On the verge of the breaking point...Please help?

Question

Sorry this is long, but i really need help. Please help.
In grade school, I was the kid made fun of. I grew out of that in 7&8th grade, but then home issues started. I won't go into detail, because it was extremely messed up. Every day and night there was fighting and yelling. Then my parents sent me to an all-guys, college prep school. I was a smart kid in grade school, but i was just above average in high school. my parents were not pleased, still holding me to my grade school standards. i seemed to lose focus, and became very angry. things continued as normal, still major problems at home, i still hated school, with almost no friends and constant pressure being put on me. obviously at this point the obvious solution seems to talk to someone, but our family has never been open and talked with each other. also, because of all the problems, i feel like i've been hardened, cause i never wanted to look like it affected me in front of my younger sister.

I had a few friends, but, never having talked with a single person in my life about my feelings before, obviously did not feel comfortable. A couple times I’ve tried, but its just too awkward, and I can’t do it. So now I’m in my junior year. The stresses continued building, and entering the hardest year at one of the hardest high schools in ohio, I began to crack. I had no outlet to relieve all my stress, and started smoking cigarettes. It worked for me, and still continues to help. However, its not permanent, and doesn’t make any problems go away. I’ve been effectively hiding it from my parents, who would absolutely flip if they found out. However, the people I have got to know at school found out, and now just continue to make fun of me for smoking.I know I should stop, but then I wouldn’t know how to deal with everything, and I’m afraid everything would come crashing down.

I also guess I’m afraid to go through withdrawal, having tried a few times before and gotten pretty sick. Now, with everyone at school bothering me, an addictive habit I’m leaning on to get me through every day, a screwed-up home, and a sister to set an example for, I feel like I’m on the verge of the breaking point. I don’t want to talk to councilors or my parents or anyone about that – I just can’t talk to people face-to-face about my feelings. I’ve never done that before, and just feel too uncomfortable. Please, what should I do? I’ve been looking for other stress-relievers, and play piano and harmonica, but it just doesn’t work well enough. I’ve never been suicidal before, but now I’ve been having thoughts. I’m too smart for that, so I’m trying to convince myself that it won’t help. But I feel trapped. What can I do?

Answer 1

I totally know what this feels like, and you are not alone. My advice would be to try to enroll in some type of local support group (you can ask the school doctor for some suggestions), and that will help get you on your way. Hang in there! Everything will be alright, I promise.

Hugs and Kisses,
Miranda

Answer 2

It may help for you to know this is extremely normal. Maybe you can't talk to your fellow students, but I'll bet money many of them feel similar to you.

What I suggest is try to change your perpective. You work hard and under a lot of pressure with little relief. Instead of crumpling under the stress, harness it and make it work for you. Don't look at it as trying to please your parents or the school or anyone. Look at it as you building and preparing for your future life as an adult. Do it for YOU, not anyone else.

What the heck's the difference? One way of looking at it is tragic and helpless; the other is empowering. This is YOU, creating YOUR life, in the future how YOU want it to be. You will be a success and have a better and easier life once you break away into adulthood. You're on an excellent track.

Turning to drugs (like nicotine) and having suicidal thoughts are cries for help. You feel powerless and these are ways you may think of to gain some feeling of control. But nicotine and suicidal thoughts won't really give you control, you have to take it. And all you need to do it is to change the REASON you do what you do, not the actions themselves.

Success is the best revenge. Selfishness can be healthy.

Best of luck to you, you are leaving childhood and becoming a young man.

