I'm 35 weeks pregnant (On Sunday). My boyfriend is always drinking.... smoking... and sometimes doing other drugs.
Last night I told him he had to either pick
a) The baby and me.
or
b) The drinking... drugs... and people he has been around.
I also told him that if he was going to pick the baby and me that he would have to stop drinking... doing drugs... and he would have to be home with me everynight at a decent time. (Not 3 or 4 in the morning).
He said I needed to stop worrying so much... but that he was going to pick the baby and me.
I have given him soooo many chances... what do i do IF he messes this one up? I'm praying and hoping he won't... but what do I do if he does? How can I just walk away and tell him he blew the chance he had with both the baby and me??
Help me please!
2007-05-10 08:23:27 · 50 answers · asked by ? 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
If he was going to choose you and the baby he would have done it already. He made his choice and you have to do what's best for you and the baby. You need to get away from him and make plans for the future ASAP. The smoke is not good for either of you and of course neither are the other habits. If he ends up changing his ways then he can make that commitment and you can make the choice to give him a chance at that point. You can't wait for him to grow up, you have someone else to think about. For the time being, you may want to consider moving in with family or someone that can help give you the moral suport you're going to need. Good luck!
2007-05-10 08:31:24 · answer #1 · answered by Marianne D 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
How can you walk away? Easy. You say, "You ****head, you messed up. This is a baby, the only real important thing in your life, and you chose the instant gratification of drugs and alcohol. I will not tolerate you ****ing up my child because you are still a child. See you in court for support."
Sorry to be harsh, but this is a baby you are talking about. I made that difficult choice myself - a boyfriend/baby's father who treated me poorly (emotional abuse). I gave him chance after chance. He even lied to our counsellor when we tried couple counselling. It was a horrendous, awful pregnancy experience (I allowed him to ruin what should have been a wonderful time, by belittling me every time I felt happy, refusing to take part in planning, telling me I'd better not show him anything to do with the baby lest he guess the sex then telling me I wasn't ready to be a mom because at six months I didn't have everything all set up...), and an even worse postpartum and first six months. I heard the "You worry too much" BS too.
Breaking up with him gave me such a feeling of relief. I could relax and enjoy being a mom, finally.
The more chances you give him the more he will think he can get away with. We're not talking about trivial matters like washing dishes, either. You're 35 weeks pregnant, labour is imminent, and he's out until WHAT time in the morning?
Stop giving him chances, and give yourself and your baby a chance, okay?
2007-05-10 08:34:19 · answer #2 · answered by melanie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave him, get out and get family support. If he really wants to be with you and the baby then tell him you'll consider it once he has cleaned up his act, and that you will not move in with him again until he has shown you for (pick an amount of time at least a month) that he has changed his ways. You are bring a child into this world and it is hard enough to raise a child without having to worry about an immature guy. He helped make the baby, your not the only one who needed to make life changes, just because he isn't the one carrying the baby doesn't mean he can be irresponsible
2007-05-10 08:32:01 · answer #3 · answered by Stacy M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ultimatums should be just that - the final chance. if you told him it's his last chance then you have to make a stand and follow through. i had a similar situation & i can tell you that until the baby is actually here, the baby's dad will not see things any differently. he is not nearly as aware of the baby as you are since you are carrying it, not him.
after my baby was born, i told my (then boyfriend, now husband) that he no longer comes first. that if he ever makes me choose between the baby and him, he loses. period. (he chose me & baby)
after the baby is here in your arms, you will feel an overwhelming sense of wanting to protect the baby no matter what. that includes taking him away from a drug addicted father. the baby is your first concern and deserves the best, no matter what you and the baby's father have been through together in the past, the future is all that matters now.
do not make a mistake that you will regret forever. if baby's dad doesn't shape up by the time baby is born, take a break & seperate from him until you decide if the baby's dad is going to change and if he is doing more to help or harm.
ps you need to know that he will probably mess up at least one more time, and probably several more times.
2007-05-10 08:31:04 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he continues with the drinking and drugs you walk away. You ask "how can you walk away?", easily. You are now a mom and you love your child more than life itself. When your baby is born you will understand what real love is and you will be compelled to do whatever it is you need to do to protect your baby. You will understand that this baby needs you and that YOU are the only person to protect him from all the bad things in the world, which might even include a father who is not going to be a productive figure in your baby's life. I was a single mother, and in a similar situation as you. I left my daughters father and found it very easy to do because of the love I had for. That doesn't mean I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for choosing such a poor excuse for a father, but I knew we would be better off without him -- and we have. My little angel is now 10yrs old. Her father took years and years to grow up and is barely now starting to realize the error of his ways, but thankful not to the detriment of my daughter. She was well protected and had all my undivided love and attention.
