When I was 4 months pregnant with our son in December 2005, an incident happened that made me accuse my husband of cheating with his ex girlfriend (not wife, i am his first wife) and of course he denied it. Now just about 2 months ago, my husband finally confessed to cheating with her and ever since i have been depressed and have low self esteem. Since it was technically in the past when he told me, should I forgive or leave? If I stay I will still have to look at this woman because they had kids before we got together but if I leave I will be miserable becuase i love him.
2007-05-10 06:35:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Why do you think it would be more forgiveable because it is in the past? Perhaps that's what he was thinking when he held off this long in telling you, and in that case, he was only covering his own butt. He didn't cover it up to protect your pregnancy, because he wouldn't have cheated on you while pregnant if he was concerned about that.
He didn't hold off on telling you for this long to protect you, either. Holding off on telling you certainly didn't make it any less painful for you to find out, but it possibly made it easier for him to get off the hook with the argument "It's far off in the past now, let it go." That logic is wrong, though, and it's inconsiderate of him to attempt it. Think about it this way: Not only did he cheat on you, but he's been lying to you about it for over a year now. I think the offense is now doubled, because long-term deception was involved!
Breaking up or staying with him doesn't change the fact that you'll have a broken heart over this, so I won't give you advice one way or the other in regard to that. It's not going to be easy no matter what you decide to do. I personally don't know if I could love a person if I knew they were lying to me for so long; yet, you still seem to love him. Maybe you can still work it out then, if you start with that (as long as you think that love is returned of course). Sometimes love is enough, sometimes it's not, but you can only cross that bridge when you come to it...
I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through this, and then it's even worse that it seems your feelings are being brushed aside. You're perfectly justified in feeling every bit of hurt that you do over this. You would be justified if you left.
If, though, you still want to work it out, he should know he has tons of hard work ahead of him to regain your trust, and he needs to show much, much more consideration for your feelings than he currently has been showing. I think he is trying to get off wayyyy too easy on this!
2007-05-10 06:49:12 · answer #1 · answered by Kestra SpiritNova 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only YOU can decide that for yourself...
If you wish to stay with a dam liar and a cheat then do so, but don't expect this not to happen again..
How do you know that, that was the only time he has cheated on you?
If you love someone enough to marry them then you should love them enough to stay faithful and not cheat especially with the fuckn ex..That is why they are ex's!
You say since you found out he cheated on you with his ex, you have been depressed with low self esteem what makes you think it will get better?What makes you think he will not do it again?What makes you think you will be happier with this lying cheating bastard then you will be without him?
Staying with him..your self esteem and the depression will not go away, the thought of him cheating on you with his ex will not go away either...
If you leave...Yes it's going to be very hard at first and it may take a while to get over him, you may never fully get over him...but you will start feeling better, you will be happy, and you may find another man who loves you enough to be honest, faithful ect ect...
If you think about it..would you rather be unhappy for the rest of your life with this man or would you rather move on and find someone better to be happy with?
After that said you just have to think very hard about what you want for yourself and your baby...you do not want your child growing up thinking lying and cheating is ok and it certainly will not make that baby happy seeing you depressed all the time!
Do what is right for yourself and your little boy....
2007-05-10 06:58:45 · answer #2 · answered by Kasja 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry.
First you should always forgive, because one day you'll need to be forgiven. Please don't be depressed, I know it's difficult but it's not death; and death is the only thing that you can't fix. If you want to work it out with your husband, you have every right to do so. If you don't want to work it out, you now have grounds in God's eye to divorce.
I know you love him and yes it's going to be a battle. Ask yourself several questions. Is it something that you can get over and not hang over his head for ever? Is he willing to go to counseling? Does he want to remain in the marriage? Are you important enough to him for him to fight for his family? Have you realized your value and know what you're worth and don't have to be treated any 'ole kind of way? You deserve the best!
You will only be what you say you are going to be. You've said either way you're not going to be happy, if you stay or leave. What do you want? What/how much can you tolerate and deal with?
Whatever decisions you make, make sure it's the best decision you can possibly make because every choice has a consequence or reward. Pray hard, seek God. Every piece of advice or every suggestion you get from this site, is just that, but the answer lies in God and prayer.
God bless you. Keep your head up, you're beautiful, strong, and accomplished!
2007-05-10 06:53:20 · answer #3 · answered by paytaymak 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it depends on him. is he trying to make it up to you? if not then he will do it again. Sorry, I know its tough. My ex wife cheated, said she was sorry so I was stupid and took her back. She cheated again 8 months later. We had a 2 year old daughter at that time. Even though you are thinking of your child and would be willing to stick it out together for your childs sake HE cheated, plain and simple. He is at fault. It in no way is your fault. If he isnt 150% commited to making things right between you two then he lower then scum and you need to leave him for your sake and your childs. If he IS committed give him a chance. Even though it failed for me I believe everyone deserves a second chance
2007-05-10 06:43:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No one deserves to be treated that way. How is he now? Does he go out of his way to show you how much you mean to him? Does he tell you he is sorry and will never do it again? Have you told him exactly how he made you feel? Those are all questions you need to ask yourself and figure out for yourself. If any of them is no then that is where you need to start. I know how you feel and I know that you feel that he is very important to you and you do not want to be without him but what you also need to ask yourself is it worth feeling terrible about yourself just because of a man? You will find a man that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and you will not have to second guess if he will do it to you again. Stand up for yourself and others will have respect for you too. Good luck!!
2007-05-10 06:47:27 · answer #5 · answered by butterfly_2blue 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thats something that only you can decide. It will always be in your mind. The fact that it was in the past shouldn't matter. He cheated and everytime he's around her your going to wonder if he's done it again. Would he stick around if you cheated on him?
2007-05-10 06:55:48 · answer #6 · answered by tjmoore83102 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let the past stay in the past. Love your husband, forgive him and move forward. You can never change history, but you can determine the future.
2007-05-10 06:43:28 · answer #7 · answered by Starla_C 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Chances are he didn't tell you because you were pregnant. He didn't want to risk the stress that could cause a miscarriage. If he can prove to you that he is faithful and you can learn to trust him, then there is a chance. Let him know that from now on, when he is around her to see his children, you will be on him like the white on rice. If he can't deal, tell him to hit the road and don't let the door hit him in the a s s.
2007-05-10 06:43:19 · answer #8 · answered by Tangled Web 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
This is a question you must answer yourself. Can you forgive him and really move on? This means not bringing up his cheating during disagreements and not dwelling on it. If you can't truly forgive then I don't think you'll ever be happy.
2007-05-10 06:42:25 · answer #9 · answered by Fool in the Rain 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You and your husband need to go get help. You have to have trust in a marriage which you don't have. You and your husband need to talk about it and get everything out in the open. Let him know how you feel.
2007-05-10 06:59:20 · answer #10 · answered by Ash Kat 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