Why am I such a jerk?

Question

I know. It is not an easy answer... My wife hates photographic porno because she feels it exploits the people involved... and I kinda agree with her. If it's written or drawn it's a different story. And 99.9% of the time I stay away from photographic porno... but every now & then I look at it.

And she finds out, feels betrayed, upset (all legitimately so), demands I move out, etc. Eventually it all settles back down, to a degree, and we go on, a little more wounded than before. She feels less close to me. She is angry at herself for trusting me again.

I know better. Do I not love her? We have been together nearly 20 years... but she says if I cared I wouldn't do those things that hurt her. And that does make sense...

Is it a way of keeping her at a distance? Is it a way of feeling like she can't control me? I feel like lousy. I know I'm wrong when I am doing it. It happened again this week after 10 months of behaving. She wants me to move out again.

>>>sigh<<<

Answer 1

if you cared you wouldn't do those things that hurt her. You enjoy the control you think you have.

Answer 2

I understand both sides here. On one hand, pretty much every man looks at porn from time to time. Men are visual creatures and they like to look. This hurts your wife because it probably makes her feel as though she is not enough for you. So, you look every once in a while and when she catches you, her feelings are hurt yet again. In all likelihood, it hurts her even more because she thought that she could trust you again. She thought that knowing how hurtful this was to her, you would respect her enough not to do it again. I had this same problem with my ex husband (not the reason we split up). I don't think that you are a jerk. You sound as though you really care for your wife. I suggest that you simply find a way to either discontinue viewing the porn altogether.....or hide it better.:) When you look, you should be erasing your history and your cookies. Read up on completely erasing the history on the PC. If you cover your tracks, and she doesn't have to see the proof with her own eyes, then your problem might be solved.:) I don't regularly recommend hiding things from your spouse, but this seems pretty harmless if you are only viewing it every once in a while.;) Good luck!:)

Answer 3

It's a natural want to look and your wife should understand that. It seems to me that you guys really just need to talk about the whole thing and come to a compromise or something. By the way, while it does degrade the people in the photos, imagine where they'd be without them. If they couldn't sell their bodies in a magazine, they'd probably sell them on the streets, so you're really kinda doing them a favor. I know that sounds really bad, but it's the truth. You should really just stick to certain ones. Some companies are worse than others in the whole exploitation thing. If you could compromise on only looking at those that don't exploit people too badly.

Answer 4

Not saying that keeping secrets is good, but how does she find out that you looked at it?
I'm like your wife. I'm very sensitive when it comes to porn. Not because it exploits anyone, because I think 99.99999% of the people involved have free will, but because it makes me feel like I have to live up to unrealistic physical expectations. Most of those pictures are computer corrected to give fuller breasts, thinner thighs, pouty lips, longer necks, and great skin tone.
It would seem if you keep getting caught, it's because you want her to catch you, knowing full well what it will do to her. It may be your way of sticking it to her for trying to control you. I don't know. But you seem to know. So if you know why you do it then you can also stop if you want to. And thats got to be the trigger. It has to be something you do because you want to, and not because she told you not to. You are acting like a rebellious child and only you can make yourself stop. You have to decide what is more important. Your occasional glimpse of a computer generated woman, or the real woman that loves you. The choice is yours.

Answer 5

Sounds like you are maybe trying to pull away from her, because you are with her so much, and have been with her for so long. It is kind of like when a child gets a new toy, they play with it, they love it, but after some time its under the bed, or in a closet....they got tired of it. Maybe thats what you are experiencing, which is normal for someone in your relationship. But you need to find a different outlet other than porn, drawn- written- whatever...it doesnt matter, you need to find something else that wont hurt your wife...you need to talk to her, apologize, and throw everything away, then make an honest effort to not do it anymore...if you truly love her, you can change! Good Luck!

Answer 6

What you're asking for is approval. Sorry. No can do.

Welcome to the twenty-first century. Porn isn't an innocent pastime anymore.

Get in some good therapy and a 12-step group for people with your addiction. Yes, it's an addiction kiddo.

OH. and I'd do this before you go "too far" and get arrested - labeled as a sex offender - and ruin your life forever.

Answer 7

well, personally, I think asking you to move out is a bit over the top but it's clear that your wife does not approve of this behavior and I'm wondering how you keep getting caught?? Because you must find some excitement in the getting caught part- it sounds like you like a bit of drama...maybe you should see a therapist to find out why you need the stuff in the first place and why you keep getting caught- what are you not getting from your relationship with your wife?

Answer 8

This is a joke, right? Thanks for the laugh.

In case it is serious, yes, women are hurt when guys look at that crap, as you do, for reasons that you admit are to hurt her...porn is demeaning to women...How would you see her if she spend hours looking as nude men, far better endowed than you???? Far sexier, far more muscular, far more handsome, and airbrushed to perfection???????????

As this behavior of yours worsens, it is called an addiction.... and hon, Addicts are not available for relationships... they already have one, and it isn't with their spouse. Sometime the addiction takes awhile and other times, is evolves quite suddenly. I dumped a husband of 18 years because of his addictions to porn,,,,, and a few others. And addicts are really never cured... they just go dry for awhile... It's a personality defect.. ask any outfit that deals with addictions...--- AA, Gamblers Anon, any of the them....Call them!!!! And the cure rate is abysmal .
She ought indeed to move out and find a loving guy available for a relationship. Yes, hon, you are indeed a jerk

Answer 9

First of all....your wife has to realize that the days of the Puritans are long gone. Nothing wrong with porn. In addition...most pornographic "models' are usually junkies or down on their luck people who get paid something to do this. The bigger "stars"...if you can classify them as such...get paid handsomely for their "acting talents".
I realize twenty years is a long time for a marriage and walking out isn't quite the best and easiest option, however she has to lighten up on this stuff.
Ever try asking her what the real problem is? Ever think to tell her that you find this stimulating and that you're not picturing someone else in her steed when you are intimate with her but it's used purely as a "toy"....much the same way she uses a vibrator or clitoral stimulator.
Of course...she doesn't own any of those does she? no...didn't think so. So...try investing in those little gifts. Whip them out on her one night and go to town. maybe she'll loosen up. You can't tell me there are women out there who wouldn't die to have a clitoral stimulator applied to them by their spouse or partner.
What do you have to lose pal? It ain't porn...so maybe that'll put her at ease.
Good luck man.

Answer 10

You're not a jerk for looking at the photos. What makes you a jerk is the fact that you still do it knowing that it bothers her. You need to be more considerate of her feelings and respect the fact that she does not want you to look at that. If you have to do it then look when she's not around and don't do it on your computer. Go by a playboy or something, look at it for a few minutes, then throw it away before you get home.

Answer 11

Tell her to deal with it. All men look or read porn during their lifetime. It's our animal instinct at work. Sorry but she needs to get over herself and just accept the fact that you don't look at pics all that often and your more interested in the literature side of it. Sometime you just need a fresh look on things to get more ideas to write down. Otherwise it would just be the same old boring crap.