divorced moms did i overstep my bounties as "step mom" please be honest?

Question

I went with my new husband(been dating 4 yrs) to his childs parent/teacher conference.His exwife found out and went crazy calling the school saying i'm to have no contact with HER childs teacher ect.the reason she was pissed is she wanted to go with my husband and feels i went in "her place".she had her own time to go too but had to go alone without my husband.i think she still has feeling for my husband as all im trying to do is be part of my stepchilds life not replace her as mom and she knows this.

Answer 1

No you did not overstep your boundries. You have every right to go. Just because you are a stepparent does not mean that your role is any less, as long as lyou asre being nuturing and involved. The mother should be thankful you care enough to go. She need to be more functional for the childrens sake.

Answer 2

Call his exwife and ask if you can meet her for coffee to talk. Don't bring her x-husband for this. Tell her that you're very sorry that something like this happened and that you in no way meant to hurt her feelings.What she's reacting to is just that ,it's from a place of hurt feelings.Tell her you have absolutely no intention of trying to replace her position as the kids mother. Assure her that you are only there to aid and assist her if she ever needs it with the kids. Tell her that you are both on the same side and want whats best for the kids.Ask if theres anything that she'd like from you regarding the kids. Maybe she'll open up and talk to you, maybe not.Try not to take anything personally just assume thats she's venting a little about a frustrating situation from her point of view.Try to seem sincere and genuine when speaking to her.Theres not much that you can do if she still has residual resentment about her x-husbands relationship with you but...Shes most likely feeling stressed out and vulnerable now that she's a single parent. maybe you showing up there at school makes her feel bad about herself. She may think that the kids teachers are thinking less of her. because she wasn't there when your husband was.You're going to have to be the bigger person in this situation.I'm sure you're a kind caring person or you wouldn't be asking what to do in this situation.Theres going to be a day when his x wife really does need your help and she'll have to get over her own stubborn pride and accept it.Things will take a turn for the better then.Till then, if you've made the first move and put out your hand as a gesture of polite friendship then she'll have to see you in a different light.Good luck.

Answer 3

I think since she had her own appointment scheduled to talk to the teacher she's trying to be impossible. You are also involved in your stepchild's life and should be kept up to date on her education. I think its great that your husband attends these things at all. Many divorced fathers do not. I think if she had a problem she should have contacted you and your husband directly, not the school. Imagine how schools feel being put in the middle of these types of arguments. This is your chance to try to be the bigger person here. She might not get it but your conscience will be clean. Write her a note explaining how you feel and how you felt it was important that you be with your husband. Try to put her at ease about her place in your child's life. This can't be easy for her either. I'm sure emotions are high for all involved. I think if the adults in a child's life can't be mature and get along, it only hurts the kids involved. Explain to her that you are not trying to take her place at ALL but that you do have an interest since this is the child of your husband. She sounds kinda psycho to me, I'm sure there are books out there on how to deal with this. The cool thing about a problem is someone else has already been there and probably written a book about it! lol. Good luck and hang in there.

Answer 4

That's a tough situation. The most important thing is that the child is not put in the middle of the drama. The ex-wife might have feelings for him, after all she was married to him for a reason, and she also may feel threatened by you. She doesn't want to feel replaced. I think I would write her a letter and let her know that you are not here to step on toes or replace her, that you just want to create a good relationship with the child and you have the child's best interest in mind. If it becomes a huge problem than there's nothing you can do. Some people are just irrational and you can't change how she feels towards you. Just keep being the good step-mom that you are.

Answer 5

I don't see anything wrong with you going with your husband to the conference as long as your hearts intent was pure. You can't be married to your husband and try to make his ex-wife happy. If she is jealous, insecure or easily offended there is simply no way to achieve that goal. The only thing you may be able to do is try to talk with her and establish boundary lines when it comes to your step-child and make very sure that your step-child does NOT play all the parents involved and your husband does not allow you to fight this fight alone. And make very sure first of all that you and your husband are a strong front in every situation and are in complete agreement. It is likely that both your step-child and the mother will try to control your marriage, your husband and your home. Read as much as you can on step parenting, marriage and maybe even strengthening your self-esteem. Being a "new wife AND a step-parent you are definitely going to need it or marriage/ personal counseling. Good luck and stay strong!

Answer 6

I am a teacher and I run into situation this all the time. Usually for the good of the child a settlement is reached. This year I have all 4 parents REAL AND STEP come in for conferences. They wanted it that way. They show the kid that they can get along and they ALL care about his success.

That mom is still bitter and jealous....she needs to get over it for the kids.

Answer 7

My domestic partner of 2 years, 5 year relationship, attends the parent conferences whenever he is available. He is an integral part of the decision making made on behalf of my son, and I greatly value his input.

The fact that my partner attends does not invalidate his father's responsiblity or right to be there.

The ex-wife needs to start taking responsibility/ownership of her own decisions. She knew the conference date and chose not to attend. She schedules separate dates for herself and the kid's dad.?? I'm surprised the school would do that.

Ex has some serious growing up to do. Anytime anyone is willing to share a loving, healthy relationship with your child, your only response should be "Thank you."

I want you to show this response to your husband. Just in case he has any doubts about how valid it is for you to act as this childs stepmother. Kudos to you for participating in this child's life.

I'm sorry you have to take grief for simply doing the right thing.

Answer 8

I am a seperated Mom. I understand why she was upset (its territorial and because I understand does not mean I agree!) but she has no right to be. Her ex (your hubby) is still playing an active role in his kids life and the fact that you are sharing in this responsibility makes you a good step mother. I would love it if my "ex" would play a part in our kids life. It is so sad that jealousy can hurt so many people. You keep doing what you are doing. She has to come around.

Answer 9

Yes, it sounds like she's still in love with him.
NO, I don't feel you over stepped anything. It sounds to me that your a new step mom who cares about her step children.

Your going to have to put up with all of her antics tell the child is gone from home! kep the war boots on!! :-)

As long as you be a step mom and not a hateful step mom against the mom, you'll do ok. NEVER, NEVER speak bad about the MOm in front of the kid. NEVER!! It's not worth the grief or pain it will cause you.

Answer 10

well that is hard but if you just went to be with him isee nothing wrong with it but the step thing gets hard as alot of mother feel your trying to take their place and that is not always true some time people just want little things like this to make a big deal of i would not try to but in but sure what is wrong just going with him i see no wrong in it
did she go at all or is it a thing she just wants to make a deal out of?
if you and your husband get along fine and you dont butt in in the family rules dont worrie about her
sounds like she is a unhappy mom she will be fine