am currently having marital problems. I am 30 and my wife for 7 yrs. is 34. We have 2 kids 6 & 4. My wife told me she was not in love with me any longer. She had been feeling this way for some time but never revealed her true feelings to me until now. To her, our marriage is over and there is no chance for recovery. She is determined to find her "happiness" somewhere else. All this time I thought I was providing her with all the happiness she wanted -- emotionally, mentally and physically. I don't drink, smoke, and I'm not abusive to her or the children. But for some reason I'm not worth a second chance. She wants to continue to stay here until we can financially afford to separate. But I'm living an emotional roller coaster. I never thought she would stop loving me. What can I do to save my marriage when she is so determined to be by herself. She tells me she wants to find her happiness with herself. What can I do? I will always love her and do not want to lose her.
2007-05-10 08:02:08 · 60 answers · asked by Angelboy00 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
moose- she is not seeing anybody at all
2007-05-10 08:13:55 · update #1
My husband and I separted a couple of years ago (he left me). We also had a child and had to put off divorce for financial reasons. I took advantage of that time to get myself together. I realized that I had put so much of my time and energy into our child but not into our marriage. There just wasn't much there anymore. So I started going to counseling on my own. It was very helpful. In the beginning I was hoping it was the answer to saving my marriage but after a while it stopped being about him and became more about me and my own personal happiness. I could not get my husband to go to counseling with me. I couldn't even get him to do a phone session with my counselor. I continued my counseling and read a lot of books on marriage and separation. I found that the more I tried to hang on to him, the farther I pushed him away. I saw a divorce lawyer. I had the papers. I just couldn't do it. This went on over the course of a year. We continued to see each other and talk almost daily because of our son. We did family functions together because of our son. Then the most amazing thing happened, we started wanting to do things together because of each other. Somehow, we found our spark again. It wasn't until I stopped focusing on him that he became interested in me again.
So, basically, you need to focus on you and your kids and not on her. Don't try to keep her close to you, let her go if that is what she wants. Don't pursue her but let her know that you still love her and want to work on your marriage. Start seeing a counselor on your own. Check out these two books: The Five Love Languages, Hope for the Separated - both by Gary Chapman. He is a Christian author but if that is not your thing you can breeze over those parts and still get some really good info.
You will get through this. It is tough but whether you guys are able to work it out or you end up divorcing, there is a better life out there for you than what you have now which is living with someone who doesn't value you.
2007-05-10 08:18:41 · answer #1 · answered by Jbuns 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sincerely sorry for what is happening to you. I honestly know how you feel. I don't know if it helps to say I've been there, but I have. You already know you can't make someone love you. This is a truly unfortunate situation for all involved. My advise would be to get away from her as soon as possible. You will not be able to start the grieving process while living under the same roof. It is too confusing and painful. You have to get away from her so that you may start to heal.
Also, everything you say/do is behavior modeling for the kids. They will need to see healthy relationships in order to have healthy relationships themselves.
This will sound a bit cliche but it is so true: you deserve better than this! Do you really want to be with someone that doesn't love you 110%? Why should you want her when there are opportunities for you to have someone that's absolutely crazy for you?
I was in your situation for ten years. When I look back I'm really sorry that I waited so long to leave. I'm really sorry for the way it affected his kids. I'm really sorry I didn't marry my current husband 14 years ago. I had no idea how happy I could be. I wake up every day and am grateful for the life that I now have. Reach out to others. They will help you.
You didn't have to do anything wrong to make her stop loving you. She just did. You are not a bad person. You deserve better.
2007-05-10 08:23:25 · answer #2 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am sorry to say this - but you never had "HER" in the first place. You had what she thought she was supposed to be. It is one of the pitfalls of marrying young. Right now she is realizing (& you should to try and figure out what sparked this new found realization) - but she's under the impression that life is greener on the other side of the fence. It could be that stress from financial hardhsips, overwhelmed by the demands of being a mother and other things may be taking their toll. Give her some space & be prepared in the event that she goes all out for a divorce - by this I mean protect yourself from being taken advantage of - not that she would - butit happens). If you provide her some space - be sure you tell her she must be willing to leave the house - get her own place, but leave the children with you as you think it would provide them a bit of stability while she goes out and explores the world around her. Hopefully this initself will snap her back to reality. If not - this happens more then what you think and once the divorce is final, the gorgeous house has a new woman sleeping in her bed and a new potential step mother to her children creeps into the program, they learn just how blue the green grass really is. Either way - she'll come around or she won't - in which case - plan ahead - be strong for your children and fight for them - don't get rapped in the court system - and ALWAYS remember - sh'es the one who decided to leave - if she does - she walks & is on her own!
2007-05-10 08:22:04 · answer #3 · answered by martiek7 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sorry to hear that. Hate to tell you this but a nice guy (not drink, smoke, drugs, abusive) only guarantees you are a good father -- the "happiness" your wife yearns for might just be some bad boy.
You have 2 options. Option 1: beat your head against the wall to see if she will love you back, good luck. Option 2: accept it and plan to move on. You have brought 2 kids to this world and you should focus on them now. Your wife might take them away from you or might not. What do you want to do? Time to step up as a man, the father of your children. Don't torture yourself in that emotional stuff because it really doesn't do you any good.
