MEN...(and wise women)..Need a serious opinion!...?

Question

Recently, my Husband of almost 5 yrs. told me he was going to the DMV the same day he knew I was scheduled to workout w/ a girlfriend of mine at our apt. gym. He also promised me he would come right back after doing his business at the DMV.
I waited hours for him and so did my girl/friend which was expected since he was at the DMV...
However, when he came back, he had a store bag of stuff, and a new haircut from the barbershop. He said he went there after the DMV.
I told him his hair looked good but I was waiting on him to get back and since I was a bit upset, I said he was being unreliable. He's now furious at me for calling him unreliable and demands an apology. Am I being too harsh, or does this sound as inconsiderate as I feel it is?...Thanks in advance for your help. :)

I'm sorry...I needed more details here...
He always does this kind of stuff!..I ask him to be available at a certain time to go out together, or so I can (rarely) go out on my own, and he's never there when I ask it of him, even when he promises that he will be!

The reason I had to have him home before me and my friend could work out, is because we have a 4 yr. old, no sitter, no family here...no one else to watch him but me and/or my Hubby.

No way!...My friend was no where near when I told him that I felt he was being unreliable. I'd NEVER embarass him like that!.. No, she was waiting at her house for me to meet me at the gym when he was done.

I HAD let this go, but he keeps bringing up how upset he is that I called him unreliable! It makes me feel badly...but I also feel that I'm right, so I don't apologize... Am I wrong to stick to my principles like that? Should I say it anyways jst to keep the peace and get him to stop holding it over my head?...

Answer 1

Sometimes us guys just don't think in reliable terms. At least you know where he went, you could follow his trail. He wasn't out chasing other women or getting into trouble by drinking and partying.

Answer 2

From what you have said I do not believe you were too harsh and you don't owe him an apology..You do have to tell him that when your plans are dependent on what he says or does then before any deviation can be allowed you should be consulted. I would say that the best thing you can do is sit down across the table and talk this out...I suspect that if you did apologize then he would consider the matter taken care of but then the fact that he left you hanging wasn't addressed was it....I have seen a lot of people that will accuse someone else of anything rather than admit they ever did anything wrong so be sure that you bring any conversation with your husband back to the point at hand rather than have it devolve into name calling or demands for an apology....

Answer 3

First of all, if this is habitual(repeated often) then we can safely say, your husband has 1) no interest in taking care of his child while you go out 2) he wants to control the situation and keep you inside.

Do you have your own job? Can you organize a babysitter yourself? Or does your gym provide someone who can take care of kids while you workout? You need to find a buddysystem or someone in your building who can babysit for you, because your husband is unreliable. Don't apologize, and no you are not being too harsh. I have a 6 year old and my husband works long hours and if I think he isn't going to make it, I have plan B. A neighbor, a teenage babysitter, a family member, someone. Build your support system, it might scare him a bit. He is inconsiderate to your feelings and needs and I'm just guessing that not just in this area. You can't change him, but you can change your situation.
Good luck!

Answer 4

Oh Boo-hoo, poor man. He got his little feeling hurt. Tell him to grow up. He is a unreliable and inconsiderate jerk, and he keeps proving it again, and again, and again. Why do you keep putting up with a man you can't trust to EVER put you first for once in his life? I think you both need some marriage counseling. Maybe that will make him see what he's doing to you. The people who answered before me, have a good point about not making a big deal about this incident, but they have never lived with a person who constantly doesn't do what he says he'll do. After the first couple of years, it gets real old quick. You stated that he knew you needed him home as soon as possible, so you could finally have a little time on your own. He screwed up, not you. Good luck.

Answer 5

When we are upset and need to complain, let us always attack the issue and not be personal.When you said he was being unreliable, it was a personal attack. You did very well by praising the haircut and could have scored more marks by just saying,"however you are a bit late for my liking, but you have been forgiven". Remember we need to forgive each other in marriage, but if an apology is rendered, treat it as an icing on the cake.

Answer 6

I'm sorry, YOU ARE being rediculous. If he does this kind of stuff all the time maybe you should hire a babysitter every now and again. Sometimes all people men and female lose track of time. Since all you were planning was a workout and the gym is right there you could have done it anytime. He shouldn't owe you a thing, since he does it all the time according to you Maybe he just needed some time for himself. It's inconsiderate on your part to expect more than he is willing to give you can't blame him for getting mad.

Answer 7

i dont see the problem. If you did not say this in front of your girlfriend. He was being unreliable, dont feed into his ego.
If he told you he would be right back and didnt knowing you are waiting on him, then he should have shown up, or run the risk of you losing respect for him. If you opinion of him is that important that he has to pout about your compliant, then he should have kept his word.
You are right to put your foot down and let him know that when he does this kind of stuff, your opinion of him changes.
Don't stroke his ego, it was irresponsible and he needs to apologize. It is a mind game. My husband use to do the same when he was younger and immature.
He knows better now.
He needs to admit he was wrong and apologize.
You are his wife and he cant get mad at you for expecting him to keep his word.

Answer 8

I don't think you should have called him unreliable because he went and got a haircut after the DMV. BUT he should have called you if he said he would come right after. It's not really fair for him to make you wait while he is out doing whatever he wants. He should have made the call and you should have told him you were upset because you have a right to be. But I don't really think he was being unreliable. Just being a guy and forgetting. And if he was only getting a haircut and shopping I wouldn't really be that mad.

Answer 9

Let it go, pick and choose your battles. Who knows if you stop getting upset maybe he'll come around a little. It works. Did you advise him prior you him departing? Men do not do details. Everything you say is minimized into manly short hand, and stored in boxes. Key points trigger these boxes. Chance are, when you spoke to him he was in his nothing box. The one that doesn't remember anything because he is vegging on the couch watching a favorite show. Women remember every detail, because they are fueled by emotion. One emotion sometimes opens up many others. Like wires connected to everything she thinks about. I hope this helps. "Laugh your way to a better Marriage" An Expensive DVD collection, but a very good one for you both to watch.

Answer 10

You are both right. What you said had a ring of truth, and the truth always hurts. In his mind he is probably thinking of how he works and pays the bills. He also thinks he can take advantage of you. As well as he should. You know their is no sitter available to you, so get one. Most of your local preschools have drop in care that usually cost $30.00 per day. It is not a whole lot when you think of their cost and what they do. Find a way to compromise with him, and yes even though you are right, your words still hurt and you should apologize for the simple fact that your words did hurt your husband. Men IQ are measured in inches a simple fact that I remind myself of often when dealing with the stuff my husband pulls all the time.

Answer 11

Absolutely unreliable, no question about it. He should have apologized to you, and his demand of an apology from you is consistant only with a man who regards himself as above reproach. Any Husband, or boyfriend for that matter, that cannot show you the respect he expects in return does not deserve an apology for HIS misdeeds. Don't even consider it. If you apologize, it will only make you out the fool. Husband or not, He's Wrong, and needs to admit it.
Best Wishes...