well we have been together 2 years at first we had an awsome sex life,then because i was on the same birthcontroll for 5 years i ended up having a tuble pregnancy,i had been so far along that the doctors had to cut me open,it was very scary,i almost died.
i knew he was always a huge porn nut but i started finding that women from sex sites were e mailing him and that he was on the t v and computer alot for sex stuff,i tried everything to try and have sex with him for a year now but its gotten worse,he wont have sex with me at all,i feel very unnatractive and hurt,and i really dont know what else i can do.i almost just dont want to get married because i feel put down by this behaviour,does he love me ?
2007-05-09 18:02:45 · 17 answers · asked by mel 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
someone asked if i were a bigger girl,no i am not i weigh 138lbs another asked what keeps me holding on well id have to say that mostly what keeps me holding on1 is because my parents have worked very hard to pay for our marrage he nor i have put out any money and i feel bad about telling them all their hard work and hard earned money just was thrown away,2 he tells me the e mails are fake and he doesent know where they are comming from,he says that im insecure and he doesent have sex with me because im not nice?
but he figures im not nice because i ask why women are e mailing and why does porn always have to be on the tv when i come home?yes i feel really crappy about myself because i feel inadequate about myself with him,i told him this but he doesent seem to care but now that i want to leave because i feel unnatractive he says no i need you,your just upset because i pleasure myself?but we never make love ever?and i have tried?i feel he needs a mother figureor amaid,cus thats allido
2007-05-10 04:52:22 · update #1
You might want to rethink the marriage until your fiance gets some help with his porn addiction...because that is what he has. Take it from someone who knows, this will only get WORSE once you are married, definately not better. I'm sure he does love you, but like an alcoholic, he has a serious problem...he needs therapy.
2007-05-09 18:32:41 · answer #1 · answered by missapparition 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My first husband was a porn addict, supposedly a good Mormon man too. I had a fantasy in my mind that all he needed was to be married and have a good warm woman in his bed, then he wouldn't have this addiction anymore. He promised to stop and never do it again so we got married.
After I was pregnant with my first child I found a shirt from a local strip bar crumpled up in the car. He lied and made up some story about a guy who left it in his car. He would often work late (uh huh) and say he was going to be somewhere and wasn't. This went on for years and then my second child, a son, was born. I thought for sure he would want to straighten up and be a good husband, father and example for his son. Nope, the behavior got worse, he got violent and said I was trying to control him. I began finding emails from strippers. Our sex life was almost non existant since he would satisfy himself through porn and strippers. He did not appreciate my body or find me at all attractive since he was comparing me against 18yr olds in porn mags and young strippers with breast implants.
I stayed in this marriage 4 kids and 12 years later hanging on and hoping he would change. He was always sorry, always said he would never do it again. He broke my heart over and over again. He also broke my kids hearts when we finally divorced.
I am so sorry for your loss and all the trauma you've been through. You should be being supported and loved right now after such a tramatic event. It seems that his attention is elsewhere. I would not wait for him to get help. My hub and I went through many bouts of counseling but he still ended up doing what he wanted to. You're scared for a reason, because you know this is not right. Step back, take some time to really look at how he as treated you. Then fast forward 10 years, how will you feel after this same treatment for a decade.
He's showing you who he is, please listen.
2007-05-09 19:16:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Me personally would give him an ultimatum: you want to get married or keep your obsession with porn. I kind of had a similar situation with my husband. My husband comes from a very religious back ground so being married he said we shouldn't be watching porns because your lusting for that person. I told him that's not true I don't want the person on t.v I like to make fun of them sometimes but anyways so I finally got him to look at some with me. Then I started noticing all these new movies he had. I told him what are you doing constantly bringing these movies home once in a while I watched them but not to start keeping collections and it pissed me off because he also got on my computer trying to go to porn sights and he thought it was okay because I was sitting next to him. I told him you make me not even want to look at another one just get all the movies and through them away we're married and it's like your getting all interested in this crap just a little to much and I reminded him of how in the beginning he didn't even want to look at them because it wasn't right to him and basically told him he was a hypocrite and he was like your right and gave me a bag full of the movies and I trashed them because no woman is coming before me weather it be on a movie or computer it doesn't matter. The only one that comes before me is God and my children .
2007-05-09 19:37:40 · answer #3 · answered by glamorouslady 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
HOLD ON HOLD ON!!!
i think its important to recognize the main thing here, which is your feelings of hurt, lonliness im sure and unnattractiveness.
You must first change the way you feel about yourself. i know yo love this guy and would make any change for him, however, in any relationship, there needs to be a healthy balance of communication foremost, care and compassion and sexuality.
