Dad needs a little advice about wife...?

Question

I'm father of 4, step father of 1. I have 10yr & 8yr old sons and 5yr & 2yr daughters. I love them to death, but they fight constantly and cause a lot of trouble, especially the middle two. My wife has a lot on her plate, especially since I'm not home a lot. She turns to my step daughter, Taylor, who is 17, for help all the time. The kids listen to her and she'll help willingly 90% of time, but i think my wife uses her too much. I hate seeing Taylor ask to go out and hear my wife say "Well, i need you to help me___ with___while Josh does ___with___." They'll fight about it, but it usually ends with Taylor staying home. I've always kind of backed off when it came to Taylor and let my wife handle her since her father is in the picture, but i feel that i should say something about this situtation. She's 17, not a mother. I've offered to hire help several times, but my wife's answer is always "I have Taylor. No need." She's leaving in a year, then what? How do i get her to see my point?

I said i could hire help. And someone needs to support the family. I leave at 6ish, get home around 7ish.

I help from the time i get home until the time they go to bed. I do that whole "20 minute" thing once they're all finially in bed, around 915. I just don't my 17yr daughter should be the 3rd parent 24/7 while my wife does.

Answer 1

I understand exactly what you're saying, but i'm not sure if you said it right, which is why youre getting some of these mean answers. Why isn't Taylor allowed to go out once you get home and helping? Why does your wife make her help 24/7?
i think you should talk to your wife. hire a BABYSITTER, take her out to dinner and tell her what YOU see going on. It seems pretty obvious that Taylor wants to be able to go out with friends once in a while instead of constantly helping out. It's not like she doesn't. You said that she's willing to help 90% of the time. I think that's pretty great and really rare for an older sister. Honestly, i don't think your wife realizes what she's doing. She's probably very stressed out with 4 little ones and with you being a work until late evening, she turns to her own daughter for help. When you get home, she sees you as an aditonal pair of hands to help out instead of just those to replace Taylors. Talk this out with your wife and tell her that you're more than willing to hire help if she needs it. It doesn't make her a bad mother.
I would also suggest setting up a behavior chart for your kids and start punishing them for not listening/bad behavior. Also teach your older ones to be able to do things on their own.
Best wishes to you and good luck! =]

Answer 2

You've got lots of good advice already... My two cents:
I'm a "single mom" raising two under two: my husband is in Iraq. I do it completely alone, working part time. Do I wish I had help, yes. I trade time with other mom's, but I know that once preschool starts in a two years, things will get a bit easier for me.

Having said that: instead of offering advice, maybe you need to HIRE a maid? Don't give your wife a chance to say no: disguise it as a gift for Mother's Day, and tell her that "on X day starting X week, this company will be here for four/eight hours to do this number of things" and have it paid for for at least a month. Then do something ELSE for Mother's Day, too, becuase this trick is for you as much as her (and Tailor).

And you've got a lot going on with a blended family. Counselling is always good - go by yourself for a while, and then ask your wife to join you. It might be good for her to talk to someone, even if she believes she can and should do it all.

Is there a reason she's hesitant to bring in help? Is money a bit of an issue, and that's why you work so much? Just some things to think about.

Good luck - I was one of those Oldest Siblings caring for half-siblings; I left my mom's and moved in with my dad when I was 16 to get away from it. Smartest thing I ever did...

Answer 3

The lessons your 17 year old is learning now are very beneficial to her. She may not realize that now, nor you, but it is teaching her responsibility. I agree that if your wife is depending on her too much, that she deserves some time with her friends, however, so does your wife it appears. I would go ahead and hire someone, maybe start out slow, once a month, then you and your wife go on a date, and let Taylor do her thing as well.

Answer 4

You know what go a head and hire help bring them in and introduce them to the family and give Taylor some money and tell her to go have a good time and tell your wife to get a clue. I have 4 kids and they all help I don't leave one to do for all. They take care of there own things while I take care of all else. My daughter does help more but its because she wants to and if she didn't I wouldn't force her to. Taylor needs to start having some fun or when she's gone she will be gone.

