If you discipline with communication do your children love you less?

Question

I have six children and four are over 18, one is 17 and the last one 15. They all seem to think their dad is a better parent because he hit them, grounded them and even ran them out of the house. He called them names and made them feel small. I on the other hand, never hit my children and talked with them about things and tried to guide them in the right direction and have always been there for them. If they really need money or clothes or help with a bill, I try to do that too within reason. My ex does none of this. When I ask my children if I was a good parent, they say that even though their dad did do mean things to them, he made them better people. I don't understand, I took them to church, to school, let their friends come over and was always trying to keep peace in the family. My husband and I divorced early in their lives and he never paid child support. Can you give me some insight? I guess I can't do it over but I certainly have sacrficed for them and never had anything for m

Answer 1

The difference is that he gets fear and when they mature a little more, you'll get respect. They think they love his style better b/c they didn't see him daily, struggling trying to keep everything together and making sacrifices like they witnessed you doing.
When they become parents they will understand what you did for them. They're young yet, give it time. Take what these adolescents are saying with a grain of salt.
At this age, don't ask them if they think you are a good parent, ask yourself if you've done your very best and if the answer is yes, rest and relax in that knowledge. At this stage,
what do they know about good parenting? Not enough to fill a thimble.
Your husband abused your kids, by calling them names and making them feel small. I would recommend that you do some reading on abusive parenting styles, in that research, you will find that victims of abuse have an allegiance to their abusers sometimes that defies logical explanation.
That's most likely why your children think Dear Ole Dad was a better parent, they have developed a sick relationship with him. And they've discussed it among themselves, deciding that in your perceived weakness, you were lesser. As they mature, they will understand and appreciate what you gave, namely respect and presence. They can't see that yet. Yet.
By the way, that bill of sale about him making them better people, not true, they are saying that because he has told them that, probably more than once. it's the old brainwashing technique, "I'm doing this for your own good." Now, really, do you think he was abusive for their own good Nah! No way! Nada! But the selfish brute had to make them think he was doing it for their own good, sadly, they believed it. One day, the scales will fall off of their eyes. They will come to know the beauty of your sacrifices.
Hope endureth. Love never fails. Peace to you and yours

Answer 2

Think of the word discipline. It has the same route as the word disciple. This is synonymous with the idea of a student.

Often, kids need to know why something is wrong. They need to know how their actions affect others or, in the long run, themselves. If they are quite young, it must be kept simple, but the older they get, the more they can understand.

Discipline is also like a steering wheel or a rudder. It guides and directs. Actually, you and their father seem to have a 2 edged sword. He cracks the whip while you encourage them to be better people. Not the worst combination, really.

Just don't try to be the "better parent". This will show in negative attitude toward their father, which will make you look like you are trying to win them. Make sure that your talk suggest that their dad, although with different methods, has been just as concerned with their raising and outcome as you have been.

No, you can't start over. Neither can Dad, and I would guarantee he has his own regrets. Just keep being Mom. Don't have any tone, wording or slightest hint of judgement about their dad. If they learned from their Dad, be thankful that they had a father who did his best. Let your kids know that you are glad they have a father who loves them.

We, parents, can only do the best we can. We, humans, can only do the best we can. We hopefully learn and try to improve. But, what is done is done. We move on, hopefully having learned something.

Answer 3

Well, I like both of my parents...they're good people.

HOWEVER, I think I have a closer relationship with my mom. My mom was the *mean* parent in our household. She would always yell at us and punish us, spank us if need-be.

My dad on the other hand, he yelled at me one time in my entire life.......ONCE. It was like the worst day of my life, lol. I'll never forget that....it was just so bizarre.....then a couple of days later he apologized to me and told me he shouldn't have talked to me that way.

I do think that the way my mom treated me has made me into a better person. In high school when all of my friends were into drugs and whatnot, I never did any of that....and I think MOSTLY because my mom had a way of finding out EVERYTHING......and I never wanted to do ANYTHING to piss her off once I got old enough to understand how she is, lol.

It's not really something you can understand probably....unless you have a parent situation where one disciplines and the other is more leniant. But I would DEFINITELY say my mom and her *punishing* ways are mostly what formed me into the person I am today.

Answer 4

You babied them and if anything stunted there independence.
By being a punishing force your children learned to do what is right or life will punish them severely. They learned to think beyond the here and now and looking into what the ramification might be because Dad (the law, society, their boss) may find out.

They don't love you less, but you didn't help them become independent.

Answer 5

I think its best to discipline with communication hitting a child never solve any solutions. besides your kids are grow now, if they not in trouble then you did a good job