i've been with "tom" for 5 yrs and plan on getting married next month.He loves his son from his 1st marrrage so much i just thought he would want one with me(i have no children)well the subject never came up till now and he told me flat out he did not want anouther child and if i did it would be a deal braker.How can he be such a devoted,loving dad and not even want to talk about having a child with me?
2007-05-09 14:16:37 · 16 answers · asked by loriperyy789043 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
There could be many reasons. Perhaps he never wanted more than 1 child to begin with. Perhaps he doesn't want to have the 1st child come to him someday and say that they feel loved less than kiddie #2 because they only got to live with him part of the time while the other kid got him all of the time. Maybe he fears that the two of you will split up so he'll be reduced to seeing 2 children only part time. There could be a lot of reasons, but ultimately you have to respect his decision and if its a dealbreaker its better to know sooner rather than later.
2007-05-09 14:22:39 · answer #1 · answered by Heather Y 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Because children are hard work. I completely get where your partner is coming from. I love my daughter with all my heart she's my entire world, but I will never have another child. I never want to go through the sleep deprivation, the horrible pain of labour, admittedly mine did go wrong and was emotionally scarring, not to mention psychically scarring. The tantrums, the other not so great things about being a parent, don't get me wrong in this kids are wonderful and rewarding, I have just made a very vocal choice to never ever do it again. That said it' also something I will tell someone before we even start to get close. I would not wait 5 yrs to tell someone that. I wouldn't take this as a personal thing, although it is time to think what's more important in the long run this man or having children because if he's anything like me he won't be changing his mind.
2007-05-09 14:29:01 · answer #2 · answered by kalihas_mum 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A lot of parents, men especially, burn out on children. It doesn't mean they don't love their kid(s) anymore, but they just don't want to go through the whole infant-toddler-small child work again. It's a lot of work, and while the reward is (or should be) worth it, it's still a lot of work and heartache.
And if he or you is older, perhaps it's a financial thing. It's hard to retire when you are trying to put a child through college. So if you are 35, then that means at age 55 instead of getting ready to stop working you are at least helping pay for college.
2007-05-09 14:24:40 · answer #3 · answered by Scott 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think men are afraid that It may take away from the child they already have. My brother in-law thought the same thing.He waited till his daughter was 9 before having his second child. And plus I'm sure he has to pay child support and maybe financilay he thinks he can't afford to have another one. Keep the communication open and talk more before you make the commitment so if you want children you may want to find someone who will give you children you so much want..
2016-05-19 03:34:36 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think its because of the fear or your marriage failing in the future. Not to say it will, but I'm sure he didn't think his first marriage would fail, especially if he had a child. I'm guessing he feels that he wouldn't want to two children from two different failed marriages if something were to happen. He adores his son and wants him and you to be the main focus in his life.
I have a step daughter who is 17 and her father sees her in this way. He's remarried and i remember my step daughter telling my wife at 10 that her dad didn't want to have any children with his new wife. She was perfect in his eyes and he didn't want to have another child in case something were to happen. I wouldn't take it as a person offense, but i would talk to him about this. Good luck
2007-05-09 14:38:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Having a child with someone or not isnt a demonstration of his love so dont take offense that he had one with someone else before you. If you do want kids and he wont budge on his side it may be time to look for a new relationship. I wish you well!
2007-05-09 14:42:21 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been thru a divorce with two children I love them with all my heart.My divorce was not my fault my ex decided she wanted a drug addict and habbit more than the children and me.I have fullcustody of my children.Now that I know that I can not prevent another person from going bad I would be terrified with the thought of having kids with my next wife.
2007-05-09 14:21:42 · answer #7 · answered by upforitupforitupforitupforitru 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has been hurt loosing his first child more than you can imagine, even if he is with him alot and spends lots of time with the child, I guarantee you Divorce is hard and every one gets hurt. maybe he saw the damage done to his 1st son and doesn't want to risk that again. Open communication. you should be asking him not us.
2007-05-09 14:39:50 · answer #8 · answered by amydc2003 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he is concerned about your marriage. His first marriage failed. He may not want to have that happen again and maybe he feels the baby will put too much pressure on the relationship. You have to do what you feel in your heart. If you really want kids, maybe you should move on and find a different relationship. If you really want to be with him and want to forget about the subject for a while, you can get married...who knows, he may change his mind.
2007-05-09 14:22:35 · answer #9 · answered by Mom of 4 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Probably one of two things. Either he is a strong believer in keeping the population down -or- he's just afraid that he'll get burned by divorce again, pulling him away from his child (and his child from him).
2007-05-09 15:51:19 · answer #10 · answered by Maureen 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