Family crisis in need of help?

Question

Ok this is not short but i will try. My Grandad has been married to my grandma for over 40 years (in their 60s) He has been really faithful and a pastor for 30 years. The last 2 years (only the last 2) he has been very sneaky and we found out he was cheating with another woman of the church. When confronted he tries to make us feel guilty for finding out. recently we found out his has been renting another place for 3 months now where they can meet up. My Grandma does not know everything yet. How would you deal with something like this because we have a big family (i have around 30 cousins and like many many aunts/uncles) just on my moms side alone. Its affecting the whole family and many have looked up to him for so long they dont know how to handle this.. What should they do? Tell my grandma who is having bad medical problems? How do you grieve with something like this? In my heart he is not a bad man even though my mind sees him as one. Any advice? please serious ones only. Thanks

You just have to understand how close my family is... My whole family lives within a 5 mile radius and they work together and see each other pratically every day... we have always been a close family...

my family is really close and talks about things like this too lol trust me she is not choosing for him to be with another woman. As a matter of fact the woman he is cheating with asked why my grandma didnt like her a few weeks ago (playing stupid)

Answer 1

This is a tough one.... First off im stunned. Kind of speechless, but its proven that mean hit their sexual peak in thier late 60's. This could be a phase, but it could also mean he has fallen out of love with your grandma. Even though they have been married, he could have just been with her for convienence. It sounds horrid, but true. This is such a sad story. I would confront the woman who is having sex with your grandpa first. Make her aware of what is happening, and tell her to grow the F up. Tell her everything. Then confront your grandpa again..As much as it hurts, your grandma needs to know. I understand she is sick, but this cant be a secret. You should tell your grandpa that either he can tell her within a week, or someone else will. Tell him that hes not only hurting himself, but everyone else around him.

The thing that sucks about cheating is that to the person that does it, it feels so right at the time, and it makes them happy for a minute. it gives them the pleasure theyve been longing for...but what they dont realize is the big picture: that theyve just pushed everyone away, and hurt so many people, and are going to pay for this act for the rest of their lives. Cheating sucks.

Good luck to you, and your family, i hope everything goes good....Be sure to support your grandma through all of this, shes gonna need you ...xoxo

Answer 2

I believe that telling your Grandmother is the only thing you can do. Your Grandfather may not be a bad person, he truly has made some bad choices. He should not be allowed to minister to people about right and wrong, when he is doing so wrong, not only to your Grandmother, to your family unit as a whole. If your Grandmother is in ill health this may be part of his reason for this affair. Men fear being alone. However this is no reason to give into an affair. Your Grandmother probably knows in her heart that something has changed in her relationship. You might be very surprised at her reaction to the news. Women know when there is someone else. I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't blaming herself because of her health. This situation is always a doubled edged sword. I believe though that the truth is always the way to go, if I had to hear about this I would rather it be from someone that I knew loved and cared about me, then some rumor monger that would enjoy telling me!!

Answer 3

You could have been writing about my husbands grandparents. Except he had a child with his mistress ( a lady from the church choir He was 60 and she was 30). He was also a pastor and they (his granparents) were together since they were teenagers. His grandmother talked about him like he was God's gift to her. Nobody wanted to be the one to tell her. So we all just avoided it.
As it turns out she knew pretty much the whole time, but she loved him so much that she forgave his transgressions. We're not sure how she knew, but she did. He eventually ended his affair. The child is now a welcome part of her household during summer visits. I guess when you have been with someone for so long, you really wouldn't know what to do without them.
Your grandma may be very aware of what is happening, but on the off chance that she's not, I wouldn't be the one to tell her. Especially if she is in poor health. What is she supposed to do? Leave him and start over at the age of 60ish and in poor health? Sometimes honesty isn't the best policy. If I was in her shoes, I wouldn't want to be told. I know it would be well meaning, but it would put me in an awful position. I would prefer to think I was his one and only for the rest of my life. Why ruin that for her at this point in her life. To me, that would just be a sad thing to do to her.

Answer 4

I am soo sorry this is happening to your family... The elders at the church your grandpa pastors needs to be informed so they can help and guide him, in another non destructive path,,, As you know many a pastor has fallen like this and he needs help.... as far as your grandma.. I don't know how you could keep it from her,, she needs to know.. but maybe with a lot of support from the women in her church and from her family. Anger is an easier emotion to handle than guilt, that is why your grandpa gets mad when confronted .. He has devasted his family and cannot face it.. he must be forced to!! Your grandpa should also be asked to step aside from his duties while this is going on.. and if his church has a back bone they will tell him this. I think also he should be asked to leave the house as long as he insists on seeing this other woman.. he needs to know there will be some consequences for this and serious ones if he doesn't stop playing around... and aside from that he needs counseling not just from the elders at the church but from a professional as well..... good luck

Answer 5

I would confront your Grandfather with the whole family except your Grandmother. I would tell him that HE needs to tell his wife what has been going on. The whole family needs to tell him this is hurting everyone and it will hurt his ministry as well. They have looked up to him for years and want to continue to. He sounds like a wonderful man that got caught up in a huge mistake. He needs to cut off his relationship with this woman and make amends with his wife. He also should confess to the church. It will be hard but it would be worse if he tried to keep hiding it. People will realize he is also human and forgive him. At least I hope they do. Good people would! He needs forgiveness but he also needs to face what he is doing and put an end to it. It is only causing a lot of heart ache and will ruin his relationships in his family, his church and with God also. I wish you all the best. This must be very hard.

