They all give you hugs
They all send you notes
At first you walk with me
Get caught up in the moment
Take a wrong turn
And end up in their arms
So I keep walking
Eyeing the wing
Making sure you weren't walking towards me
I'm sick and tired of this last goodbye
Wake up, go to school
And everythings fine
So, at last I have this one chance
Goodbye
2007-05-10 12:41:25 · 22 answers · asked by !~CoNvErSe~! 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Pretty good, but I have some constructive criticism:
-It was a little unclear and I don't have a grip of the mood.
-There should be more lines between 'Making sure you weren't walking towards me' and 'I'm sick . . .' It seems like part of the tale is missing right there.
-The first 3 or so lines could use some fine-tuning as well. They seemed to downsize the idea of 'getting caught up in the moment'.
2007-05-10 12:48:53 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Need to stick to One subject, Because you started with many, Then went to Personal (you) and ended with another point in time. Try This. He gives me hugs, He gives flowers, He leaves me notes, He walks beside me. I have to admit I was caught up in the moment and took a wrong turn, only to end up in his arms. I tell myself I should keep walking and keep my eyes open for his presence in the wings. I ask myself is this Love and Every things fine? Should I make this my last Goodbye? Are should I wait for that Diamond Ring.It's worth a try. Goodbye.
2007-05-10 20:11:16 · answer #2 · answered by joe_white742 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Free verse is very hard to write..
your poem is good, your feelings come through
however, with much left unsaid
alot of the poem is only understood by you.
the reader gets a sense of feeling but without any
understanding of meaning or cause....
if you want to connect to people through your poetry
express yourself so that the reader understands
the story behind the feelings
Read jangle's response three answers down....
2007-05-10 19:48:55 · answer #3 · answered by Sillira 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's quite good, it involves in-depth thinking like all good poems do. However, it is kind of contradicting in a small way, "I'm sink and tired of this last goodbye" and yet you say "So, at last I have this one chance, Goodbye" You might want to rephrase the second to last line..
2007-05-10 19:46:40 · answer #4 · answered by ConFuSeD 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
That's what I call poetry!!!! I JUST LOVE....LOVE POETRY!!!
Very romantic with a dash of other subjects in there, mix 'em up together and you get a nice, heart-warming feeling inside. Keep up the good work!! ;3
2007-05-10 19:47:31 · answer #5 · answered by .~*:Royale:*~. 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
A rather...I don't know, standard teenage freeform poem. Not my cup of tea, and while sweet, I don't really see that much quality in it. No offence. It is good to see you have this as a hobby though. If you like to write poetry, to going to allpoetry.com :) They are good with feedback.
2007-05-10 19:45:52 · answer #6 · answered by Monica N 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This poems sounds like its dedicated to a high school boyfriend. It needs a little more spice it sounds to simple.
2007-05-10 19:46:54 · answer #7 · answered by Lisandra M 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
That sounds like a freaking song
2007-05-10 19:44:01 · answer #8 · answered by mmsgirl_2014 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
im not sure what your focus it... you should make a title so that ppl know what the oint is. then what "eyeing the wing" and i dont get how its a last goodbye....is this a break up?.. like just try and get over him by concentrating on school yes? but its a lil too ambiguous...for me at least.
2007-05-10 19:49:20 · answer #9 · answered by Poor tom 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Hard not to analyze. Problem with friends I'm guessing?
Not much to say beyond that.
2007-05-10 19:45:43 · answer #10 · answered by Telemon 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