If he is no good for you, he is no good for your baby. Leave him. He will be the father that he will be and unfortunately you can't make him be a "good" father, that is something he has to do on his own. It seems from what you have described of him, he is nowhere near fatherhood. He is still enjoying his own selfish wants and desires.
Just remember that you are a mom now, that baby is counting on you. Love your baby above all and the right decisions will come to you easily.
2007-05-10 08:38:23 · answer #5 · answered by gg55 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You didn't really say what "always" means in terms of frequency. Is he otherwise responsible (have a decent job, car, etc)? Is he ever physically or emotionally abusive to you? If the answers to those questions are no then maybe there is hope. Some guys are so freaked out by the prospect of real responsibility (a baby) that they go overboard with the bachelor life before the baby is born. Also, ultimatums are a dangerous thing so be careful.....no one likes those and you make not like the outcome. Are you really in love with him?? Perhaps you could try going to some parenting classes together and birthing classes. good luck.
2007-05-10 08:32:19 · answer #6 · answered by incubator 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's what happened with me. Well, he wasn't even doing that much. He just didn't have a job and wouldn't help around the house. I was two months pregnant and I told him to get the hell out. I told him that I wasn't raising two children. If he couldn't help out, he needed to leave. So he left. If your guy is decent, he will still be involved with you and the baby. He just won't be causing you so much trouble and pain. Get rid of him. You shouldn't have to make him chose...he should have started acting right when you first got pregnant. Kick him out. If he chances - and proves that he's really changed - you can give him another chance then. But for now, you really need to worry about yourself and your baby. Congrats on the baby, and good luck to you! It's hard, but you can do it!
2007-05-10 08:50:20 · answer #7 · answered by aerofare 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh you poor thing. I can't imagine what you are going through or the future decisions you will soon have to make. Threatening someone to stop drinking and doing drugs will not happen overnight. YOUR 1ST SIGN that you should loose this guy even though it's SO hard is: WHEN he told you to stop worrying that he would "probably pick you and the baby." What a loser! I'm so sorry... you and your baby are so precious,,,and deserve a life with a MAN that is dedicated to putting his family first. Not a selfish, immature boy who has to think about what to do! Your baby is so precious...you should want more for them in life,,,and a life with a dad who drinks and does drugs is NO life for a child. No matter what he says,,,he will not change UNLESS he is going to PROVE himself over and over by: A.)GOING TO CHURCH every sunday and on his knees thanking God for you and his baby and asking for forgiveness for his actions. B.) Is at home early...ready and willing to prove to you he is different! Those that stay in church whole-heartidly,,,never drift away from good. My advice is to run as fast as you can...and find that guy who respects you enough to put God, you, and that baby first in his life!!! You deserve it!
2007-05-10 08:35:08 · answer #8 · answered by Bunintheoven 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, as hard as it would be to stick to your guns (ultimatum) you must! You can't effectively change anything with empty threats. I don't care how much you love this guy...how good he makes you feel...or what lies he might be feeding you. If your baby means to you, what a baby should mean, then you would not risk his/her well being by putting her in a volatile situation.
Not only do you run the risk of losing your baby to the state because of your guys mistakes, you also run the risk of your baby's life. Drugs and alcohol can make the nicest people do the meanest things. They become self-focused and aren't concerned about anyone else. The addiction controls them, even when they want to make the right decision. I'm not saying your guy can't turn his life around, because I have full faith that if someone is willing to do the hard work and turn their life around, it can be 100% effective! So don't give up if he's truly willing to get help and work on his addiction. But don't risk your baby just because you're afraid of being alone...or because you really love this guy. He's an adult and can fend for himself (and should be). Your baby has no one but you to depend on...and if you're not there for them, who will be?
I wish you the best of luck in this situation! This is so very hard for any mother to go through, having to make this kind of decision. I hope, for your family as a whole, that he really sees he needs help, and gets it!
2007-05-10 08:31:04 · answer #9 · answered by nlacey0101 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can't tell u what to do. But what i do know is that as a mom u need to go with your gut instinct and what u feel is right. I left my husband for that very reason so u can do this :) If he isin't willing to change then u change something by leaving and making a better life for your child and if he wants to be involved then let him but only if it is a positive influence and he shows genuine interest. You know what to do i think u r just scared to go through this alone, but even if u stay u may still be alone so what is the diference? Don't waste your own life or time for someone that won't change. But if u feel truely that he will then by all means give him a chance but only one.
2007-05-10 12:54:16 · answer #10 · answered by cher 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