Answer 6

o wow! what do you do? As bad as it sounds if your grandma is in bad health i wouldnt tell her,that would have to be something he would have to tell her.I think him living with this guilt will b punishment enough afterall he is the one living the lie.How does he go on being a pastor with people looking up to him? Of course he is making everyone else feel guilty to try to justify it in his own eyes even though he knows he is doing wrong. what goes around comes around and he will have to deal with it one day. Good luck to you all. Oh and dont forget a woman always knows if there is another woman.

Answer 7

Wow, that really sucks, and I'm sorry to read that ...but don't tell your grandma..it could make her worse...just confront your grandpa, and tell him the kind of A_hole he is by doing this, and if he doesn't love your grandma anymore to get the hell out of her life...to leave her alone..and never look for her again..tell him that if she finds out her condition could get worse..and that since you guys love her so much, you don't want to give her any shocks by giving her the notice.
Now because you guys found out...doesn't mean that its your fault, it his because he never should have cheated on the first place, that what kind of pastor, men, husband, grandpa, is he???...Does he thinks that God is going to forgive him by being a pastor??...him as one should know better God's commandments..or why did he became a pastor??...so after he stops he can go around and be a sinful men??...after your grandma gave her whole life to make him happy, and being by his side???...what goes around comes around...and he should know that...
When he gets sick after he will need you guys but nobody would be around to help him for being such a prick...so just try to relax...and try to enjoy as much time with your grandma as you can...because once shes gone...she wont be back...

Answer 8

Oh wow. What a tough situation. I feel for you. If your Grandmother is having severe medical problems, I am wondering if it's wise to tell her now? If not for that, I think she has a right to know what is going on. Also, your Grandfather should not be making you all feel guilty. It's him ! Maybe have a family meeting and talk it over and see what everyone thinks. Good luck, I'm afraid there are no easy answers here.

Answer 9

Starla brings up a very good point, while yet, it goes beyond that.

Obviously, your gramps is a civil man and certainly struggled with himself before choosing to seek affection from another woman. As well, it is obvious he has raised his family with wonderful results and that both come from finely backgrounds as both families are showing concern so strongly...and, with good reason too.

First, consider a basic difference between male and female. The initial need of the female is to feel secure in her love thru life. Yet, the male instinct is that he will be the provider and his security is within him self. Thusly, his need of life is for affection and admiration of the instinctive position of provider in a relationship.

Yes, morally he is wrong for his actions and everyone knows it. So then, the question is really "is he not-right" ???

His wife is ill, you know, but does anyone know of the other minute details of gramma and gramps creating problems between them...? Probably not !

There is only a moral code to live by and it's a stronger code for a man of the cloth whom is risking his authority as well as the position of his family in the community. Yet, he has his own needs and his own reasoning and should be respected for that.

I feel someone or several in the family should let him know the family is aware of his affair and that they will accept it only to the extent he does not forsake his wife...and...that his times with the other woman be as far away as humanly possible for them to manage.

I would concern also of them renting a place to meet because he is surely spending a great deal of money that truly is partly belonging to his wife.

I know what I am saying is morally worng, but with due respect for for a person with specific needs, I feel I must be supportive of your gramps.

Many marriages are saved because one of the couple cheats and that also re-inforces my thoughts.

Just watch him closely and protect gramma from embarassment and anger. She needs all of you more than he does and no one is going to stop him now as he has gone too far to turn back at this time.

God bless you all for caring...you do deserve better, but just bear with him and show more patience trying to understand.

Answer 10

Just pray! And realize even though Your grampa is a pastor he's still human and we all make mistakes. Talk to your grampa on how this is affecting your family and the church. You and your family should pray together, pray for your grandfather to realize what he is doing is wrong. Now if you tell your grandmother, I think you should definetly ask God if you should, and don't worry , he'll tell you if you should or shouldn't. I'll pray for your family. Count on it! My dad is a pastor and I've grown up in church all my life and I've seen alot of people inside the chuch make mistakes because no one is perfect. We're just a bunch of sinners coming together to worship our creater and ask for forgivness and knowing that god forgives anyone who asks for forgivness. God loves us.