Though thats not all of them of course, but those are the main fundamentals. If there is lack in any part of the fundamentals, the relationship will suffer.
Someone above wrote about divorce in the making, well i have to disagree, although there is much evidnce to suggest unhappiness and dissatisfaction, if marriage is still a question after finding out he knowingly doesnt aknowledge you in different (important ways) means, that begs the question, what is it about him that keeps YOU wanting to fix this problem?!?!?!? You see it isnt a problem, its a choice, he has chosen to neglect you, while you have chosen to accept it. A person dictates how others can treat them by the way they respond to attempts at disrespecting you or your comfort level. id take a step back and find out really what it is you envision for your future, pus the way he treats you and neglects you is the same way he will treat his daughters and possibly sons. So, no i dont see divorce, i see years of accepting and tolerating ******** on the guise of love and commitment. basically speaking, years of taking crap for your mistake of thinking love and compassion and commitment are still possible in a physical contact-less marriage. Not to mention that his track is on the way to that of an adulterer (cheater).
Id seriously reconsider marriage at this point, every woman wants to be treated like a princess and have their special day, but after that, are you trully willing to be a part of a neglectful, passionless trist of a marriage?
Seek professional pre-marriage counseling and that'll help to clear up this debacle, if he says no then absolutely under no circumstances settle for a man who doesnt do his Godly duty and respect and cherish his wife.
Take care and best wishes.
2007-05-09 19:19:30 · answer #4 · answered by guitarmusician84 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
before you can even move foward in your relationship you will need some heavy therapy. it sounds like he is addicted to this junk and needs some serious help, if you cant talk to him or get him to talk to you or a dr about this then you marriage is sure to have major problems. you really need to take control of the situation, it has already gotten out of control and needs to be worked on. if you can not make a difference by the end of july with him or see an improvement in your relationship you should cancel the wedding. maybe doing that will make him wake up and see that he has the real thing right in front of him and does not need to have something that is not real. i hope you and your fiancee work everything out and you two have a blessed marriage
2007-05-09 19:14:45 · answer #5 · answered by treys girl 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Ok so u had the baby or not hey??
well it seams something happened to him when that happened to u, maybe he feared for u life, &now feels he doenst want to sleep with u in case u fall pregnant again.
Either way it sounds like a good idea to stop the wedding, Y: he needs a wake up call, he is excaping into the virtual world &is not facing the truth, &its time he does
2007-05-09 18:55:23 · answer #6 · answered by Phoenix21 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
whether he loves u or not u should ask him and your brains. i really can't understand why are u 2 getting married? are u loaded with money or smth? does he need a visa to stay in the country? it sounds like u have smth he wants that's why he is with u. but it absolutely doesn't sound as he loves u. i can understand i f a guy watches porn from time to time, but if he substitutes sex with u with porn - it sounds bad. or maybe u re overweight`? u should have written more detales in your question. if u re overweight u should lose weight first, then complain. there re men who re disgusted with fat women. did u gain weight during operation and recovering after operation time?
2007-05-09 18:45:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you have to think alot about this marriage, nothing you've done has been your fault from the sound of it. If I had known about my husband's porn addiction, I probably would not be married to him. Since we got married in Aug. of 2004 he's gone through the porn addiction, for now and is now addicted to WoW. If it's not one addiction, it's another. People either have an addicting personality or they don't. I married one, I hope you don't.
2007-05-09 18:41:05 · answer #8 · answered by Lisa I 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
MEL i think you know the answer to this question yourself. if you have any doubts because of his behavour to wards you .do not go through with the wedding because if he is not suportive of you now he will not suport you after your married in fact things will get worse. if i was in your shoes i would put him right out of my life and find a real man.who will love me and treat me properly because he most definately is not. you deserve much better than that loser .if you do marry him you are setting your self up for a lot of heart break.because he is far to selfish to make any woman a good husband. and his type never do change they only get worse.darling leave him and look for happiness else whear, because he will never make you happy
2007-05-09 19:09:47 · answer #9 · answered by joan_tipton 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your having all these problems before you've even gotten married why on earth do you think so little of yourself to even be there. Move on and out or kick him out and find someone else that does really care about you, not just say he does.
2007-05-09 19:06:14 · answer #10 · answered by Dean * 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do NOT marry this man!!!!!! He loves getting his nuts off, not you.
Get away from him quickly. You already believe you are to blame for lack of intimacy when it is his obsession with his fantasy fulfillment that is making life unbearable.
You deserve someone that cares about all of you. Someone you can be comfortable with and give yourself to that appreciates all of you.
Run and run fast! God be with you!
2007-05-09 19:30:32 · answer #11 · answered by dizzkat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