It appears that you two are not financially stable. Anticipate what kind of damage the divorce will have on you raising the kids. Plug any holes now so she won't drag the family into big debts. Use your head now and not let your heartache ruin you.
2007-05-10 08:18:02 · answer #4 · answered by Sir Richard 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I know this is hurtful, but you need to realize that this situation is just the way it is, from your Wife's standpoint.
You now have choices and you CAN find another person who would share the same needs as you have, and it's OK. This IS not in any way selfish nor unreasonable. Like the songs says " I can't make you love me if you don't" Those are very true words that your wife spoke to you, believe me I know. That's the way it is! To me, I feel that some people marry because they "settle" for the other person, and it might be ok at the time, but, at times, people "outgrow" each other as getting older and no one is at fault for this. We all change some way or another. So it's about the children now, Love will find you when and where you least expect it! Who knows maybe even from your wife again.
2007-05-10 08:14:58 · answer #5 · answered by WhyNotMe 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry, I'm sure you're really torn up inside. What about marriage counseling? If she's already to the point of saying, "it's over", it probably is. It would have been nice if she'd have told you early on that there was a problem, maybe then y'all could have fixed it. You are not at fault for this, you sound like you've been a great husband and father. I know you love her, but I don't think you'd be happy living with someone who doesn't love you back. I'm sure you'll find someone else who will love and appreciate you the way you deserve to be. Hugs.
2007-05-10 08:14:32 · answer #6 · answered by swrong 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well with her strong determination to leave it may be too late and its too bad that she didn't have the respect to tell you sooner so that the marriage could be fixed. I hate to say this to you but it seems as though she has already "found her happiness" in another man. You dont just stop loving someone at the drop of a hat. She loves someone else and has for quite some time. It is not ok for you two to live together until "financial stability" comes around. It is going to make it harder on you. She was a big girl and made this choice and now she should be big enough to get on with it if she doesn't want to be with you. I would fight my life away for those kids.
2007-05-10 08:10:36 · answer #7 · answered by Jennifer K 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yeah, do you want to marry me???
No just kidding.
SHE IS AN IDIOT.
You need the SHOCK value. Something equivalent of a high voltage electrocution without dying. Maybe emotionally detach yourself for a couple of days. She how she reacts if you follow HER lead. If she gets hurt, she probably still is in love with you, and she just forgot that that love she feels all of the time is not normal for just anybody... and she won't get it anywhere else. Then give her a chance to come back to you... don't run to her, maybe you have been doing to much of that for her in the past. Always making everything OK for her could probably get boring after a while.... Also it can make her feel TOO GOOD about herself to the point where nothing is good enough for her. Make it her fault, because it is... You didn't do anything wrong.
She isn't actually unhappy she is unsatisfied. Whether she is a trouble-maker and hasn't been making enough, or she is to the point where everyday is like the one before, she is not excused for her stupidity at attempting even leaving one of our FEW GOOD MEN that us women have in the world. I am myself married to the alcoholic.
2007-05-10 08:22:01 · answer #8 · answered by marymouse26 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This sounds cold and callous, but it will help you see if there is any true feelings left in her. Sounds like she is more bored than unhappy and looking for some kind of spark to liven things up and she is mistaking the same old routine of life as being unhappy and no longer in love.
First thing you need to do is just flat out ignore her unless it has to do with the children or something important, like paying the bills. Don't chase her, don't beg her, don't ask her for her help on anything. Just do what you need to do and be 100% totally happy without any interaction from her at all.
Next, tomorrow, make sure she is going to be home with the kids, and plan to go out. Don't tell her where you are going, don't tell her when you will be home, don't tell her who you will be with or what you will be doing. Just come home, make sure the kids are taken care of and go. If she asks where you are going, just say you are going out since your marriage is over. Explain nothing else, just go.
Remember this: She is not your mother and you do not have to answer to her at all. If she gets mad at you when you get back, just ask her why it matters to her if your marriage is over and she wants out? Take full control of this and put her on the defensive. If she says she does not mean it and she wants to work it out, do not give in right away, still remain distant and tell her that you are afraid she will just change her mind and you are not convinced her feelings have really changed.
This will take her out of that comfort zone she is in and if she really does love you, she will fight to get back in it. If she does not care and could give a rip that you go, are gone or what you are doing, then you will have to accept the fact that she really does not care any longer and decide what to do from there.
2007-05-10 08:45:24 · answer #9 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Things like this happens to alot of people. All you can do is evaluate the situation,figure out how and why now she decided to make this change.If you can't spice things up romance her and bring back the flame of love for you in her eyes she's probaly on her way gone. But look here the most important things are the kids, you can find love like or better for a woman than what you had specially if she can turn her back on you after all these years. I say be strong, focus on your kids thats where your love should be they can never leave like that. Find a real woman keep thing wild and lively. Think of this as a good change, upgrade younger, hotter wilder be the first 1 lookin for that new squeeze believe me they are out here.
2007-05-10 08:33:59 · answer #10 · answered by the answer 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