Help, my husband can not tolerate my daughter?

Question

Ive been married for 3 yrs, my daughter is 8,my husband is not her biological dad.My husband has left to go stay with his family for a while b/c we had a disagreement.I have talked to him to see where the problem lies.He stated that he can not live in a house where he is disrespected by an 8 yr old.He doesnt feel that I discipline properly & feels like I am against him and take her side.I try to tell him that that I am not choosing sides, however I often feel that his military background causes him to nit pick over things and sometimes the punishments that he chooses are too severe for her actions.That is not the only prob, I feel that he emotionally neglects me and my child. Our sex life is dissapating, he makes me feel undesired, unattractive,& unimportant. I dont know how to fix our problems,everytime we argue he leaves for days and then comes back and I am so glad hes home that the prob doesnt get fixed but I cant continue this cycle.I am mentally, physically,&emotionally exhausted

Every time he leaves he says that he wants a divorce, but never follows through. This time I dont know if he is serious or not. Please help I really love my husband.

Just being helpful, I greatly appreciate your answer, is there anyway you could contact me, I would love to talk to someone with your experience.

Answer 1

I understand completly what your husband is saying and I'm the mother lol.

When my husband and I got married. I had a hard time "allowing" him to discipline my children. It always seemed that he was too hard on them. It took about 6 years but I started to realize that he wasn't trying to hurt them he was trying to make the behave and follow the rules.

Everytime you argue with him over the disciplining of "your" daughter and she hears you, she scores a point! She knows that no matter what she does that she isn't going to have to face the consequences because mom is going to rush to her rescue if she gets punished.

He is lashing out her and nit picking her because he is fed up, men are like babies, they want attention too. It sounds as if you have already chosen your daughter. You have refused to let him in and be a father to her. You are referring to her as YOUR daughter not our daughter. I know he's not her biological father but he is the father she spends the most time with. Let him discipline her, as long as he isn't abusing her, let him be a parent. You may have to leave the room and bite your tongue. If you have a problem with the way he has disciplined her, speak with him privately. You can also discuss with each other, before punishment is issued, what the punishement should be. Her respect for him and his respect for the both of you will be greatly improved.

Answer 2

If he has no problem walking out on you and your daughter then I think you do need a divorce. Even if you comes home in the end, him walking out on you like that all the time is emotionally damaging. Im sorry that you are going through this. You have to put your daughter first though. She is only 8 and can not make her own choices yet. If you feel that he neglects you and her and punishes her to severly I think you need to tell him to stay at his families and dont come back home. If you have a child with him then think of how it will be if he keeps leaving like that over petty disagreements. Hope you get this figured out.

Answer 3

Okay I can totally related to this question, my husband is not the biological father of my 8 year old daughter either and I felt just like you. He would nit pick about everything she did and I also felt like he was to hard on her. I always stepped in the middle and protected my daughter. We recently split and he almost wanted nothing to do with her..why because he said I never let him raise her how he wanted and I drove a wedge between him and my daughter. But my instincts as a mother was to stand up and fight for her when I felt she was being mistreated and I think you should do the same. I kinda blamed myself for the way he felt about her because I thought maybe I did cause the wedge but either way I had to protect my little girl. I didn't have the other issues that you have going on in your marriage that alone was hard. I think you really need to take a good look at your life and the way he treats you and think to yourself...Can I really continue living like this??? He does this to you cause he knows you'll let him right back in and put up with all his crap...I say put your foot down and move on. Good luck,

Answer 4

Hon, you need to take back control of your life. How much of an adult is he if he's going to allow an 8 year old to run him out the house? And then, because of a disagreement, he has to run to mom (if, in fact, that is where he is going)? Sounds like he needs some napkins for behind his ears, military training and all (which, by the way, does not make them men - it makes them warriors). It sounds like a temper tantrum (maybe that's why he can't deal with your 8 year old - only room for one 8 year old in the house) because he can't have his way.

As for your relationship, while I would not tell someone to leave someone, I think you might want to re-think your reasons for being with this man. It sounds as if you are not COMPLETELY satisfied with your relationship, but you leave control of it in his hands. Why? There are two of you in this relationship. He threatens divorce but never follows through. Classic case of control - just to get a rise out of you. To see if he still has "it" when it comes to your feelings. If he succeeds at shaking your emotions, then he won and not your daughter. Leaving the domain only puts the exclamation point at the end.

As long as you continue to allow this cycle to happen to you, you will feel like you are running in place. We cannot change anyone. They have to change for themselves and when they want to. So...when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Answer 5

If you two are going to be married then your daughter needs to respect him and listen to him as she would to you. And you shouldn't get in the way of him disciplining her. That why she doesn't repect him. I have two children and my older one is not my husbands biological child and I had a hard time not interfering with him disciplining her but if you want them to have a good relationship as well as the two of you then you need to step back.

Answer 6

You are going to have to choose between your husband and your child. He is abusing your daughter and you either can protect her and be on the outs with your husband or you can let her go live with her father. Either situation is not pleasant, but you need to do something.

I for one would not stay with a man who threatens to divorce me all the time.

Answer 7

I have been there done that my ex use to call my daughter terrible names. Try to punish her. It took three years but I said enough is enough and I left.
Trying to get someone else to fully understand and except your children is extremely difficult to do. Having someone yell and scream at a child cause they didn't clean there room right according to them or not eating enough. I can give countless examples. To me people that pick on children to control there spouse have issues. For me if you get involved with someone that has children ,You have to beable to accept that child/children for who they are. The best that you can hope for is to be that childs friend... Not there parent

Answer 8

He shouldn't discipline her that is her dad and your job but she shouldn't disrespect your husband and it is your job to see that she don't. it sounds like you guys have a lot more problems than just your daughter she is not to blame in any of this i think that is just an excuse he uses.

Answer 9

Tell him to get lost for good, no mother should ever allow a man to disrespect her child and herself. Keep him around and this will always be a chronic problem.

Answer 10

i think you need to repsect your husbands wishes with your child. he married you knowing you had a child, so he loves you. a child shout not be allowed to disrespect his/her father. step or biological doesnt matter. how would you feel in his situation? respect your husbands feelings!!!! he may threaten divorce, but threats will follow through after hes fed up.