Answer 3

I had to read your question twice to understand what is going on. Sounds like you`ve always been under a lot of pressure - but you have dealt with it well. However, everybody has a breaking point - and maybe you have reached yours. No, it`s not good to smoke, but when you`re having a hard time and it helps keep you calm - what harm you doing anyone ? Smoking is your own business. Maybe you should say to your friends look i`m going thru quite a tough time right now and don`t feel this is the time to quit, so just bear with me please ? I`m sure they will. There must be someone at school you can talk to in confidence ? There is always someone in every establishment who is there for people going thru a hard time. You are smart enough to know suicide is not an option. What`s happened is you have put yourself on a pedastal - without realising it - and now your sister and parents and other people are saying look at hime he can deal with anything. I know how this feels. It`s almost impossible to say to people look i`m not as strong as you think i am, i really can`t cope ! I`ve been there so i know what you mean. So i think you should be straight with your family and when you feel pressure building say look i really don`t need this, i feel i`ve had enough to cope with already ! Yes, they`ll think what`s up with him all off a sudden....? But there is no other way round it. Don`t try to give up smoking until you feel ready. You will not have a break down. Just shake off some of this pressure. I am a mother of 9 and i have always been the strong one around here - but i tell you, there have been times when i`ve wanted to screa, LOOK I`M NOT THE STRONG PERSON YOU THINK I AM, LEAVE ME ALONE ALL OF YOU !
I didn`t do that - but last year i did make my feelings known. I told my family i felt i had coped with enough and needed some space and time for myself, to do what i wanted to do, and i didn`t want to hear about anyone else`s problems or troubles. I told my sister the same thing. Yes they were shocked but it worked. I felt at breaking point as well. I started to ignore them when they had stuff going on - didn`t get involved - walked away. That`s what you need to do. When it all feels like it`s too much - walk away. It`s alright carrying a heavy load - but you can only carry it so far - then you have to put it down and take a rest. You can pick it up again and continue on your way when you`re refreshed and recovered. So why don`t you do just that ? Put your load down for a while and take a rest ? You sound like a very strong person - don`t underestimate yourself. Good luck and best wishes. x

Answer 4

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Please try to find someone to talk to - you go through dark times in your life but you always find a way out. I had a very close friend who committed suicide in highschool - I always wished he had taken the time to finish school and discover how amazing life can be once you're on your own...your problems will seem so irrelevant to you once you're able to leave them behind you...You only have a year left....stick it out...I promise you that you'll be fine. Would writing your parents a letter to tell them how their constant arguing is affecting you be totally out of the question? It might serve as a good wake-up call for them.

Answer 5

Sweetie you were right and you will explode if you don't try to tell someone. I know its tough but once you do open up it will not be as akward afterwards. Trust me, I have been there and 29 I still feel I have to prove myself to my parents. However, it can stop but you have to take that first step. Would it help to go to someone that you don't know. For instance a group counselor whom you've never met. That way, you don't feel that you are already pre-judged. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to talk; I promise that I will always lend an ear. Best wishes!

Answer 6

I'm sorry you have to go through that. Talk to you parents, are you a little closer to one of them? Sit down with that parent and explain what you're going through. And a physchiatrist or therapist might help you by giving you somebody you can talk to. If you really don't want your parents to know, you could go to your school's physchiatrist if it has one. You could also try and join an online message board. People there won't know you personally so you could talk about problems you're having. And just, reach out to people. Talk to kids you sit next to in classes and make plans with those people you've "gotten to know". Make plans to do fun things to take your mind off of what's going on at home. And try to quit smoking. You said so yourself, people are making fun of you for smoking, so it's obviously not helping you much.

Hope this helps. =)

Answer 7

You know it seems to me that you are a smart guy and you are stressing yourself out way too much. If you feel you can fight the habit of smoking then just do it and if you can't once or three times keep trying. You are in junior year of high school and just think that this year is soon to be over then you have senior year and then you can leave your home and of to college..away from the stress from home. Seriously who cares about the people who make fun of you, who are they to make fun of you? Nobody. You should not feel bad about their jokes or comments. Alot of "kids" just make fun of people then they can feel better about themselves. Its sad,but its the truth. You have to make plans for your future and focus on that and completing that for YOUR satisfaction not anybody elses. Either graduating for college or traveling across the US in your beat up car, you should focus on your goals and what will make you happy and as long as you focus on that then you won't care about anyone else just about YOU. I hope I helped.

Answer 8

i wish i could give you a hug right now, i feel really sorry for you.
please don't commit suicide, you are right , it won't help.try to find an outlet through music, write a song, learn another instrument, anything to express those emotions.
since you don't like talking face to face, why don't you email your school counselor. as for the smoking, eventually it will just add more stress because of the problems it can cause.
for what it's worth, i think it's amazing that you think of your sisters well being, despite your own troubles.

Answer 9

If you have problems talking to people face-to-face, you can try a teen help line. They're free to call, and you can talk to a complete stranger over the phone. It will let you spill your guts and hopefully help you feel better.

I hear this one is pretty helpful

www.neoteenhelp.org

I wish you the best of luck- it takes a strong person to go through what you have, and I'm sure you'll be able to get through it.

Answer 10

If you are afraid or embarrassed to talk with someone you know like a relative, friend, or councelor, maybe you should consider going to someone you don't know. Like a church, even if you are not religious, a priest or pastor, may be able to give you advise. Or at least be able to tell where you could go in your community for help. Know that the pressure you are feeling is okay. It doesn't mean that you are a bad or unworthy person. Please reach out to someone. You are important!!