole family needs to get counseling together but they need to work with all of you individually first as they try to get all of you on the same page. Your husband is doing the kids no favors by not disciplining them at all and he needs to tell his ex to back off. I get so angry when parents poison the kids minds ~ they should only know peace and the problems should stay between the parents. I'd think twice about this situation before I'd marry him. This isn't going to get any better, especially since he won't take control of the situation as it exists now. More headaches to come... beware.

Answer 4

until you are married your fiance NEEDS to be the punisher not you.

depending on the girls age it's pretty normal for her to not like you because of what she hears her mother talk about. Don't try to become her 2nd mom or even her best friend, but do try to not yell or lose your cool with her. If she starts to yell at you, be the adult and simply walk away from the situation and relay to her father that he is in need of a one on one with the daughter about how she treats you. A family meeting about respect is long over due and you don't have to buy bratty kids anything.

remember there is a HUGE difference between wants and needs. wants are anything except food, shelter, BASIC clothing and love.

Answer 5

Let the daughter know that you are not trying to replace her mother. Be careful with your words, things like "she is just like her mother" when she acting out is not going to help, she will just resent you more.
If you really want to work things out, you might want to take family counseling, see how they really feel about this whole situation.
Lastly find what interest the daughter and do it together, talk while she is having fun and get in as much quality time as possible.
She might take a while but if you don't give her a reason to hate her than she can't hate you

Answer 6

First, you do not might desire to grant start to a toddler to be a solid mom. It seems such as you're a solid mom given which you honestly care approximately what is going on. might I advise which you nonetheless tutor the youngsters the affection that it seems such as you do. additionally, might I advise which you besides mght lay down the floor rules approximately what's suitable habit and what isn't. you're able to desire to attain that attempting to be your infants proper chum won't continually artwork. young ones choose self-discipline and shape. you are the lady of the living house and that consists of an excellent form of weight. do not difficulty approximately what the organic and organic mom has to declare. Do your proper and save your head up. The organic and organic mom extremely would not care with regard to the youngsters, what she cares approximately is inflicting havoc on your enjoyed ones and he or she would be in a position to apply the youngsters to do this. attempt to have family contributors conferences the place all and sundry can take a seat and show their thoughts. If this would not help, seek for out tips from a family contributors counselor. even if you do, do not supply up.

Answer 7

Well I guess you have a decision to make. This IS NOT going to change. Oh sure, some people are going to say it might, they are going to offer advice on communication, on counseling, on positive reinforcement, blah, blah, blah...

But lets be honest, its really not going to change, in fact, if you get married it is only going to get worse. The ex will become even more competitive, the children will battle with you even more and the guy will either neglect you in favor of his children or even worse neglect his children in favor of you.

Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Lets not forget, statistically speaking, second marriages in which there are minor children involved have an astronomically higher rate of failure then firsts, and for all of the reason you yourself have already listed.

Don't you want undivided attention from your husband? Don't you want a marriage that will last for 50 years. Can you really see yourself dealing with... this... until you are old and gray?

This is the rest of your life you are dealing with here. Make smart decisions.

Answer 8

There's really not much you can do here, hon. Your fiance has to deal with this. He has to be the one to take control of the kids and tell the ex to back off. If he isn't willing to do this, I'd dump him. Otherwise, the entire time you're married to him will be miserable.
BTW, so what if the ex says you have to buy them eveything they want? You don't, you know.

Answer 9

Maybe you should step out of your shoes and into the kid shoes. You may see it from their point of view. Just think about this......It is so hard for us as adults to adapt to change. Do not try to appear as a replacement for the mom. Let them you know from a distance. Give them time they will come around soon!

Answer 10

You're living with a married man and you're expecting his children to respect you? You have GOT to be kidding! You're whoring yourself with a married man and you want respect from his WIFE and children? Whores don't get respect honey, get used to it.