Answer 5

Obviously you both knew what you were getting into when you married each other, so this should have been worked out beforehand. Taylor is 17, she only has another year before becoming a legal adult....that's going to be alot of pressure for her. Having to step in as second mom to those kids is not fair for her when she should be out enjoying shopping with friends, going to ballgames, just basic "girlthings." Did your wife get to enjoy her childhood? If so, I would do some comparison and ask her how she would have felt to have to have so much responsibility. I hope you talk to her soon, because Taylor deserves to have someone stand up for her.

Answer 6

Sounds like there's to many I's or she's or her, not we. You're the bread winner and that's your job. I can understand you coming home and saying give me 20 minutes to get to husband or daddy mode, then help her out. Hire a nanny, or simple a maid, to do the cleaning so that your wife won't be split so many different ways. I know this sounds wierd but, the ten year old and the eight year old can mostly fend for themselves, exept for dinner. the Five and 2 yr old need mommy time. The others are older and should have independant play or homework. 17 yr old can help the 10 yr old w homework ten yr old help 8 yr old with homework and 8 can help 5. Taylor needs time to herself or she will end up blaming wife for taking away her young years. Tell your wife, but have about five different solutions handy just incase she objects. If 17 yr old goes out, where are you going, what time you'll be back, who are u with and call parents of friends she hangs with . good Luck, You should tell her

Answer 7

Well my situation was different but i was the step-daughter and I had two 1/2 brothers...who are 6 and 5yrs younger than me. My step-mother litterally treated me like cinderella... At age 5 I was resposible for my brothers. I would have to care for them, feed them, change them, clean-up after them. I would get woken up by my step-mom to iron my dads uniform every morning while she went back to bed, I had to get my brothers ready for school, come home, make all the beds, wash dishes, clean the bathroom, do laundry, fold and put away laundry and then i could do my homework or watch tv. This lasted all the way til I was 18 and ran away....I was never allowed to join in any sports, or go out with friends or even have a boyfriend until I was 18 and even then i could never go out and i was only allowed to talk to him for like 30 mins on the weekends ( i was already engaged).....and you know what happened? I hated my step-mother and resented my father for letting her treat me that way...not only that but she was alway mentally and physically abusive.........your step-daughter is not her slave and your step-daughter is still a child and did not lay down and have those kids........thats how i felt! I hated my brothers too! Once she is 18, she is going to get the hell out of there and not look back!

Answer 8

Talk to your stepdaughter and your wife alone and then together. See if you can set some boundaries for what Taylor is and isn't responsible for. Maybe having defined times when she will help or defined "free times" when your wife will not ask for help. For example, if Taylor and her friends go to the movies every Friday night, then she'll never be expected to help out then.

Bottom line...they aren't her kids she shouldn't have to always help out and even if it isn't showing now there is a good chance that as it progresses it will cause some resentment and tension in the family.

Answer 9

Be a Man. Start off by setting rules. Sounds harsh, read on.

Rules are good , teach them through example when your home, rules have consequences.

You need to have the rules for all. INCLUDING the little ones. Give lots of praise to the older child for helping. Show her how much you care.

Make a big deal about it when someone follows the rules. And stick to your guns(metaphorically) when someone brakes the rules.

You will have to be consistent and keep in touch with them when your not at home. Rewards goes both ways. Let everyone know how pleased you are when things are well. Take your wife out to dinner, a lot!

good luck

Update:

Nothing is going to happen until.... you make it happen. You have a platoon. You need order. Now that you have these wonderful children, they well look to someone to lead them. So what are you going to do? Hire out the raising of your kids? Don't do it man, I told my wife, if I wanted the nanny, babysitter, whom ever to raise my children I would have married her.

It's not about managing your household, its taking control. And you can do it with kindness and love. But be in control. They will follow.

Answer 10

Why is your wife having such a hard time??10,8,and 5 is a age where kids can do stuff on thier own.I think your wife is in the wrong for depending on her daughter so much and I think if she doesn't stop her daughter will end up hating her.Tell your wife to let her be a kid.They didn't come out of Taylor so she doesn't need to sit there and act like they did.